unemployed

Just a quick update to let y'all know I lost my job today. Very very long story and I'm going to have to start a new blog soon. I've not given up. I've done so much good for so many people the last few days and I'm not going to let anything take away from that.

Verklempt

I was feeling a bit choked up reading all your sweet comments from yesterdays post. I feel like Linda Richmond....a little verklempt.

Thank you so much for your support as always. Special thanks to Tammy who is a fellow Georgian and unemployed. You're totally right. I hope that me bitching about my situation doesn't offend you or anyone else that doesn't have a job at all right now. I know it could be a lot worse and I need to just keep plugging along. Isn't that what we all do every day anyway? I'm not giving up though. I'm working harder than ever to get myself out there and working on some side projects that may eventually amount to something.

Anyway, it's Friday and it's going to be a fun weekend. It was SUPPOSED to be an upstairs of the house cleaning weekend but I doubt there will be enough time to do the deep cleaning I want to do. My husband desperately wants me to go watch his soccer team play at a pub at 10 on Saturday morning and after all he's supported me this week, I owe it to him! His team isn't one of the big Scottish teams so it's rare they are on TV. He can't watch it on the computer like he normally can so we will be in a bar at 10am. I could probably use a Bloody Mary anyway. It's really like breakfast...especially if it has olives and celery...right? :) After that I will clean and finish my sisters Halloween costume. I swear!

Sunday I'm helping out my girls at Pit Stop 3 on the 3-Day. Here is a pic of the 5 foot tall gingerbread person cutout I did. Walkers can stick their heads in and have a picture taken. I also did the logo for this years theme which is Candyland. I did some funny signs based on the characters in the game to put around as well.

It's supposed to rain on them today and I'm praying it will stay away. Sore feet are bad...wet sore feet are way worse. The rest of the weekend is supposed to be nice If everyone could keep them all in your thoughts this weekend, they could really use it. They will probably have all the food and drink handing out covered so my plan is to head out down the route and walk with single walkers who need a little boost to the pit stop. When I worked the crew a couple years ago I did that and people were so appreciative. I wore a pedometer that day and ended up walking 7 miles. Is it sad that I'm excited to put on all my crazy pink accessories? It's not every day you get to wear a pink sequin cowboy hat!

Today I'm working on a gym schedule. I'm trying to put together a cardio and weight routine that I can follow at the gym during lunch without being able to afford the trainer. I'm checking out some things online and I'm sure I have some knowledge left from when I worked with a trainer before. I'm going to start out with free weights and body weight exercises. Y'all know how I love my squats!

Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend. Thanks again for being awesome.

morning meltdown

This morning I feel like a little kid again who doesn't want to go to school because of a bully. It's actually quite sad since I'm almost 40.

I haven't gone into too much detail about my situation at work in the past except for the fact that my boss won't ever walk down the stairs. That aside, I'm not sure if things have gotten worse here or I'm just more sensitive because I'm more in touch with myself these days (and a possible mid-life crisis).

Here is just one example. Yesterday I announced I was going to lunch 10 minutes early to drop the stuff off for the 3-Day. Boss says "where the fu*k is my sign?" I must have looked confused and he started screaming about this stupid thing he emailed me about this morning. Not even anything important. I told him what I'd been working on and he yells again "you just got those changes, what the hell have you been working on all morning?" Actually, I had been backing up files from a weeks worth of crazy work but I couldn't say that because it wasn't on the List.
This is just one of a million horrible things he says to me. Things like "just do what you're told" and "because I said so". I could go on and on but I'll just start crying again.

People wonder why I've stuck around for so long. Part of it was because I once was making really good money. Also, he used to realize he was an ass and then apologize profusely or try to make up for it with money or a gift (sort of like he does with his kids!)

I feel like I'm stuck in an abusive relationship with nowhere to go. We all know there aren't many jobs and I've even come to the point where I'm thinking of other things I could do to just be able to walk out. Going even deeper, I'm a spiritual person and I can't understand the reason why I'm stuck in this position. I constantly do good for others. I'm a good person. Finding my husband was the greatest reward for that. I guess I have yet to know why I have to face this difficult challenge everyday.

To top it all off, I got my first negative blog comment yesterday. LovetoLive (who doesn't seem to have blog said
I do enjoy reading your blog,however the comments you make about Aferican American are inappropriate at times. There was no need to say, you hope to get a black judge. What is that implying?

