I promised myself I wouldn't freak out

and I'm freaking out. About my class reunion coming up in 3 weeks!

I've never in my life considered driving instead of flying because I'm uncomfortable in the seats of a plane but I'm at that point. How can I possibly feel good about myself at the reunion when that is something to even have to consider? I remember when I lost 100 pounds how great it felt to feel tiny on the plane and not have to worry about it. I can't believe I let this happen again...and I'm bigger than ever.

I normally have a ton of confidence and a great self esteem because I consider myself an awesome person but this weight is eating away at it. More than I thought. What the hell am I even going to wear??

I was also scanning the pictures of the 10 year reunion which I did not attend and hoping that I won't be the fattest person there. Once again, normally something I don't care about.

I have to get back into attitude adjustment mode again and just exercise as much as I can until that point. Even if I don't lose a pound at least I will feel good.

UGH! (or BLERG as Tina Fey would say!)

Oh and Happy New Year to my Jewish friends.

craziness!

I can't believe I haven't posted to my blog in a week. The older I get the faster the time goes. I've been just shoving my face full of crap again all weekend and feeling horrible for it. I didn't start out any better this week since I've already had a milkshake and an egg McMuffin. All brought in to the office of course and I just can't manage to say no. WTF is wrong with me?

I'm really down today. It feels like there is so much doom and gloom right now with the economy and our lovely little southeast gas crisis. Did I not have enough to worry about already?? : ) I'm going to have to set my alarm for 4am or so and venture out to try to find some gas. I have about a days worth left. The lines up here in the burbs are hours long and I'm hoping it will be easier in "the hood". SO I'm skipping my water aerobics class to go sit in line for gas.

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day!

Fat and Happy?

257 -again. I ate chinese food last night and I'm hoping most of that is sodium.

I'm having trouble finding the balance between enjoying my life and worrying about my weight.

I was talking to my husband this morning about how I feel like both of us constantly worrying about it has taken some of the joy out of our lives. We are generally very happy people and an even happier couple. We never fight and we do everything together. Since we got married and have put on weight it's like we have this black cloud hanging over us every Monday morning as we face the scale after the weekend.

While I'm fully aware that "food is fuel, not fun" we are social people and our weekends revolve around food and drink. We are learning to eat really healthy all week and then enjoy things in moderation during the weekend. It's just so freaking hard.

Okay enough complaining. Under the laws of my new attitude, we must quit whining and solve the problem. We are going to find fun things to do together that don't revolve around food and drink. This Saturday, I will pack a healthy picnic lunch and we will take the dogs to walk the trail at Stone Mountain now that we have our yearly parking pass. Hopefully we can make a habit of doing things like this especially while the weather is gorgeous.

I did manage to get groceries and plan meals for the week. My gym bag is packed for my water aerobics class tonight. Here's to a good week!

Day 5- finally it's Friday!

253.8 today! I've started adding a little fruit back in to my day and right now I'm munching one of the greatest, newest things at Trader Joes - sliced granny smith apples with all natural peanut butter in a little pack together. They also have red apples with a little container of low-fat vanilla yogurt. I heart Trader Joes!

The weekend is always a challenge for us. We are out of our routine and we like to be social and drink beer and much while watching movies etc. The plan is to eat in moderation but really kick up the exercise on the weekend especially with the beautiful weather we're having right now. We can walk and hike with the dogs and have a blast while still getting our exercise in. I would be happy to just get through the weekends maintaining the loss from the week.

I feel like my attitude adjustment is really working!

Have a good weekend everyone in blog land!

Day 4-is it Friday yet?

255 today. That's probably the end of the quick part of the weight loss but I'm happy to be back down some.

I was not so good last night and had 2 slices of pizza and 3 beers but still down a pound so I'm not going to worry to much. That is probably the biggest part of my attitude adjustment. If I have something like that I need to move on and not say to myself "it ruined the whole week so I'll start over on Monday." I'm not going to do that anymore, ever. 1400 extra calories in one day sure beats another 3 days of what would probably be even more than that.

It's going to be a tough day at work on no sleep. We went to a concert last night and got home at 1am. We're usually in bed by 10 at the latest so it will be a challenge. I see a Starbucks Skinny Vanilla Latte in my future! Normally I would go home and crash tonight but I have to put up signs for the yard sale this weekend that we're having along with some of our neighbors.

Gosh what a boring post. I think it's just that kind of day.

Day 3 - getting in the groove

256 today. I know this isn't going to last but I'm enjoying it! Also, I don't feel nearly as deprived as day 1. I'm actually full and satisfied. I do hate the bad taste in my mouth that only sugar could fix but that goes away. I need some gum.

Yesterday our meeting was canceled in Nashville so my boss made us go with him to Steak 'n Shake for lunch because we are getting ready to pitch their business. That was a nightmare. I wanted a burger and shake so bad!!! I watched him drink a huge chocolate banana one.

I love nutrition calculators. I went online before and calculated my whole meal first Then I came back and calculated what I WOULD have had before. Here's the difference

Before:
Double Steakburger with Cheese
Chocolate Shake
Cherry Coke
1434 calories, 42.5 grams of fat

Now:
Cup of Vegetable Beef Soup
Grilled Chicken Taco Salad (no tortilla bowl, corn chips or sour cream)
Unsweet Tea
324 calories and 11 grams of fat.

