Last night, while standing in line waiting to vote in the runoff, I realized how self-conscious I've become. As I watched other girls get in line they all looked so professional and put together.
I'm constantly worried that my top isn't long enough to cover my enormous gut. I wear the same thing every other day because nothing else fits. I refuse to buy a winter coat at this size so I just deal with a few layers of clothes. I look like a bum. I don't do much with my hair and wear very little makeup. I wear jeans and a hoodie everyday to work. I haven't been able to wear shoes with a heel since my ankle injury.
I'm sure there are people out there who would kill to be able to wear what I wear to work but I want to feel stylish again. I want to wear my cute XL Gap pea coat with the pink lining. I want to wear boots with heels and nice pants again. It comes down to wanting to feel like me again. I'm NOT this self-conscious person I've become. I'm outgoing and happy with who I am. I'm letting the fat suffocate that cute girl. I'm the VP of a company for Gods sake. I should look like one.
I think the winter has taken its toll on me already. It's been so cold and I haven't gotten my butt out of bed early yet this week. I haven't gone to the pool either. So half the week is gone and I've done nothing for exercise. I just feel flat. I think it might be PMS because I cried in the car yesterday and something my husband said that he meant to be funny. I'm such a dork. He felt horrible about it. We've never even had a fight so it probably surprised him.
What is it going to take to get me in gear? My actions are of a person who doesn't care at all but at the same time I'm more conscious of it than ever. I think about my weight constantly but act like I can't be bothered to change it. Maybe after the 1st of the year I'll think about hiring a trainer again with my bonus. That way I have no choice.
((Tina)). Oh honey, I so understand where you are right now. It's such a challenging time of year to begin with - food everywhere, cold, and you feel kind of in limbo until the holidays are over.
ReplyDeleteHang in there. I love the trainer idea - a perfect gift of health to yourself.
Like you, I feel like a stranger to myself these days. My weight and happiness have a very inverse relationship. I've found solace with blogs like yours and find there is strength in numbers. Hang in there - you'll make it.
ReplyDeleteTina, I am so sorry you are feeling that way right now. December is tough, but hang in there, pms will be gone soon and you will be feeling better >)
ReplyDeleteHugs
Winter is really kicking Georgia's arse this year, isn't it? It's usually not this cold until at least January or February, and it's been like this since November! I totally feel you on the cold and it sapping you of your energy.
ReplyDeleteI recommend watching some motivational movies and reading some motivational books to give you the extra oomph you need to make it through December. Keep your chin up. :)
Tina, I completely agree with what others have said...December is a tough month. Weight loss is *always* tough. It's a struggle for me every single stinkin' day. I so relate to this post and being stranger to myself as well. Hang in there! Pea coats and high heels are within your reach.
ReplyDeleteI've been there too! In fact, I wrote about it yesterday. The thing to really understand is that YOU matter and start treating yourself like you treat the ones you love.
ReplyDeleteI can relate to your ennui. I feel like I spent all of last year in that haze - knowing I don't look and feel my best, but unwilling to do anything about it. I can't tell you what finally made me decide it was time to change, but I know you'll reach that point for yourself. You can do this! You HAVE done this before, and you will do it again. I have faith in you and I'm looking forward to hearing about your successes!
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