This has me a little bit concerned. I in no way meant any offense by that. In fact, it was quite the opposite. I think anyone who reads my blog knows that I'm actually involved with Civil Rights activism. I volunteer my time and I give money to our community organizations, I actively support my neighborhood that was once the 2nd worst housing project in America, and I donate my mad design skills to the King Center and Hosea Feed The Hungry. I think that's enough of a justification.

Monday Mix Tape - Wednesday edition

Just when you think your life can't get any busier it does. I think I'm on the other side of the busy spell and can finally take a breath. I couldn't wait to be able to sit down and write and and read some blogs.

I've been doing some freelance photo retouching (finally a little extra money), doing a ton of design stuff for the 3-Day (which took way more time than I thought but I'm a perfectionist), I drove a giant van to Savannah overnight to pick up some patio furniture from a friend who is moving (well worth it!) and then there's work work and working out. I'm exhausted just typing that.

The new gym is great although still under construction. I feel such a sense of relief in that I don't have to fight with myself anymore about before work vs. after work exercise. It's now just part of the schedule if that makes any sense at all. Last time I checked I was still up about 5lbs from my lowest but I'm waiting until Halloween to weigh again. I'm still hoping I can make my 10lb. goal.

This morning I got a ticket for cutting through a neighborhood to drop my husband off at work at the hospital. There's a sign that says No Right Turn Mon-Friday 6am - 10am. We just sat in traffic for 20 minutes getting off the highway and decided to cut through. Bad decision. I asked the cop (totally making the point that I knew it wasn't his fault) why we weren't allowed to drive on public roads just because the neighborhood doesn't like the traffic. He was hilarious and said he can't believe he has to sit there and give out tickets for people driving on roads they pay taxes for and said I should fight it all the way. So I'm gonna. :) I seriously hope I get a black judge so my "just because they are rich white people" argument stands a chance. I doubt I have a chance of winning but maybe it will make me feel better to have my case heard. I haven't seen many people win in my years of experience in Atlanta traffic court.

Now it's time to clean up the mess I've made over the last week and try to re-organize. I hope everyone is doing well and having a good week. I owe myself this time to write and I will make it more of a priority!!

New gym = New beginnings

Lets just say that it's a really good thing I sit for a living because my legs aren't working so well. Not smelling so good either but I will have more time to freshen up after I've got the routine down a little more. I honestly didn't think I'd work hard my first day. Ha!

I had my free appt. with the trainer at the new gym and it was great! Part of the reason the gym is so cheap is that so you can actually afford to use the trainers if you want to. I'm not sure yet if that's in the budget just now but we'll see. They seem pretty easy to work with as far as letting you pay for a little at a time. I liked him okay and he REALLY seemed to know what he was doing. Georgia Tech kid too so not a dumbass :) If I was paying him there's no way he would be taking phone calls on my time but since this one was free I let it slide.

We mostly did body weight exercises and abs. I finally got to try the kettlebell and I could really get into that. I was sweating up a storm and totally out of breath. That's why trainers work so well. I would have never made myself work so hard if I were just doing that on my own.

There's so much conflicting information out there about how much you should lift and how much cardio you should do and where your heart rate should be and if it matters yadda yadda yadda. He says some things that conflict with what Jillian says but I think you just have to put your faith in something and get moving. I know that when I lost 100 pounds I didn't really lift weights but maybe that's part of the reason I gained it back. Who knows. The point is I'm working out and I'm committing to it 6 days a week.

I really feel like this is a new start for me. I've been trying to figure out the best way for me to work in the work out and I feel like I don't have to search anymore. Things are about to start happenin' up in this blog!

Fitness Fantasy Come True!

Yesterday DietGirl did a great post about Fitness Fantasies. Today one of mine came true!

I'm now the proud owner of 2 gym memberships!

Finally, a gym opened up across the street from my work! The best part is it's $15 a month and it's all brand new. In fact, it's not even finished yet but the cardio and weights are up and working. Because it's not finished, they weren't charging an enrollment fee so I only had to pay my first month which I did right then and there. Instead of wasting any time, I have my free session with a trainer tomorrow at 12.

The plan is to work out at lunch most days and take a Body Pump class after work once or twice a week. That is pretty much what I did when I lost 100lbs. so I know it works. I seem to have most of my energy mid-day and the after work class keeps me out of traffic. Win Win!

