Merry Christmas to me!

Look at this gorgeous Christmas gift I got from my husband. The gift that keeps on giving ;)
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I got this today with the intention of being 2 weeks ahead of the new years resolutioners. Those people I used to despise when I worked out 7 days a week. Every year on January 1st there wasn't an open treadmill to be found for the next 3 months.

I start tomorrow at 8:30am with a personal coach I will have for 8 weeks. I'm psyched. I feel better than I have felt in a very long time except for the fact that I'm still lugging around and extra friends worth of weight. I can do this. I can stick to it and next year at this time, be 100 pounds lighter.

I'm starting over once again. This time I'm in a really good place. I even gave my blog a temporary makeover.

Stay tuned for a new years post I'm working on. There will be pictures and there will be a fun calorie plan for the year. In the meantime, I hope everyone is doing well and enjoying the last few days before Christmas! Happy Holidays everyone!!

40 is the new black

I turned 40 on Tuesday and while I'm nowhere near reaching my goal of having lost 100 pounds by this time, I still feel young, cool and nowhere near my age ;)

My goal for this new chapter in my life is simply to put into practice everything I've learned up to this point. I've gained so much knowledge about myself both personally and professionally. I'm completely out of excuses. I never thought I would say that.

This weekend is going to be freezing and wet and my goal is to go through all my recipes and plan meals for a month. Then it's on to the kitchen cabinets to clean out anything scary that's in there. Even though I do a pretty good job of keeping them neat, if there are 10 year old chocolate chips in there I will find them when I need fix. I've already done the fridge and it looks very bare. Good thing because it will quickly fill up with homemade soup on Sunday.

Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!!!

I need an ass kicking

I'm doing that thing. That horrible thing where you start to tell yourself you are going to start over again in January. I can't believe I even have these thoughts after all I've learned. I'm just glad I'm aware when I'm trying to talk myself into something stupid and can run to my blog for sanity.

I've been working so much at the computer and I'm still having problems getting motivated to move. My eating schedule is all messed up. I don't eat enough during the day and am starving by 6:00. Usually my husband is motivating me but he's in the same funk. We have never been at that point at the same time before and it's making it even more difficult!

I'm not going to whine about it anymore. I'm going to go eat some turkey soup and then at least walk the dogs. I think it's time to dust off some weights.

Thankful!

I know Thanksgiving is over and I have been neglecting my blog but I wanted to stop in and say how thankful I am to have blog friends who miss me when I'm not posting. I appreciate you all so much and thanks for checking in on me.

I made my first ever Thanksgiving dinner. Just us and the neighbors. It was so nice and relaxing. We did see my mom and the rest of the family on Saturday so we didn't completely ditch them.




Please note that is MY turkey that I made and is not a picture from a Martha Stewart magazine :)







I have to say I'm doing really well in terms of dealing with the Situation. Suddenly I feel like I can do this. I have 3 clients already and work to be done so that means I have no choice really! I have been extremely busy but I'm hoping once I get in the groove of a new schedule it will be easier. I tend not to give myself much of a break and feel like I should be working all the time. I haven't been exercising aside from a 30 minute walk every day which helps but doesn't equate to any big loss. I know I have to make time for it but it doesn't make it any easier.

I think I'm going to join the Y for my 40th birthday which is a week from tomorrow. Might as well start at a new gym while everything else is changing. If anything it will be motivating to go to a new place. In the meantime, I'm finally going to use my free pass there to finish out this week. It's always a little intimidating but it's probably better during the day now that I have that opportunity!

I promise to blog more too. I know how much it helps me and I deserve it!

Starting over

I thought I was going to start a new blog but after much thought, I decided I'm not going to let Them take this away from me. Why should I stop after over a year just because They don't have a life.

Emotionally, I'm doing a bit better. Financially, not so much. I had to use every last dime I had to buy a new Mac. My old one was awesome. She was 8 years old though and I couldn't install any of the newest software. I'm hoping to find a school in the neighborhood that could use it. I never thought a trip to the Apple would be so painful.

Believe it or not, I haven't gained much weight. Maybe up 3 pounds from my lowest. Suddenly I'm having to figure out how to eat healthy on a budget. Speaking of which, funny little story about my mom. She down from NC about a week after I lost my job. She always brings tons of food for my sister and I like homemade chicken salad, veggies from her garden etc. Instead of wasting room in her cooler using ice, she used 2 giant frozen beef roasts. One for each of us. It still makes me laugh thinking about that and we ate for DAYS! :)

So what's the plan you ask? The plan is to be the person I wanted to be when I was stuck working in an office. I'm going to work out every day and enjoy the fact that it doesn't have to be at 5:45 am or 6:30 pm. I haven't been exercising much and I know I will never feel good again until I do. I'm going to finish up a logo and then lace up my shoes. I can do this.

I'm working on starting my own business doing simple, affordable design focusing on small to medium size businesses. Know anyone that needs a logo? A website? A brochure? Send 'em my way! I'll have a business website up and running soon!

I've missed you all so much. I can't wait to get my work and workout done and read some blogs this afternoon to catch up. It feels great to be back.

Checking in!

Hey all! Just thought I'd say that things here are fine here and looking up. I've been busier than ever just getting in touch with everyone I know. I'm hoping to be in round 2 of interviews for a fantastic opportunity that could change my life :)

I'm not going to go into to much more detail. The people I thought were my friends at my last job have gone through everything, deleted most everything of mine including wedding pictures, hacked into my Facebook, you name it. I don't trust much that I put out there right now so I'm going to start a new blog soon I swear. I'll let you all know when that happens. In the meantime, send prayers, good vibes etc. that I make it round 2 (of FIVE!) for this job.

unemployed

Just a quick update to let y'all know I lost my job today. Very very long story and I'm going to have to start a new blog soon. I've not given up. I've done so much good for so many people the last few days and I'm not going to let anything take away from that.

Verklempt

I was feeling a bit choked up reading all your sweet comments from yesterdays post. I feel like Linda Richmond....a little verklempt.

Thank you so much for your support as always. Special thanks to Tammy who is a fellow Georgian and unemployed. You're totally right. I hope that me bitching about my situation doesn't offend you or anyone else that doesn't have a job at all right now. I know it could be a lot worse and I need to just keep plugging along. Isn't that what we all do every day anyway? I'm not giving up though. I'm working harder than ever to get myself out there and working on some side projects that may eventually amount to something.

Anyway, it's Friday and it's going to be a fun weekend. It was SUPPOSED to be an upstairs of the house cleaning weekend but I doubt there will be enough time to do the deep cleaning I want to do. My husband desperately wants me to go watch his soccer team play at a pub at 10 on Saturday morning and after all he's supported me this week, I owe it to him! His team isn't one of the big Scottish teams so it's rare they are on TV. He can't watch it on the computer like he normally can so we will be in a bar at 10am. I could probably use a Bloody Mary anyway. It's really like breakfast...especially if it has olives and celery...right? :) After that I will clean and finish my sisters Halloween costume. I swear!

