Wednesday, December 3, 2008

The opposite of me

Last night, while standing in line waiting to vote in the runoff, I realized how self-conscious I've become. As I watched other girls get in line they all looked so professional and put together.

I'm constantly worried that my top isn't long enough to cover my enormous gut. I wear the same thing every other day because nothing else fits. I refuse to buy a winter coat at this size so I just deal with a few layers of clothes. I look like a bum. I don't do much with my hair and wear very little makeup. I wear jeans and a hoodie everyday to work. I haven't been able to wear shoes with a heel since my ankle injury.

I'm sure there are people out there who would kill to be able to wear what I wear to work but I want to feel stylish again. I want to wear my cute XL Gap pea coat with the pink lining. I want to wear boots with heels and nice pants again. It comes down to wanting to feel like me again. I'm NOT this self-conscious person I've become. I'm outgoing and happy with who I am. I'm letting the fat suffocate that cute girl. I'm the VP of a company for Gods sake. I should look like one.

I think the winter has taken its toll on me already. It's been so cold and I haven't gotten my butt out of bed early yet this week. I haven't gone to the pool either. So half the week is gone and I've done nothing for exercise. I just feel flat. I think it might be PMS because I cried in the car yesterday and something my husband said that he meant to be funny. I'm such a dork. He felt horrible about it. We've never even had a fight so it probably surprised him.

What is it going to take to get me in gear? My actions are of a person who doesn't care at all but at the same time I'm more conscious of it than ever. I think about my weight constantly but act like I can't be bothered to change it. Maybe after the 1st of the year I'll think about hiring a trainer again with my bonus. That way I have no choice.


  1. ((Tina)). Oh honey, I so understand where you are right now. It's such a challenging time of year to begin with - food everywhere, cold, and you feel kind of in limbo until the holidays are over.

    Hang in there. I love the trainer idea - a perfect gift of health to yourself.

  2. Like you, I feel like a stranger to myself these days. My weight and happiness have a very inverse relationship. I've found solace with blogs like yours and find there is strength in numbers. Hang in there - you'll make it.

  3. Tina, I am so sorry you are feeling that way right now. December is tough, but hang in there, pms will be gone soon and you will be feeling better >)


  4. Winter is really kicking Georgia's arse this year, isn't it? It's usually not this cold until at least January or February, and it's been like this since November! I totally feel you on the cold and it sapping you of your energy.
    I recommend watching some motivational movies and reading some motivational books to give you the extra oomph you need to make it through December. Keep your chin up. :)

  5. Tina, I completely agree with what others have said...December is a tough month. Weight loss is *always* tough. It's a struggle for me every single stinkin' day. I so relate to this post and being stranger to myself as well. Hang in there! Pea coats and high heels are within your reach.

  6. I've been there too! In fact, I wrote about it yesterday. The thing to really understand is that YOU matter and start treating yourself like you treat the ones you love.

  7. I can relate to your ennui. I feel like I spent all of last year in that haze - knowing I don't look and feel my best, but unwilling to do anything about it. I can't tell you what finally made me decide it was time to change, but I know you'll reach that point for yourself. You can do this! You HAVE done this before, and you will do it again. I have faith in you and I'm looking forward to hearing about your successes!