Now I have a work gym and a weekend gym. Check off one fitness fantasy. I think some others would be a Yoga retreat in India, a trainer like Jillian, a pool in my backyard...I could go on and on but now I need to get to work.

Hope everyone is having a great week!

Monday Mix Tape

This weekend was AWESOME. It was my fifth wedding anniversary! For those of you who do not know the sickeningly romantic story it's here. I have the best husband in the world.

We went out for dinner on Friday night and had amazing steaks at a dark and romantic steakhouse. We haven't been out for a nice dinner in so long so it made it extra special.

Saturday we piled the dogs in the car and went up to visit my mom in the mountains of North Carolina where we got married. The leaves are changing and the weather was crisp and cool. It was perfect.

Sunday started with my newest project which involves teaching my Scottish husband how to drive. We can't afford to pay for lessons so I got a "teaching your teen how to drive" book from the DMV which is actually quite helpful. He has never driven a car in his life at the age of 44. He never needed to since they have the most amazing public transportation system over there. Here it is another story. Atlanta public transport is a joke and he's really anxious to learn. I'm learning how to be patient and a good teacher which isn't easy for me! He's doing well though and we hope to have him licensed before Christmas.

Sunday afternoon we drove home, looked at some leaves, bought some apples and came home to face the fact that it was Sunday afternoon and we had neglected all of our weekend chores! After getting all that work done, we ordered pizza and passed out at 8:30.

Although I had a great weekend, I feel horrible today. I feel like I gained 20 pounds over the weekend. My jeans are (still) tight and I had terrible heartburn through the night (that's what I get for eating pizza) Lately I've been more focused on having fun with my husband than I have on being healthy. We've been enabling each other to make bad choices. His weakness is beer, mine is cookies. We need to find ways to have fun without food/drink being involved. It might be a little easier if it ever stopped raining here!

Even with all the plans we had this weekend, I made doing the shopping and prepping for the week a priority and I'm glad I did. I have healthy breakfasts, lunches and dinners planned for the rest of the week.

It's time to build up my strength for "eating season" which is fast approaching. I feel like I've let my guard down a bit and I have some time to get my act together before we're in the throws of it all. I think I'll do some squats tonight. There's something about that particular kind of muscle pain that is a constant reminder to stay on track :)

Have a great week everyone!

Hungry?

I'm feeling much more sane today. Thank you all for your great advice on my fear associated with exercise. I'm going to go to the doctor (need to see a new one) and hopefully get referred to a cardiologist in my husbands office. I need to be a little easier on myself and wearing my heart rate monitor puts me a little more at ease. I don't ever get too close to my max. All these things will help me feel better. Getting closer to 40 here...about 8 more weeks I think!

Behold the paella (isn't she a beauty??)














This was so incredibly good (if I do say so myself). I was even proud of the way it looked. All the seafood is from the Farmers Market and it's expensive to make but worth it. Aside from the chorizo, it's actually quite healthy. If I were to make this just for us and not guests, I would use chicken chorizo to lighten it up more. I used Emeril's recipe and it was perfect. Now if only I had a commercial stove that could handle this I'd make it all the time. Mine almost melted.

Something about fall makes me want to cook. I have homemade chili for lunch today. I'm going to post my secret recipe because it's so easy, cheap and filling. I keep half in the fridge in single serving containers and freeze the rest (also in single serving containers)

What you need:
Trinity mix (onion, green pepper and celery) - I buy this pre-diced in the produce section which saves me time and waste.
Bag of shredded carrots
1lb. ground turkey breast
2 cans crushed tomatoes
2 cans spicy chili beans
1 can kidney beans
1 can black beans
minced garlic - frozen garlic cubes from Trader Joes have changed my life
Chili Powder
Crushed Red Pepper

What to do:
Cook trinity mix in 1 TBS olive oil until soft.
Add ground turkey breast and cook until brown. (You shouldn't have to drain it if you have lean breast)
Add Tomatoes
Drain kidney beans (leave liquid in all other beans) and add to pot
Add carrots (this is done simply to sneak in more veggies. Sometimes I use zucchini too!)
Add garlic
Add about 4 TBS chili powder
Add crushed red pepper to taste.

Bring to boil then simmer for an hour or 2. That's it!