Sunday I'm helping out my girls at Pit Stop 3 on the 3-Day. Here is a pic of the 5 foot tall gingerbread person cutout I did. Walkers can stick their heads in and have a picture taken. I also did the logo for this years theme which is Candyland. I did some funny signs based on the characters in the game to put around as well.

It's supposed to rain on them today and I'm praying it will stay away. Sore feet are bad...wet sore feet are way worse. The rest of the weekend is supposed to be nice If everyone could keep them all in your thoughts this weekend, they could really use it. They will probably have all the food and drink handing out covered so my plan is to head out down the route and walk with single walkers who need a little boost to the pit stop. When I worked the crew a couple years ago I did that and people were so appreciative. I wore a pedometer that day and ended up walking 7 miles. Is it sad that I'm excited to put on all my crazy pink accessories? It's not every day you get to wear a pink sequin cowboy hat!

Today I'm working on a gym schedule. I'm trying to put together a cardio and weight routine that I can follow at the gym during lunch without being able to afford the trainer. I'm checking out some things online and I'm sure I have some knowledge left from when I worked with a trainer before. I'm going to start out with free weights and body weight exercises. Y'all know how I love my squats!

Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend. Thanks again for being awesome.

morning meltdown

This morning I feel like a little kid again who doesn't want to go to school because of a bully. It's actually quite sad since I'm almost 40.

I haven't gone into too much detail about my situation at work in the past except for the fact that my boss won't ever walk down the stairs. That aside, I'm not sure if things have gotten worse here or I'm just more sensitive because I'm more in touch with myself these days (and a possible mid-life crisis).

Here is just one example. Yesterday I announced I was going to lunch 10 minutes early to drop the stuff off for the 3-Day. Boss says "where the fu*k is my sign?" I must have looked confused and he started screaming about this stupid thing he emailed me about this morning. Not even anything important. I told him what I'd been working on and he yells again "you just got those changes, what the hell have you been working on all morning?" Actually, I had been backing up files from a weeks worth of crazy work but I couldn't say that because it wasn't on the List.
This is just one of a million horrible things he says to me. Things like "just do what you're told" and "because I said so". I could go on and on but I'll just start crying again.

People wonder why I've stuck around for so long. Part of it was because I once was making really good money. Also, he used to realize he was an ass and then apologize profusely or try to make up for it with money or a gift (sort of like he does with his kids!)

I feel like I'm stuck in an abusive relationship with nowhere to go. We all know there aren't many jobs and I've even come to the point where I'm thinking of other things I could do to just be able to walk out. Going even deeper, I'm a spiritual person and I can't understand the reason why I'm stuck in this position. I constantly do good for others. I'm a good person. Finding my husband was the greatest reward for that. I guess I have yet to know why I have to face this difficult challenge everyday.

To top it all off, I got my first negative blog comment yesterday. LovetoLive (who doesn't seem to have blog said
I do enjoy reading your blog,however the comments you make about Aferican American are inappropriate at times. There was no need to say, you hope to get a black judge. What is that implying?

This has me a little bit concerned. I in no way meant any offense by that. In fact, it was quite the opposite. I think anyone who reads my blog knows that I'm actually involved with Civil Rights activism. I volunteer my time and I give money to our community organizations, I actively support my neighborhood that was once the 2nd worst housing project in America, and I donate my mad design skills to the King Center and Hosea Feed The Hungry. I think that's enough of a justification.

Monday Mix Tape - Wednesday edition

Just when you think your life can't get any busier it does. I think I'm on the other side of the busy spell and can finally take a breath. I couldn't wait to be able to sit down and write and and read some blogs.

I've been doing some freelance photo retouching (finally a little extra money), doing a ton of design stuff for the 3-Day (which took way more time than I thought but I'm a perfectionist), I drove a giant van to Savannah overnight to pick up some patio furniture from a friend who is moving (well worth it!) and then there's work work and working out. I'm exhausted just typing that.

The new gym is great although still under construction. I feel such a sense of relief in that I don't have to fight with myself anymore about before work vs. after work exercise. It's now just part of the schedule if that makes any sense at all. Last time I checked I was still up about 5lbs from my lowest but I'm waiting until Halloween to weigh again. I'm still hoping I can make my 10lb. goal.

This morning I got a ticket for cutting through a neighborhood to drop my husband off at work at the hospital. There's a sign that says No Right Turn Mon-Friday 6am - 10am. We just sat in traffic for 20 minutes getting off the highway and decided to cut through. Bad decision. I asked the cop (totally making the point that I knew it wasn't his fault) why we weren't allowed to drive on public roads just because the neighborhood doesn't like the traffic. He was hilarious and said he can't believe he has to sit there and give out tickets for people driving on roads they pay taxes for and said I should fight it all the way. So I'm gonna. :) I seriously hope I get a black judge so my "just because they are rich white people" argument stands a chance. I doubt I have a chance of winning but maybe it will make me feel better to have my case heard. I haven't seen many people win in my years of experience in Atlanta traffic court.

Now it's time to clean up the mess I've made over the last week and try to re-organize. I hope everyone is doing well and having a good week. I owe myself this time to write and I will make it more of a priority!!

New gym = New beginnings

Lets just say that it's a really good thing I sit for a living because my legs aren't working so well. Not smelling so good either but I will have more time to freshen up after I've got the routine down a little more. I honestly didn't think I'd work hard my first day. Ha!

I had my free appt. with the trainer at the new gym and it was great! Part of the reason the gym is so cheap is that so you can actually afford to use the trainers if you want to. I'm not sure yet if that's in the budget just now but we'll see. They seem pretty easy to work with as far as letting you pay for a little at a time. I liked him okay and he REALLY seemed to know what he was doing. Georgia Tech kid too so not a dumbass :) If I was paying him there's no way he would be taking phone calls on my time but since this one was free I let it slide.

We mostly did body weight exercises and abs. I finally got to try the kettlebell and I could really get into that. I was sweating up a storm and totally out of breath. That's why trainers work so well. I would have never made myself work so hard if I were just doing that on my own.

There's so much conflicting information out there about how much you should lift and how much cardio you should do and where your heart rate should be and if it matters yadda yadda yadda. He says some things that conflict with what Jillian says but I think you just have to put your faith in something and get moving. I know that when I lost 100 pounds I didn't really lift weights but maybe that's part of the reason I gained it back. Who knows. The point is I'm working out and I'm committing to it 6 days a week.

