Monday Mix Tape

I lost another pound on Wednesday weigh in which I forgot to report!

I have had a constant stream of house guests since Friday and drank a bit too much. We have Scottish family coming Friday-Monday which gives me just enough time to re-clean the house and give my liver a break!

My doctor broke up with me today. In a letter. This was due to the physical I had a while back and found out after that fact our admin had changed our insurance and it wasn't covered. Now I owe them $500 and they won't see me again until it's paid off. I was hoping they could at least discount it a little or let me pay them $100 a month for a while. Nope. Not even after 14 years of going there. Thanks a lot people!

I'm making $2000 less a month right now and this snowball is rolling down the hill and getting big. It's so hard to think about working out and eating well when I'm tears every day over it. Every month is a juggling act with the bills and it takes everything out of me. I'm trying to use the frustration from it all to "fuel my fire" but when I'm depressed I get lazy.

I'm just going to keep plugging along like I always do and keep the faith that there's something better on the horizon. Luckily, I have an amazing husband and the best dogs in the world to go home to tonight.

Sorry to be a downer but I'm keeping an honest track of how I'm feeling whether it's good or bad. Now I'm off to catch up on some more cheerful blogs :)

Inspiration

You know, I thought I was lazy until I hear this exchange yesterday between my boss and my co-worker.
CW: They have just opened our favorite restaurant in the DFW airport. We can eat lunch there on our trip tomorrow.
BOSS: I'm not walking anywhere.
He is a heart attack waiting to happen. Drinks regular Coke, eats candy and chips all day and then only dinner as a meal. Probably somewhere in the neighborhood of 350 pounds. Nothing anyone could ever say will change his habits either. I feel a bit better about myself :)

Speaking of feeling better, I'm inspired. I know I'm late to the Sean party, but if you haven't read his blog yet DO IT. You will laugh, you will cry and then you will feel like this whole weight loss thing "ain't rocket surgery" as I like to say. I'm going back to basics. Calorie counting, moving, and figuring out exactly what I need to do in my head to make me not gain it all back this time. That's only 3 things. I can do that and I can afford it :)

Now, I'm off to catch up on some blogs, get some work done (which hasn't happened since I've been reading Seans blog from day one) and figure out a daily calorie count on FitDay or Sparkpeople. Hope y'all are having a great week!

bummer

Yesterday I stayed home from work with the remains of some seriously annoying lower back pain and It's a good thing I did because a rejection email came yesterday from the job I've been waiting to hear about. I am seriously bummed.

I know why I didn't get the job. It's not something that's easy for me to talk about but it's time to admit it. I can have the best portfolio and personality out there but it's not going to change the fact that I'm a short, fat girl applying for an executive level job in the fashion industry. I should have know during the interview when I asked about the culture and was given the speech about the Divas and the designer clothes. The recruiter talked about it as if she was surprised herself since it was kids clothing but nonetheless, I saw those types wandering the halls and maybe even a snicker or two in my direction that I refused to believe at the time.

I was saying to my husband that unfortunately, people face the issue of prejudice every day. For most, it's something they cannot change like the color of their skin or their sexual orientation or a disability. Mine is something I CAN change and I'm ashamed of myself for doing it once and letting myself go again. I accomplished so much more in my size 10 jeans than in my 22's.

If anything, this has served as a big fat slap in the big fat arse. I had a little hissy-fit in my closet this morning and threw my nicely hung up waiting for second interview giant-sized black pants on the floor way behind the skinny clothes bins. Then I packed my gym bag for the first time in 2 weeks. It's the only plan 'b' I can think of.

you guys rule

Thank you SO much for all of the responses! I seriously had no idea so many people read what I write. I see some new names in the comments and I will be by to visit your blogs when I have a minute!

Great ideas and I think I took a bit from every one of them! She is coming over tomorrow night for drinks and here is what I'm going to say:

"Listen, I've been thinking a lot about your upcoming birthday and I feel like if you want to have a party, your husband should put something together at your house because he (hopefully) knows all of your friends and family that you would want to be there. I'd be happy to bring the cake and make a jug of margaritas. I don't think I can do it at my house because it's a Friday night and I don't even know where I will be working then. If not then lets get some girls together and go out to the bar/pedicure place or dinner somewhere fun."

I think that is being honest but not at all mean while keeping in mind that it is my friends special day and I do want to do SOME nice things. Just not all of it! I did manage to come up with this little idea for her card and possibly the cake...

My friend is a Hello Kitty fanatic and a nurse so I added the little hat. I've been working on some "crows feet" but it's not turning out so it may have to stay like this! I think she'll get it :)

I wish I had more to report. I bought second interview shoes so lets hope I have to wear them!

WWBD?

Okay y'all I need some advice from my blog friends. Completely off topic.

My other best friend is about to turn 40. She has a 2 year old and the most horrible husband on earth (which I won't go into because that's another rage filled post)

I know beyond any shadow of a doubt that he will plan nothing, do nothing, or even care that she's celebrating a big birthday. The thing that really sucks? It's his birthday too.

I'm always the one who does all the parties because that's just the way I am. Always thinking about others. Right now, the thought of spending all that money and time (keep in mind I'm a perfectionist) is painful. I feel like I would be a bad friend if I just planned a dinner out because she said she really wanted a party. I would have to have it at my house and pretend like it was for him too even though he treats me worse than dirt.

My question to you is should I:
1. Stop feeling responsible and hope he plans SOMETHING?
2. Just suck it up and throw the damn party for a dear friend I've known for 20 years.

Okay enough of that. Still waiting waiting and waiting some more over here. There is no direction to my life at all right now but I'm surviving.

