Wednesday, August 19, 2009


Okay y'all I need some advice from my blog friends. Completely off topic.

My other best friend is about to turn 40. She has a 2 year old and the most horrible husband on earth (which I won't go into because that's another rage filled post)

I know beyond any shadow of a doubt that he will plan nothing, do nothing, or even care that she's celebrating a big birthday. The thing that really sucks? It's his birthday too.

I'm always the one who does all the parties because that's just the way I am. Always thinking about others. Right now, the thought of spending all that money and time (keep in mind I'm a perfectionist) is painful. I feel like I would be a bad friend if I just planned a dinner out because she said she really wanted a party. I would have to have it at my house and pretend like it was for him too even though he treats me worse than dirt.

My question to you is should I:
1. Stop feeling responsible and hope he plans SOMETHING?
2. Just suck it up and throw the damn party for a dear friend I've known for 20 years.

Okay enough of that. Still waiting waiting and waiting some more over here. There is no direction to my life at all right now but I'm surviving.

Thanks for the 2 blog awards I got yesterday from Tammy and 266 . I really appreciate it and promise to pass it on when I have a moment to think. Right now, stupid work needs to be done.

Have a great day everyone and thanks in advance for your advice!


  1. Perhaps you could invite all her friends out for a girls night to somewhere like a comedy club (sounds like she might needs some laughs with a husband like that) & dinner. That way it's still about her and you don't have to entertain her a-hole husband.

    Because I'm a person who just sucks it up and does things I really don't want to do, I would probably still have a party at my house.(if taking her out isn't an option).
    HOWEVER, I think part of our journeys is learning to be good to ourselves and standing up for ourselves. If you don't want to do it or if it's not in your budget, don't do it. We should not feel guilt for standing up for ourselves.

  2. If it was me, I'd throw a small party because she said that's what she wanted. Is it her mean husband's 40th too? If it isn't, any way you could spin the party to be all about a celebration for her? That way it would it might make you feel better knowing it's for her and not for THEM.

    Regardless, your friend is lucky to have someone watching her back and being there. It's hard to watch your friends be in a relationship you know isn't the best for them.

    Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

  3. Have the party. Include him. She'll appreciate it. It's for HER not him you're even considering this, isn't it?

  4. Maybe have the party but ask everyone to bring something so that you don't get slammed with doing and paying for everything.

    I guess he'd have to come too seeing as they're married. Get him some chew toys to keep him occupied.

    Good luck. You're a very good friend and I hope she appreciates you.

  5. Funny how just as I wrote this post, I got an email from our neighbor across the street who has moved to Mumbai. His wife is moving over in a few weeks. HE is planning a surprise party for her here in Atlanta from MUMBAI. Now THATS how it SHOULD be. :)

  6. I think I'd have the party, because you don't want the day to go by without her having a celebration even if it is small.

    I feel sorry for her. She's lucky to have a friend like you!

  7. Wow! Great comments. I think I'd host a "pot luck". You'd provide the place, the decorations and perhaps the main course. Let everyone else help out. As a rule people want to know what they can contribute anyway, so why not let them. Make the decorations (if any) and the theme reflect the fact that it is a 40th birthday party for HER, and he is invited only because he's her "other half". Then later, perhaps a girl's night out for her as a special treat. Make that her actual gift.

  8. Is it his 40th too? If it is NOT, then I would shoot him a note and tell him you were thinking about your friend's upcoming big day, but wanted to work around his plans, so could he give you an idea of what he was planning.

    Of course he won't be planning anything. So then say, "do you think we should throw her a party? We could do it at my place?" The lazy jerk will say fine. Then assign him something that is easy and but will defray your costs, like a case of champagne. Mention that you'll handle the invites, the decorations, the food, the set up.

    When he brings up the fact that it is his bday too, just say, "oh i'm sure you guys have plans for that." then emphasize it's her 40th.

    If it is also his 40th, I would try to make it girls only. Do a Girls Night In theme with with all her closest gfs.

    Good luck, I feel for you on this one. She is lucky to have a friend like you!

  9. I think this is going to be a minority opinion, but really, if you want a birthday party, it's your responsibility to get that party thrown. You have zero obligation to throw a party for her.

    Next time you're with the two of them, ask if they have any plans yet. If they say "not yet" say something like "The big 40! You guys have to have a party!" That should hopefully be enough to push them to schedule one on their own.

    It's not your responsibility to throw your friends a party. Feel free to get her a nice gift or set up a dinner with a few friends celebrating her, but you're in no way supposed to throw her a party. It's just not within the realm of things one ought to do. (Which isn't to say you can't if you want to, but if you don't want to, you really shouldn't feel a need to.)

  10. I'd throw her the party. I like the potluck idea so it's not so costly for you. Can you talk to one of his friends and suggest they plan a party for him while your party is just for her an ne'er the two shall meet?

  11. I like the ideas here, so can't add any more except to say you are a lovely friend!

  12. I haven't read the other responses, because I'm a bad blogger like that - but my humble advice: enlist other friends to help, drop the perfectionist hat at the door( HARD I know!) and TO HELL WITH HIM!! I repeat, to hell with him!

  13. That is a tough one! I can't add anything better than the comments already here, but I do like the pot luck idea for a party. And if it's not HIS 40th, then just get him his own damn cupcake with a candle in it. Sorry, I hate asshole husbands.

  14. I am with several other people in that I would have her a party at your house, but I would make it all girls so you can leave out the obnoxious husband. The way to do this on the cheap is to have a traditional British-style tea party. You have it on a weekend afternoon, serve finger sandwiches (cucumber and cream cheese is very traditional and very inexpensive), a hot tea, a cold tea, and a birthday cake. There's no alcohol and it's not nearly as much prep as a dinner party. I've hostessed at least four showers like this and they have been very well received.

  15. My suggestion is similar to others .... have a "girls only" party and a "potluck". That is the only way to go. Then you don't have nearly as much to worry about.

    Have fun! Keep us posted!

  16. I'm with Amy H. The very first thing I would do is contact one of HIS friends, and make sure he throws the guy a party or takes him out w/ all their guy buddies.

    Then throw a nice party at your house....with the potluck being a fantastic much easier on the wallet. You handle the decorations and the main course, and the others will feel good about contributing to her happy little party by bringing sides, drinks, etc.

    If you can't get one of his friends to set up a separate party or do something separate with the guys...then you'll probably have to suck it up. The unfortunate truth is that the world is full of asshole husbands, they're not going anywhere, but don't let that negatively affect your desire to throw your friend of 20 years a very special party for her 40th. :)

  17. I've nominated you for a blog award; stop by my blog to get it.

  18. How about a girl's only party?

  19. I think the solution is simple: Kick the husband's ass! Seriously, who doesn't plan a party for a milestone birthday for their wife?

    Anyway, maybe you can still plan something but scale it down so that it's not such a drain on time and money. I know she probably wants a party but thoughtful goes a long way too! :)

  20. Why not have a small party with just the girls then you wont have to bother with him and it would be small so not a huge hassle

  21. I vote for girl's night out. Maybe he doesn't like parties, you could at least use that as your reasoning for not including him. :-)

  22. I'd say either girls' night out or take your friend for a special spa day (just the 2 of you). You'd probably spend no more than you would on a party, you get the benefit of spa treatments too and there is no party food left at your house to eat!