I really feel like this is a new start for me. I've been trying to figure out the best way for me to work in the work out and I feel like I don't have to search anymore. Things are about to start happenin' up in this blog!

Fitness Fantasy Come True!

Yesterday DietGirl did a great post about Fitness Fantasies. Today one of mine came true!

I'm now the proud owner of 2 gym memberships!

Finally, a gym opened up across the street from my work! The best part is it's $15 a month and it's all brand new. In fact, it's not even finished yet but the cardio and weights are up and working. Because it's not finished, they weren't charging an enrollment fee so I only had to pay my first month which I did right then and there. Instead of wasting any time, I have my free session with a trainer tomorrow at 12.

The plan is to work out at lunch most days and take a Body Pump class after work once or twice a week. That is pretty much what I did when I lost 100lbs. so I know it works. I seem to have most of my energy mid-day and the after work class keeps me out of traffic. Win Win!

Now I have a work gym and a weekend gym. Check off one fitness fantasy. I think some others would be a Yoga retreat in India, a trainer like Jillian, a pool in my backyard...I could go on and on but now I need to get to work.

Hope everyone is having a great week!

Monday Mix Tape

This weekend was AWESOME. It was my fifth wedding anniversary! For those of you who do not know the sickeningly romantic story it's here. I have the best husband in the world.

We went out for dinner on Friday night and had amazing steaks at a dark and romantic steakhouse. We haven't been out for a nice dinner in so long so it made it extra special.

Saturday we piled the dogs in the car and went up to visit my mom in the mountains of North Carolina where we got married. The leaves are changing and the weather was crisp and cool. It was perfect.

Sunday started with my newest project which involves teaching my Scottish husband how to drive. We can't afford to pay for lessons so I got a "teaching your teen how to drive" book from the DMV which is actually quite helpful. He has never driven a car in his life at the age of 44. He never needed to since they have the most amazing public transportation system over there. Here it is another story. Atlanta public transport is a joke and he's really anxious to learn. I'm learning how to be patient and a good teacher which isn't easy for me! He's doing well though and we hope to have him licensed before Christmas.

Sunday afternoon we drove home, looked at some leaves, bought some apples and came home to face the fact that it was Sunday afternoon and we had neglected all of our weekend chores! After getting all that work done, we ordered pizza and passed out at 8:30.

Although I had a great weekend, I feel horrible today. I feel like I gained 20 pounds over the weekend. My jeans are (still) tight and I had terrible heartburn through the night (that's what I get for eating pizza) Lately I've been more focused on having fun with my husband than I have on being healthy. We've been enabling each other to make bad choices. His weakness is beer, mine is cookies. We need to find ways to have fun without food/drink being involved. It might be a little easier if it ever stopped raining here!

Even with all the plans we had this weekend, I made doing the shopping and prepping for the week a priority and I'm glad I did. I have healthy breakfasts, lunches and dinners planned for the rest of the week.

It's time to build up my strength for "eating season" which is fast approaching. I feel like I've let my guard down a bit and I have some time to get my act together before we're in the throws of it all. I think I'll do some squats tonight. There's something about that particular kind of muscle pain that is a constant reminder to stay on track :)

Have a great week everyone!

Hungry?

I'm feeling much more sane today. Thank you all for your great advice on my fear associated with exercise. I'm going to go to the doctor (need to see a new one) and hopefully get referred to a cardiologist in my husbands office. I need to be a little easier on myself and wearing my heart rate monitor puts me a little more at ease. I don't ever get too close to my max. All these things will help me feel better. Getting closer to 40 here...about 8 more weeks I think!

Behold the paella (isn't she a beauty??)














This was so incredibly good (if I do say so myself). I was even proud of the way it looked. All the seafood is from the Farmers Market and it's expensive to make but worth it. Aside from the chorizo, it's actually quite healthy. If I were to make this just for us and not guests, I would use chicken chorizo to lighten it up more. I used Emeril's recipe and it was perfect. Now if only I had a commercial stove that could handle this I'd make it all the time. Mine almost melted.

Something about fall makes me want to cook. I have homemade chili for lunch today. I'm going to post my secret recipe because it's so easy, cheap and filling. I keep half in the fridge in single serving containers and freeze the rest (also in single serving containers)

What you need:
Trinity mix (onion, green pepper and celery) - I buy this pre-diced in the produce section which saves me time and waste.
Bag of shredded carrots
1lb. ground turkey breast
2 cans crushed tomatoes
2 cans spicy chili beans
1 can kidney beans
1 can black beans
minced garlic - frozen garlic cubes from Trader Joes have changed my life
Chili Powder
Crushed Red Pepper

What to do:
Cook trinity mix in 1 TBS olive oil until soft.
Add ground turkey breast and cook until brown. (You shouldn't have to drain it if you have lean breast)
Add Tomatoes
Drain kidney beans (leave liquid in all other beans) and add to pot
Add carrots (this is done simply to sneak in more veggies. Sometimes I use zucchini too!)
Add garlic
Add about 4 TBS chili powder
Add crushed red pepper to taste.

Bring to boil then simmer for an hour or 2. That's it!

People rave about my chili and most of it comes from cans. I also make a white bean chicken chili in the crock pot. We rotate the 2 chilis through most of the winter for lunches though my husband prefers the red stuff.

Today I saved my workout for after work since I heard a rumor the sun was going to come out. I haven't had enough sunlight lately so I'm going to go for a big walk tonight. The sun doesn't rise until I'm leaving for work this time of year so I need to keep doing what I feel like doing in terms of exercise. It's been rather liberating not forcing myself to stick to one particular thing. I'm also starting to THINK about affording the Y around the corner. With winter coming, that would help a great deal.

Hope everyone is having a good week! Thanks as always for your awesome advice!

Exercise and Fear

As I've been saying for the last few weeks, blogging is helping me dig deeper into my issues regarding my weight loss efforts. This being honest with myself is VERY new to me!

This morning I was laying in bed asking myself WHY I didn't want to get up and exercise. What was it that was keeping me in bed? I was awake and didn't still didn't want to so I dug a little deeper. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks.

When I'm out of breath I'm afraid.

I lost my father when he was 49 from a cardiac arrhythmia. He struggled with his weight his entire life. I always think "I'm next". When I have an anxiety attack, which isn't very often, It makes my heart beat fast which makes me afraid which makes it worse.

Maybe this issue requires therapy. I've tried it in the past and I don't know if it works for me because I generally have an awesome life.

Maybe I need a full cardiology workup since my husband works for one of the best in the country. My dad had that though and it obviously didn't help.

I wonder if there is anything that will put my mind at ease.

Have any of you ever experienced this? If so, is there anything you've done to get past it?