People rave about my chili and most of it comes from cans. I also make a white bean chicken chili in the crock pot. We rotate the 2 chilis through most of the winter for lunches though my husband prefers the red stuff.

Today I saved my workout for after work since I heard a rumor the sun was going to come out. I haven't had enough sunlight lately so I'm going to go for a big walk tonight. The sun doesn't rise until I'm leaving for work this time of year so I need to keep doing what I feel like doing in terms of exercise. It's been rather liberating not forcing myself to stick to one particular thing. I'm also starting to THINK about affording the Y around the corner. With winter coming, that would help a great deal.

Hope everyone is having a good week! Thanks as always for your awesome advice!

Exercise and Fear

As I've been saying for the last few weeks, blogging is helping me dig deeper into my issues regarding my weight loss efforts. This being honest with myself is VERY new to me!

This morning I was laying in bed asking myself WHY I didn't want to get up and exercise. What was it that was keeping me in bed? I was awake and didn't still didn't want to so I dug a little deeper. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks.

When I'm out of breath I'm afraid.

I lost my father when he was 49 from a cardiac arrhythmia. He struggled with his weight his entire life. I always think "I'm next". When I have an anxiety attack, which isn't very often, It makes my heart beat fast which makes me afraid which makes it worse.

Maybe this issue requires therapy. I've tried it in the past and I don't know if it works for me because I generally have an awesome life.

Maybe I need a full cardiology workup since my husband works for one of the best in the country. My dad had that though and it obviously didn't help.

I wonder if there is anything that will put my mind at ease.

Have any of you ever experienced this? If so, is there anything you've done to get past it?

I know that sitting here typing and staring down at my fat stomach isn't helping but at least there are workout clothes wrapped around the fat gut ready for a good walk at lunch. Fear or no fear.

Monday Mix Tape - tight jeans edition

My jeans are a little tight this morning and I'm not going to ignore that even though they just came out of the dryer. I'm blaming it on the amount of food and drink I consumed this weekend.

Saturday night I made paella for the first time and I have to say it turned out amazing. It would have been easier with a bigger stove and a range hood that could handle the steam but it was really fun to make. I ate A LOT of it. I took a picture but forgot my camera cord so I will try to post it tomorrow.

Yesterday I put my mad sewing skillz to the test to help my sister with her Halloween costume. She participates in a haunted house for charity every year and is going to be in a creepy doll scene. We're sewing her a doll dress that will eventually be tea stained to look old. I haven't sewn with a pattern in years and it was a challenge at first but it all came flooding back. My mother taught me how to sew probably as early as 8 years old. I enjoyed every minute of it yesterday and need to think of some more sewing projects as it's a great distraction from food!

That afternoon, I had dogs all over me. There is nothing better. There were incredibly tiny ones and incredibly huge ones. Some were in costumes and it was hilarious. What a feel good fun day all around. Partially brought on by 2 shots of tequila and 2 beers. What can I say, I've been doing people so many favors lately, everyone is buying me drinks. I can honestly say though that I've been doing a great job of not drinking unless there is a reason. Sometimes I go 2 weeks without a drop so I allow myself an occasional party day.

That was kind of a boring mix-tape this Monday! It's going to be a busy week but now that I'm working out in the mornings, I feel like I get more accomplished throughout the day. I have (a little) more energy and more time with less guilt after work. Looking forward to Friday already though!

Have a great week everyone!

Whew!

Glad that the interview is over! It went really well and I think I have a really good shot. It might take a while since they've just started interviewing and patience is not really my strong suit.

I would LOVE to work at this place and I know beyond any shadow of a doubt that I can do it. There was a little concern over my lack of experience in retail but I thought I did a good job of just laying it all on the table and saying "I can totally do this". I was confident and cool for the most part and it was helpful that he was just a normal guy. The kind of guy I really like working for.

If this is meant to be it will be. I have a job so I'm not in a hurry which he seemed to appreciate as they are approaching their busy season.

In the meantime, thanks to all my amazing blog friends for all of your sweet thoughts, prayers and well wishes I promise to keep you posted.

I'm looking forward to a fun weekend. We are having our favorite neighbors over for dinner on Saturday and Sunday is Dogtoberfest in our neighborhood with a dog parade and adoptions and things. I wanted to dress up "the girls" but the interview came before sewing dog costumes this week. My husband will be VERY happy about that. :)

Have a great weekend everyone!