Thanks for the 2 blog awards I got yesterday from Tammy and 266 . I really appreciate it and promise to pass it on when I have a moment to think. Right now, stupid work needs to be done.

Have a great day everyone and thanks in advance for your advice!

Setting new goals

waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting

It's going to be a long week folks. Hoping to hear something early in the week so I can either move on or take another giant leap in the interview process.

I could not sit still this weekend. I took out my frustrations on this:

We are scraping one side of our house and planning on painting the entire thing ourselves due to budget issues. I'm calling it the "summer of love" to make it sound fun. I have noticed that my triceps, biceps, shoulders and back have gotten a lot more defined since starting this project. I would say we have another few weekends of scraping. If my financial situation happens to change in the next few weeks as I'm hoping, you can bet an entire crew will be called in to do the painting and we can do something else instead of risking our lives on ladders :)


Because everything is so up in the air right now, I've found myself with no goals. My goal to lose 100 pounds by my 40th birthday is unattainable unless I went on the Biggest Loser so it's time to reevaluate. Anything long term is TBD right now since it could all change with a phone call so I'm going to focus on the short term and work out every day whether it's at home or at the gym. I have meals planned for the week and lots of prep work done so I just need to remain calm and focus on my small goal. That is seriously all my packed-full brain can handle at the moment. I might even take a class so that someone can tell me what to do and I don't have to think!

Thanks for all the well wishes. I will keep y'all posted. Have a great week!!

The waiting is the hardest part

I have been terrible about blogging the past week or so and it's probably because I've been eating terribly and not exercising. I haven't been shoving food in my face or anything but more like only eating once a day and not being prepared etc. The only time I've been to the gym is to change clothes after my interview :)

I can't focus to save my life. I know I'm not supposed to hear about any next steps on the interview until next week but it's all I can think about. Part of me feels so good about it and if I were truly practicing 'the Secret' I would be packing up my office. The other part of me has fat girl worries that I just don't fit in with all the Divas and the tall, hot, skinny girls wandering the halls. I'm hoping my talent and my personality will prevail. Don't get me wrong, I looked GREAT for the interview (if I do say so myself!) but this is a very different industry and I have no idea if that will be a factor.

No matter what happens, I don't want to feel this way about myself anymore. It's almost been a year since I started blogging. My profile says I'm trying to lose 100 pounds before my 40th birthday. That is now only 3 months away. If I get this job, it will change my life and give me the time and the location to exercise every day. If I don't, I'm going to have to try that much harder.

Okay, now I feel better after getting all that out. I'm saying my prayers daily, not just that I get the job, but that whatever is meant to be for me is what happens. If it's not too hot to breathe, I'm going to take a nice long, head clearing walk after work and try to slap myself back to reality.

whew!

Huge sigh of relief. The interview is over (for now) I think it went really well. Most of the things she said I liked and there were a few things that scared me (as in the word Diva being brought up in regard to culture) but there are fashion designers involved and that is to be expected. I want this job and for now, I'm leaving it up to the universe. It's going to be panic all over again if I get a second interview!

In the meantime, I'm so freaking busy it's ridiculous so until I can go home and have a glass of wine, I'll be working my butt off. I promise to keep y'all posted and thanks so much for the thoughts, prayers and well wishes!

Finally!

It seems like it's been months since I had any good news with regard to weight loss or anything else for that matter. My weight has been staying the same and as y'all know I was feeling like I was at a dead end in my career.

Well, I lost a whole pound this week, even while traveling.

AND

I have an interview on Tuesday morning for the dream job I applied for months ago!

I'm freaking out of course about what to wear and if I'm good enough to go from a tiny company to a billion dollar company and a million other neurotic thoughts but that leads me to an important point.

My heart has been heavy since I heard the news about Jen's mom. I don't know them at all but I feel like I do and have had them all in my thoughts all week. I had written her a little note about how I lost my dad suddenly but still talk to him all the time. In fact, all weekend I was having "discussions" with him about my career since he was a well respected and successful business man. This phone call for this interview was proof to me that he is still there and looking out for me all the time. Jen, if you're reading this, I hope it helps to know that.

In the meantime, I'm going to work out every day before my interview. Even though I can't lose 100 pounds before I go, I know I will feel more confident. I'm definitely putting the Y on hold because if I get this job, I will work across the street from an awesome gym. That and saving 80 minutes of driving PER DAY! If I convert driving time to cardio time, I'll be at goal before I know it! :)

Back to reality!

Longboat Key at Sunset. The girl next to me is a triathlete and I never meant to have a picture of my ass taken standing next to her :)

The majority of these girls I hadn't seen in 20 years. We do not look like a bunch of almost 40 year olds. Can't believe I grew up in such a pretty place.

Another weekend, another short trip to Florida! This time for a baby shower for a high school friend which turned into the high school reunion I missed last October. We had such a great time and I was very happy that the one of us who became a millionaire that was the one who threw the shower! Nothing like a free weekend in a beach house with a catered party! :)

Once again, I had about an hour to float around in the Gulf. The week leading up to my trip was hard and stressful and I just couldn't shed the anxiety, even though I was exercising. I had quite a few xanax last week which I only use for "emergencies". Today I'm relaxed again and I owe it all to the beach! I say this every time I come back but some day I will end up back there again.

I'm looking forward to being back in the gym tonight. Not dreading it at all which is odd. Maybe it's because I'm so relaxed. Maybe it's starting to finally become a habit. For now I will keep exercising after work until I have a minute to figure out how to afford the Y.

Looking forward to catching up. Hope you all are having a great week!!