I know that sitting here typing and staring down at my fat stomach isn't helping but at least there are workout clothes wrapped around the fat gut ready for a good walk at lunch. Fear or no fear.

Monday Mix Tape - tight jeans edition

My jeans are a little tight this morning and I'm not going to ignore that even though they just came out of the dryer. I'm blaming it on the amount of food and drink I consumed this weekend.

Saturday night I made paella for the first time and I have to say it turned out amazing. It would have been easier with a bigger stove and a range hood that could handle the steam but it was really fun to make. I ate A LOT of it. I took a picture but forgot my camera cord so I will try to post it tomorrow.

Yesterday I put my mad sewing skillz to the test to help my sister with her Halloween costume. She participates in a haunted house for charity every year and is going to be in a creepy doll scene. We're sewing her a doll dress that will eventually be tea stained to look old. I haven't sewn with a pattern in years and it was a challenge at first but it all came flooding back. My mother taught me how to sew probably as early as 8 years old. I enjoyed every minute of it yesterday and need to think of some more sewing projects as it's a great distraction from food!

That afternoon, I had dogs all over me. There is nothing better. There were incredibly tiny ones and incredibly huge ones. Some were in costumes and it was hilarious. What a feel good fun day all around. Partially brought on by 2 shots of tequila and 2 beers. What can I say, I've been doing people so many favors lately, everyone is buying me drinks. I can honestly say though that I've been doing a great job of not drinking unless there is a reason. Sometimes I go 2 weeks without a drop so I allow myself an occasional party day.

That was kind of a boring mix-tape this Monday! It's going to be a busy week but now that I'm working out in the mornings, I feel like I get more accomplished throughout the day. I have (a little) more energy and more time with less guilt after work. Looking forward to Friday already though!

Have a great week everyone!

Whew!

Glad that the interview is over! It went really well and I think I have a really good shot. It might take a while since they've just started interviewing and patience is not really my strong suit.

I would LOVE to work at this place and I know beyond any shadow of a doubt that I can do it. There was a little concern over my lack of experience in retail but I thought I did a good job of just laying it all on the table and saying "I can totally do this". I was confident and cool for the most part and it was helpful that he was just a normal guy. The kind of guy I really like working for.

If this is meant to be it will be. I have a job so I'm not in a hurry which he seemed to appreciate as they are approaching their busy season.

In the meantime, thanks to all my amazing blog friends for all of your sweet thoughts, prayers and well wishes I promise to keep you posted.

I'm looking forward to a fun weekend. We are having our favorite neighbors over for dinner on Saturday and Sunday is Dogtoberfest in our neighborhood with a dog parade and adoptions and things. I wanted to dress up "the girls" but the interview came before sewing dog costumes this week. My husband will be VERY happy about that. :)

Have a great weekend everyone!

NEWS FLASH - 2nd post of the day!!

I have a job interview on Friday at 11am.
Lets get those good thoughts, prayers, juju, vibes started now shall we?? :) Unfortunately it's up here in the burbs. blech. Maybe if I don't work for a jerk, the commute won't be as bad.

It's one of the top 75 companies to work for in Atlanta and it's small so that adds a level of comfort for me. Because it's small, I'm meeting directly with the president and avoiding the whole HR thing altogether. sweet.

This job is exactly what I do now so the interview will much easier than the last one. I know the industry so well which makes answering questions less nerve wrecking. I have my outfit and the portfolio will only take a little tweaking but I need to figure out what to do about changing clothes. Last interview I changed at my gym but that is nowhere near this interview. Fortunately there's only one other person in the office that day and she isn't the brightest. Creative people don't normally dress up for interviews but they certainly do more than workout clothes or jeans and flip flops like I normally wear to work.

This good news comes on a day where I have $11.14 in my checking account. The $2000 a month paycut has taken its toll and I'm ready to move on!!

This all went down right before I went on my lunch walk. I RAN part of the way I was so pumped up. Now, I'm even more sore but feeling great!!

ow ow ow ow ow

That is the noise I make walking today after rediscovering squats yesterday.

I'm breaking up with the Biggest Loser. That show last night was so awful I turned it off and only watched the weigh in. I'm not going to go on about it but it is SO not helpful. Have an injury? Here eat this Yoplait Yogurt. Need a quick lunch? Use a Ziplock bag (never mind what's in it). There was absolutely no focus on exercise or nutrition or anything. Just a bunch of swearing, bullying, whining, crying and bitching. It was barely even about weight loss at the weigh in!

I was having some anxiety issues last night and that didn't help at all! My anxiety attacks come at random and not very often so I took a xanax before bed and am just now coming back to life. I got up this morning, got on the elliptical, realized my ipod wasn't working and my legs were so sore that I couldn't even get it started. Don't worry though, I haven't given up on todays workout. I googled how to fix my ipod, left my workout clothes on and am going for another big walk at lunch. It's much cooler than it was last week when I did that so hopefully I won't feel as much like I'm going to die this time.

I feel like Peter Griffin this morning as I'm in a "you know what really grinds my gears" mood so I'm going to stop now ;) Have a great day everyone!!

Autumn in Atlanta

Well after torrential rains and flooding we finally have our first taste of fall here. I feel like the fresh cool air cleans out my head. I think the wind that brought in a cold front yesterday literally blew out all the cobwebs.

A special shout out today to Shelley. Your comment yesterday helped me get out of bed today and exercise. I sometimes think it's weird that I feel accountable to a group of people I don't know but hey, whatever works! Thanks again to everyone who supports me every day. I feel like I know myself so much better for sharing my story and it's really helping me tackle the issues behind my weight problem.

This morning at 5:45 I was putting my shoes on to go on the elliptical and stepped outside for a minute. Once I felt how cool it was outside I decided to go on the dog walk with the husband instead. We had a good 30 minute walk and only allowed 5 minutes of that to be "sniffing around time." The rest of the time we dragged the dogs as fast as we could and got a really good workout in. When I came home I had a cup of coffee and then did a 15 minute workout on the ball. Now I have jiggly legs from squats and wogging and it feels great. I need to not be such a creature of habit and allow myself to mix up my exercise and do what I feel like doing.

I've set a new goal for myself which I haven't done for a while. I'm going to lose 10 more pounds by halloween. I have a trip to Savannah and an anniversary in there so it's going to be a challenge but I'm ready to excavate the 2nd layer of the skinny clothes bin and find some fun things to wear for fall.

Hope everyone is having a great week!

two arms and one leg

A funny thing happened on the way to work today. Besides having some crazy road rage freak get out of his car and come after me, I discovered I can use the other armrest in my car! I have a CR-V and both front seats have armrests. The passenger one is always down but the driver seat one is up to accommodate my extra width. Today I slid it down and had plenty of room. So there road rage freak. You didn't ruin my day!