I saved 1,110 calories. Almost a days worth : ) That's what this attitude adjustment is all about. Good decisions. Yay me!

UPDATE: I've just gone on Spark People to see what I could weigh if lost 2lbs a week by my 40th birthday. 129. I'd settle for 140 ; ) That is my goal (which incidentally is 20 lbs more than my ideal weight at 5 foot nothing)

Attitude Adjustment - Day 2

257 today. Whew. I vow to never see 260 again. That is just way too much for my little body. I know that 3 pounds in one day is all water but whatever. I feel better.

I made it through the first day despite being in a horrible mood and feeling sorry for myself. I did great all day but didn't go to my class due to working late. I did manage to make a delicious pork tenderloin on the grill with a huge pile of asparagus and it was delicious. Even have half of it left over for my husbands dinner tonight since I'll be away in Nashville. This whole planning dinner thing works so well. I just have to keep it up.

Feels like fall here which is always motivating to get outside. The shorter days are tough but we're not making excuses anymore : )

Attitude Adjustment

Today I weigh more than I ever have in my life. 260 pounds. I did well again for a few weeks and then vacation and visitors threw me off in a big, bad way. I have my period so it's probably about 5lbs. more than I actually weigh but regardless we are starting there.

That's all I'm going to say about that because I've been working on an attitude adjustment this weekend and I already feel better for it. Reading blogs has helped me get to this place. As much as I feel for other people who struggle as much as I do, I find comfort in knowing I'm not the only one. I'm 5 feet tall and I can't carry this around anymore. I'm tired of having nothing to wear, and I'm tired of feeling tired.

Today my husband and I start 2 weeks on phase one of South Beach. As I've stated before it's the only way for us to get rid of cravings and rid ourselves of processed foods.

Attitude Adjustment Weekend consisted of cleaning our house top to bottom (which is no easy task) and including a massive cleaning of the fridge. I planned all our meals, went on a big trip to the grocery store, made a huge pot of chili, mini quiches with ham, cheese and eggbeaters, packaged up cottage cheese for every day etc. etc. We should want for nothing this week. I AM READY!

I ALMOST talked myself out of starting today because I'm traveling to Nashville for work tomorrow and staying overnight. Normally I would be excited to sit in my hotel room and eat candy or chocolate or potato chips (or all of those together) after having gone out for a great meal. I have to push through things like this because they are going to happen and I have to remember I can eat healthy on the road. Luckily my 90 pound co-worker eats nothing but veggies and fish so it's easy to stay on track. I told her I would like to go to J Alexanders for dinner and get a huge pile of vegetables and either fish or chicken. We'll also start the trip with a veggie burger salad from the World Peace Cafe. I've already got some snacks for the road (and my hotel room) ready to go. The hotel has a pool and a workout room so I will bring my stuff. Since we gain an hour on central time it's never as hard to get up early there.

I'm hoping to go to my water aerobics class tonight but I may have to work late while a friend comes by to do some network work for us. I feel like I really need to go and I'm sure everyone is wondering If I'm still alive. No worries everyone. I've been busy gaining 10lbs!

where is my mojo?

It never ceases to amaze me how one little detour from my routine can cause me to be lost for weeks. I of course went on vacation only to come back to 5 days of visitors from Wales that needed to be entertained which led to the whole of this week eating crap because I had no time to grocery shop and cook for the week. It's a lame excuse but it somehow allows me to justify going to drive-thrus for lunch and do takeout for dinner. I have a freezer full of things to eat but because I didn't plan anything I don't even know what I could make out of what's in there...not to mention it's all frozen.

From all of my recent blog reading I've discovered that many people suffer from this "all or nothing" attitude. When you really think about it, it's a ridiculous and destructive way of thinking. It would be like if you got a cut on your arm and thought "well I've ruined that so I might as well cut my arm off".

I guess the first step is being aware of it and trying to change that behavior.

I know why I feel down. It's because of my eating lately, lack of exercise, and feeling disgusted with my body. But what do I do? Continue to sit and watch TV and eat crap. My knees hurt, my back hurts, my job has been tough because I haven't been in creative mode at all but I continue to feed this all with more comforting food and sleep.

We were supposed to start phase 1 on Monday but that is being pushed to next Monday now for the simple fact that I need a whole day to get us ready for it. I will make a big pot of chili and some mini quiches and whatever else lies in the depths of the freezer.

I imagine I will feel better immediately and I'm really looking forward to it.

Back to the real world

So I'm back from paradise to the concrete jungle and it has not been an easy transition. I spent most of my time in Florida wondering how I could have ever left such an amazing place. Even though it would have been nearly impossible to get a job in my field there, I feel like I could have been just as happy as a waitress. I'm going to be patient and continue to work towards a goal of living there again. Even if I have to wait until I'm 50.

I'm ready to get back into my routine but we have visitors until Sunday. I'm not going to go crazy but we'll be eating out every night until then and I won't be going to the gym after work. My water aerobics friends are going to think I stayed in Florida! The funny thing is that I'm so ready to go back. I've never been excited to go back to the gym.

As I said in a previous post, we will be doing 2 solid weeks of phase 1 of South Beach starting Monday. It seems to be the only way I can get rid of cravings. When I start sneaking sugar and processed flour back in my diet it just makes me want more and more. It's a great feeling to conquer cravings but it will be a challenge at first.

With that said, I'm going to go look for some recipes and get ready to spend Sunday cooking for next week.