This got me thinking about how I really don't see myself being as large as I am. Maybe it's just my brains way of making me feel better about myself. When my co-worker is in my car, 2 of her wouldn't even fill that seat. I (used to) take up more than the whole thing.

When I was in Florida recently, my best friend from high school left her jeans in my bag. I pulled them out to give back to her and was joking with the rest of the girls how they wouldn't even fit one of my legs. The sad thing was it was true. Her waist is as big as one of my thighs. Maybe even smaller.

After the golf on Saturday (which was an incredibly fun day) we saw ourselves on TV both when Tiger was on the 6th and then when Mickelson was at the 18th. The one at the 6th was a far away shot but I was still the fattest person in the group but only because I knew what I was looking for and was being ultra critical. The 18th was another story. We were right in the front row of the bleachers and because you could only see us from the neck down, it was even worse.

I wonder when I got to the point where I was denying my size. Probably after I started gaining back the 100 pounds I lost. When it's gradual, it's not as noticeable until the lid on the skinny clothes bin won't shut anymore.

Losing 25 pounds has made a difference. I can use my arm rest and I've excavated the top layer of the skinny clothes bin but I'm glad I saw what I saw on TV because it was true. The truth hurts sometimes.

I'm mad at myself for not using that as motivation to get up this morning to work out because I felt congested and tired. I will work out tonight but that's not the point. The point is I talked myself out of it and made excuses. I'm better than that and tomorrow I won't let it happen again!

Friday!

Natural disasters on Mondays somehow make the rest of the week fly by. This was the shortest week ever which is a very good thing!

I had to go over to a friends house last night who needed to record my husbands fabulous Scottish accent for something. I got to meet his new girlfriend who is now one of my new best friends. Unfortunately, my new best friend and I drank an entire bottle of wine which led to a trip to Five Guys at 9:30 at night since we hadn't eaten any dinner. I ate a cheeseburger and it wasn't the junior one I usually get. It's okay though because I only had a few fries. RIGHT!?!?! So what do you think THAT led to? Me not getting up this morning to work out.

This is exactly why I don't drink very often. Don't get me wrong, I love it and could happily drink every day if there were no calories. The problem is even one glass of wine can lead to multiple bad decisions.

I'm not letting that lead to a crazy eating weekend. Normally I would say to myself that I've ruined all my hard work for the week and can eat whatever I want and I'll start over on Monday. Instead I stepped on the scale, saw I lost another pound and realized that my exercise can make up for the occasional bad decision. Then I told myself that the day was not over, it had just begun so I put on my workout clothes and wore them to the office. I'm going to walk at lunch today. This is major progress people. MAJOR!

I feel like I owe so much of what I've learned about myself and my weight problem to this blog and all the other blogs I read. Everywhere I turn here there is great advice, self affirmation, and help whenever you need a little boost.

Thanks y'all and thanks for my blog awards too! I'm going to put down a few honest things about me. If I have some time later I will give some out!

• I had blue hair (on purpose) most of the way through art school.
• I'm a serious clean freak. When we moved into the house we bought it was the first time I had lived anywhere where someone else had used the fridge. It took me 3 days to clean it and be able to put anything of mine in it.
• I love kids and work in kids marketing but don't have any desire to have any. Some day I will write a big long post about that.
• My mom is one of my best friends and I admire her as a person more than anyone else on earth.
• I'm still friends with almost every guy I ever dated. My husband is even friends with my boyfriend before him. I guess I've just always dated really nice guys.
• If money was no object I would dedicate my life to rescuing dogs.

Have a great weekend everyone! Check out my 'hood on the TV this weekend. They usually do some really nice stories on how the PGA tour has helped the neighborhood turn around. You never know...you might even see me! :)

circa 1988. I'm on the right. Damn I was cool. ;)

Forgotten weigh in

I forgot to weigh in yesterday. For some reason I have been having trouble keeping track of what day of the week it is. Sometimes I'm very blonde ;)

<------------ I lost this

One pound!

This is my favorite coffee ever. I know it's made here and I'm not sure you can get it anywhere else. I wish I could have some right now but I'm sure they don't have anywhere that sells it by the cup in the burbs. Even though I'm broke right now I will spend the $14 to obtain this little package of happiness.

I have coffee on the brain because I got up again this morning and did my elliptical workout. It wasn't any easier today and I feel so tired in the afternoon but I'm committed to this and I know it will get easier.

High and Dry

The sun is finally out and Atlanta is drying up again. My hearts go out to so many of those that were hit the worst. Seems like people by a river or a stream were the hardest hit.

The high part of the title is regarding my MORNING WORKOUT! Yes you read that right. I did the elliptical for 30 minutes this morning in the comfort of my own house. 5:45 comes really early but I know I can get used to it. I wanted to quit at 10 minutes then again at 20 but I pushed through 30. I will work my way up from there. The best part of working out at home is being able to wear a tank top and rock out to the ipod without feeling stupid. Aside from the occasional curious dog lick, I had some good me time. Now, I've already worked out and will have no guilt at the end of the day. I also think working out in the morning will help me make better choices throughout the day.

I wish I had more time to write today because I have a lot to say but the work is piling up and I'm sending out another resume so I need to get to it. It feels good to be proud of myself today although doubts are creeping back in the second I think about applying for another job. I'm going to try to push them aside and try to think about my mad skillz rather than my fat arse :)

(speaking of fat arses, I just had to stop what I was doing to bring something upstairs to my boss. He won't even walk down the stairs. Now, I don't feel nearly so bad about myself)

Soggy part deux

I love that now anytime anything bad happens, someone will Photoshop Kanye into a picture of said disaster. This is hilarious to me but I'm easily amused.

I'm sure most of you have seen the news about the flooding here and I'm hoping all my other Atlanta blog friends are okay. Leave me a comment to check in!

We're okay aside from a flooded basement, intermittent power and some stir-crazy dogs. I think the worst of it is over but getting home last night was a 2 hour process. They closed all 16 lanes of highway that run through the city and there were people stranded on top of their cars in the lake that was once the downtown connector. I was so thankful for my GPS to get me through the back roads. Absolutely crazy.

Because we had little to no power this morning, I didn't manage a workout but I DID get up at 6. I was kind of hoping that since schools were closed I wouldn't have to go to work and I could get a workout in when it got light out but no such luck. I'm proud of myself for at least getting up and managing to pack a healthy lunch for both of us.

Still so much work to do to catch up. I'm hoping to read some blogs later today and catch up. Looks like the power will stay on in the office! Hope everyone is having a great week.

Monday Mix Tape - Soggy Edition

Wow it is wet here in the ATL. It's been raining non-stop for a week and we're supposed to get 5 more inches today before it's all over. The dogs have cabin fever and I think we're all ready to see some sun.

I spent yesterday cleaning the tumbleweeds out of my little workout room. It suddenly occurred to me that I could use the expensive elliptical that has been sitting in my house for years as something other than a drying rack. I was up and at it this morning ready to use it until I realized that the lightning was so bad I might not want to be on something plugged into the wall. I did some random exercises instead but this is the week I start working out in the mornings. I know y'all have heard me say this for a year but I mean it this time!

My aunts funeral was on Friday and it was very sad but in the weird way that funerals do, it brought everyone so close together. My grandma is fine and my mom is fine and I'm just going to make sure to keep checking in on both of them. It's funny how the older I get, the more I give my mom the same kind of advice she would give me. Makes me realize how much she's taught me and how grateful I am to her for the way she raised us.

I managed to get tickets to the PGA Tour Championship on Saturday! I don't normally call in favors from vendors but since FedEx is one of our biggest and they sponsor the tour, I did it. I compromised by not demanding Sunday tickets :) East Lake is at the end of our street and it's such a fun day. We'll decide who we want to follow around for the day but it won't be Tiger because you usually can't get near him. I will make sure to take some pictures.

Now I must get to work. Things got off schedule big time with the funeral so I hope to get caught up today. Have a great week everyone!!

Time to focus

No weight loss to report this week. No gain either which is a miracle!

Last nights Biggest Loser was very inspiring. I almost turned it off since they started with the crying in the first minute but I hung in there. It made me realize how much I'm NOT doing right now. I have been using stress as an excuse to eat and do whatever I want when I should be using it as motivation to do those things even more.

I have a hard time changing my behavior mid-week. I'm a "start on Monday" person in the worst way but this morning I re-committed to my goals starting with breakfast. I stopped eating breakfast when I had a nervous stomach waiting to hear about that job and that's been dangerous as my appetite has come back. If I don't eat breakfast, I'm starving by lunch and will eat anything that comes from a drive-thru and can be quickly shoved in my face. I have been leaving my healthy lunch to sit in the fridge and that's not acceptable. It's a waste of my money, time and calories!

I've been doing a little yoga and feeling fine. Fall is coming and I want to run outside so I'm going to start the couch to 5k over again. I will start on that next week and finish out my week of yoga which has really worked for my back and my attitude!

Hope everyone is having a great week and thanks as always for your support. This blog is about to become more about weight loss again and less bitching about my life! :)

Big pink puffy hearts

I'm actually smiling today because this gorgeous necklace came in the mail last night. I big pink puffy heart this and It's going to be a while before I take it off! That's the great thing about friends. They are always there to cheer you up and you may even have something fun in your mailbox on the most craptastic of days :)

Thank you all for your kind words about my aunt. I was REALLY angry yesterday and after talking to my sisters, I realized we all were and didn't feel so alone in that. From what I can tell, it's a very common reaction to a suicide.

TOM arrived this morning. No wonder I felt like such a wreck. It made me laugh out loud thanks to this gem by Mr. Sh*t :)

surviving

Thank you Tammy for the comment asking where I've been. I was just thinking this weekend how I need to be more accountable for my blog even when I'm feeling miserable. It's nice to have friends whether they be people you see all the time or my blog friends.

Last week was one of my toughest weeks at work EVER but I managed to throw my best friend her birthday party which was very successful. Saturday and Sunday I spent mostly feeling sorry for myself.

This morning I had a slap in the face that kinda put things in perspective (again). My aunt, my moms sister, the 2nd youngest of 10, took her own life late last night. My mom is okay but it's my grandmother we all worry about. She's deteriorating from Alzheimer's and has to be told what happened every 5 minutes. They are all in Minnesota and everyone who isn't is headed there. My sisters and I won't be going but we will surely be here thinking of everyone there and mourning the loss of our dear aunt.

So that's where I am right now. I wish there was more I could do but I'm a little lost sitting at my desk staring at my screen. I have to interview a freelancer and then may just go to the bar to hang out with my sister for a while and then go home and love on my dogs until hubby comes home. Hug your people. Hug your pets. I need to take my own advice much more often.

Catching my breath

Being back at my desk is actually a relief today after playing hostess for the last 2 weekends. We had a great time but my time consisted mostly of cook, clean, serve, clean and repeat. My body feels like I ran a marathon and the recycling bin is going to need a fork lift to make it to the curb this week. I'm so thankful to have a husband who knows how to be a good host and how to help without me having to ask. I'm so lucky and I will never take that for granted!

I did put on 3 pounds over the long weekend but with some work this week, that will be gone in a flash. I only drank one night out of the 3 and because I was so busy, it was easy. As much as I love drinking, I'd rather eat my calories :)

The rest of this week is only slightly crazy. I have a "fancy" birthday party to go to tonight and then my best friends 40th is on Friday. The solution to that dilemma ended up being a wonderful combination of all of your suggestions. She and I are getting a pedicure right after I get out of work and then we are going to dinner at her favorite restaurant with another friend of hers. Then, back to my house for champagne on the deck. Whew. Another thing checked off the long to-do list.

I've decided to do a week of yoga and Pilates to help calm my nerves and in hopes of getting rid of some lower back pain I've developed from doing too much running around and climbing ladders. I have a degenerative disk and normally it doesn't bother me as long as I keep my core strong but I haven't been doing as much of that type of work as I should and I'm paying the price! Fortunately I've learned that repeat visits to the orthopedist and cortisone shots do nothing and it's all about the exercise.

Now that I've bored y'all to tears, I'm off to get some work done and drink about 20 gallons of water. Hope everyone had a great weekend!!

Do unto others

I'm super busy today but just had to share a good story from this morning.

I had to drop off a big donation for the Food Bank for work so I left my house early but was still in a hurry to get to the office. I felt great about doing a good deed and was driving (fast) on the nice, curvy, back roads I take to work. Not one but TWO people flashed their lights at me to let me know there was a cop hiding in the bushes ahead. Can you imagine getting a speeding ticket because you were in a hurry to get to work after making a donation to the food bank!?!?! Dodged a bullet there. Thank you nice people of Sandy Springs. I now know that you are more than just tennis skirt wearing b*tches :)

I was vacuuming at 6:00 this morning so I'm ready for my guests! I wish I could have y'all over for the amazing fruit salad I made.

Hope everyone has a wonderful Labor Day weekend!!

*helpful hint....combine yoga moves with home pedicure. It's a time saver! :)

Baggy pants

Why is it that sometimes the scale won't move much but suddenly it's time for new pants? I should say "trousers" so my British friends don't snicker ;) I might even have to venture in to the two bins of skinny clothes I have and see what's in there! Yesterday's pants could barely zip at the beginning of the summer and when I put them on, I thought they were ripped or something because they would barely stay on. The scale is a constant source of confusion but screw it, I'm feeling pretty good about going down a size or two. Anyone else experience this?

I'm running around like crazy today and tonight working and getting ready for my Scottish family to arrive tomorrow. I'm trying to put together some meals that don't break the money and calorie bank. I'm running out of time! :) Hope everyone is having a great week!

Better!

Thank you all for your sweet responses to my post yesterday. I was really down but I'm feeling a lot better today. I was even rocking out to Peter Murphy (my most favorite singer of all times) on the way to work. Yes, I'm almost 40 and still listen to the same music as I did when I was a teenager. I think it keeps me young :)

I sent out another resume yesterday and that's really all I can do right now. The fact that I was 1 of 6 interviewed out of 350 applicants for this last job proves to me that my resume and portfolio are in good shape.

I wish I could write more today but the work ain't gonna do itself. Have a great day everyone and thanks for cheering me up!!

Monday Mix Tape

I lost another pound on Wednesday weigh in which I forgot to report!

I have had a constant stream of house guests since Friday and drank a bit too much. We have Scottish family coming Friday-Monday which gives me just enough time to re-clean the house and give my liver a break!

My doctor broke up with me today. In a letter. This was due to the physical I had a while back and found out after that fact our admin had changed our insurance and it wasn't covered. Now I owe them $500 and they won't see me again until it's paid off. I was hoping they could at least discount it a little or let me pay them $100 a month for a while. Nope. Not even after 14 years of going there. Thanks a lot people!

I'm making $2000 less a month right now and this snowball is rolling down the hill and getting big. It's so hard to think about working out and eating well when I'm tears every day over it. Every month is a juggling act with the bills and it takes everything out of me. I'm trying to use the frustration from it all to "fuel my fire" but when I'm depressed I get lazy.

I'm just going to keep plugging along like I always do and keep the faith that there's something better on the horizon. Luckily, I have an amazing husband and the best dogs in the world to go home to tonight.

Sorry to be a downer but I'm keeping an honest track of how I'm feeling whether it's good or bad. Now I'm off to catch up on some more cheerful blogs :)

Inspiration

You know, I thought I was lazy until I hear this exchange yesterday between my boss and my co-worker.
CW: They have just opened our favorite restaurant in the DFW airport. We can eat lunch there on our trip tomorrow.
BOSS: I'm not walking anywhere.
He is a heart attack waiting to happen. Drinks regular Coke, eats candy and chips all day and then only dinner as a meal. Probably somewhere in the neighborhood of 350 pounds. Nothing anyone could ever say will change his habits either. I feel a bit better about myself :)

Speaking of feeling better, I'm inspired. I know I'm late to the Sean party, but if you haven't read his blog yet DO IT. You will laugh, you will cry and then you will feel like this whole weight loss thing "ain't rocket surgery" as I like to say. I'm going back to basics. Calorie counting, moving, and figuring out exactly what I need to do in my head to make me not gain it all back this time. That's only 3 things. I can do that and I can afford it :)

Now, I'm off to catch up on some blogs, get some work done (which hasn't happened since I've been reading Seans blog from day one) and figure out a daily calorie count on FitDay or Sparkpeople. Hope y'all are having a great week!

bummer

Yesterday I stayed home from work with the remains of some seriously annoying lower back pain and It's a good thing I did because a rejection email came yesterday from the job I've been waiting to hear about. I am seriously bummed.

I know why I didn't get the job. It's not something that's easy for me to talk about but it's time to admit it. I can have the best portfolio and personality out there but it's not going to change the fact that I'm a short, fat girl applying for an executive level job in the fashion industry. I should have know during the interview when I asked about the culture and was given the speech about the Divas and the designer clothes. The recruiter talked about it as if she was surprised herself since it was kids clothing but nonetheless, I saw those types wandering the halls and maybe even a snicker or two in my direction that I refused to believe at the time.

I was saying to my husband that unfortunately, people face the issue of prejudice every day. For most, it's something they cannot change like the color of their skin or their sexual orientation or a disability. Mine is something I CAN change and I'm ashamed of myself for doing it once and letting myself go again. I accomplished so much more in my size 10 jeans than in my 22's.

If anything, this has served as a big fat slap in the big fat arse. I had a little hissy-fit in my closet this morning and threw my nicely hung up waiting for second interview giant-sized black pants on the floor way behind the skinny clothes bins. Then I packed my gym bag for the first time in 2 weeks. It's the only plan 'b' I can think of.

you guys rule

Thank you SO much for all of the responses! I seriously had no idea so many people read what I write. I see some new names in the comments and I will be by to visit your blogs when I have a minute!

Great ideas and I think I took a bit from every one of them! She is coming over tomorrow night for drinks and here is what I'm going to say:

"Listen, I've been thinking a lot about your upcoming birthday and I feel like if you want to have a party, your husband should put something together at your house because he (hopefully) knows all of your friends and family that you would want to be there. I'd be happy to bring the cake and make a jug of margaritas. I don't think I can do it at my house because it's a Friday night and I don't even know where I will be working then. If not then lets get some girls together and go out to the bar/pedicure place or dinner somewhere fun."

I think that is being honest but not at all mean while keeping in mind that it is my friends special day and I do want to do SOME nice things. Just not all of it! I did manage to come up with this little idea for her card and possibly the cake...

My friend is a Hello Kitty fanatic and a nurse so I added the little hat. I've been working on some "crows feet" but it's not turning out so it may have to stay like this! I think she'll get it :)

I wish I had more to report. I bought second interview shoes so lets hope I have to wear them!

WWBD?

Okay y'all I need some advice from my blog friends. Completely off topic.

My other best friend is about to turn 40. She has a 2 year old and the most horrible husband on earth (which I won't go into because that's another rage filled post)

I know beyond any shadow of a doubt that he will plan nothing, do nothing, or even care that she's celebrating a big birthday. The thing that really sucks? It's his birthday too.

I'm always the one who does all the parties because that's just the way I am. Always thinking about others. Right now, the thought of spending all that money and time (keep in mind I'm a perfectionist) is painful. I feel like I would be a bad friend if I just planned a dinner out because she said she really wanted a party. I would have to have it at my house and pretend like it was for him too even though he treats me worse than dirt.

My question to you is should I:
1. Stop feeling responsible and hope he plans SOMETHING?
2. Just suck it up and throw the damn party for a dear friend I've known for 20 years.

Okay enough of that. Still waiting waiting and waiting some more over here. There is no direction to my life at all right now but I'm surviving.

Thanks for the 2 blog awards I got yesterday from Tammy and 266 . I really appreciate it and promise to pass it on when I have a moment to think. Right now, stupid work needs to be done.

Have a great day everyone and thanks in advance for your advice!

Setting new goals

waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting

It's going to be a long week folks. Hoping to hear something early in the week so I can either move on or take another giant leap in the interview process.

I could not sit still this weekend. I took out my frustrations on this:

We are scraping one side of our house and planning on painting the entire thing ourselves due to budget issues. I'm calling it the "summer of love" to make it sound fun. I have noticed that my triceps, biceps, shoulders and back have gotten a lot more defined since starting this project. I would say we have another few weekends of scraping. If my financial situation happens to change in the next few weeks as I'm hoping, you can bet an entire crew will be called in to do the painting and we can do something else instead of risking our lives on ladders :)


Because everything is so up in the air right now, I've found myself with no goals. My goal to lose 100 pounds by my 40th birthday is unattainable unless I went on the Biggest Loser so it's time to reevaluate. Anything long term is TBD right now since it could all change with a phone call so I'm going to focus on the short term and work out every day whether it's at home or at the gym. I have meals planned for the week and lots of prep work done so I just need to remain calm and focus on my small goal. That is seriously all my packed-full brain can handle at the moment. I might even take a class so that someone can tell me what to do and I don't have to think!

Thanks for all the well wishes. I will keep y'all posted. Have a great week!!

The waiting is the hardest part

I have been terrible about blogging the past week or so and it's probably because I've been eating terribly and not exercising. I haven't been shoving food in my face or anything but more like only eating once a day and not being prepared etc. The only time I've been to the gym is to change clothes after my interview :)

I can't focus to save my life. I know I'm not supposed to hear about any next steps on the interview until next week but it's all I can think about. Part of me feels so good about it and if I were truly practicing 'the Secret' I would be packing up my office. The other part of me has fat girl worries that I just don't fit in with all the Divas and the tall, hot, skinny girls wandering the halls. I'm hoping my talent and my personality will prevail. Don't get me wrong, I looked GREAT for the interview (if I do say so myself!) but this is a very different industry and I have no idea if that will be a factor.

No matter what happens, I don't want to feel this way about myself anymore. It's almost been a year since I started blogging. My profile says I'm trying to lose 100 pounds before my 40th birthday. That is now only 3 months away. If I get this job, it will change my life and give me the time and the location to exercise every day. If I don't, I'm going to have to try that much harder.

Okay, now I feel better after getting all that out. I'm saying my prayers daily, not just that I get the job, but that whatever is meant to be for me is what happens. If it's not too hot to breathe, I'm going to take a nice long, head clearing walk after work and try to slap myself back to reality.

whew!

Huge sigh of relief. The interview is over (for now) I think it went really well. Most of the things she said I liked and there were a few things that scared me (as in the word Diva being brought up in regard to culture) but there are fashion designers involved and that is to be expected. I want this job and for now, I'm leaving it up to the universe. It's going to be panic all over again if I get a second interview!

In the meantime, I'm so freaking busy it's ridiculous so until I can go home and have a glass of wine, I'll be working my butt off. I promise to keep y'all posted and thanks so much for the thoughts, prayers and well wishes!

Finally!

It seems like it's been months since I had any good news with regard to weight loss or anything else for that matter. My weight has been staying the same and as y'all know I was feeling like I was at a dead end in my career.

Well, I lost a whole pound this week, even while traveling.

AND

I have an interview on Tuesday morning for the dream job I applied for months ago!

I'm freaking out of course about what to wear and if I'm good enough to go from a tiny company to a billion dollar company and a million other neurotic thoughts but that leads me to an important point.

My heart has been heavy since I heard the news about Jen's mom. I don't know them at all but I feel like I do and have had them all in my thoughts all week. I had written her a little note about how I lost my dad suddenly but still talk to him all the time. In fact, all weekend I was having "discussions" with him about my career since he was a well respected and successful business man. This phone call for this interview was proof to me that he is still there and looking out for me all the time. Jen, if you're reading this, I hope it helps to know that.

In the meantime, I'm going to work out every day before my interview. Even though I can't lose 100 pounds before I go, I know I will feel more confident. I'm definitely putting the Y on hold because if I get this job, I will work across the street from an awesome gym. That and saving 80 minutes of driving PER DAY! If I convert driving time to cardio time, I'll be at goal before I know it! :)

Back to reality!

Longboat Key at Sunset. The girl next to me is a triathlete and I never meant to have a picture of my ass taken standing next to her :)

The majority of these girls I hadn't seen in 20 years. We do not look like a bunch of almost 40 year olds. Can't believe I grew up in such a pretty place.

Another weekend, another short trip to Florida! This time for a baby shower for a high school friend which turned into the high school reunion I missed last October. We had such a great time and I was very happy that the one of us who became a millionaire that was the one who threw the shower! Nothing like a free weekend in a beach house with a catered party! :)

Once again, I had about an hour to float around in the Gulf. The week leading up to my trip was hard and stressful and I just couldn't shed the anxiety, even though I was exercising. I had quite a few xanax last week which I only use for "emergencies". Today I'm relaxed again and I owe it all to the beach! I say this every time I come back but some day I will end up back there again.

I'm looking forward to being back in the gym tonight. Not dreading it at all which is odd. Maybe it's because I'm so relaxed. Maybe it's starting to finally become a habit. For now I will keep exercising after work until I have a minute to figure out how to afford the Y.

Looking forward to catching up. Hope you all are having a great week!!

A revelation

I have been slack on the posting but I had a ton of work to do and felt it would be better to get that done before blogging. Now it's Wednesday already and I haven't had a minute to breathe!

Still on an emotional roller coaster ride but I had a revelation on the elliptical last night. While the rest of my life is rather crazy and out of control, the one and only thing I have complete control over is myself. I've been feeling so powerLESS over my job and the general state of the economy and the only time I feel powerFUL is when I'm drenched in sweat while pushing my body to its limits. I have read some posts from other bloggers regarding this but it's one of those you have to experience for yourself to really get it. Next time I'm trying to talk myself out of exercising, I will remember that one for sure.

It's going to be another couple of weeks before I can use my 7 day pass at the Y. I'm out of town on Friday and Monday and didn't want to waste any of it. I will keep y'all posted.

Hope everyone is having a great week. I'm hoping to catch up on some blog reading!

Okay, here we go again!

Y'all made me blush with all your sweet comments about my pictures. I'm going to put more up because it sure made me feel great about myself ;) I get so many compliments on that dress and it was a $20 find at Ross! I found 2 dresses that day. Sometimes you just get lucky...or maybe it's just constant prayers to the Gods of plus-size fashion. Prayers for sleeves have yet to be answered :)

What a week it's been. I'm having a dinner party Saturday night and I'm making a chicken curry (Jalfrezi) from scratch. I've been freaking out about it all week and had to take a xanax last night just to calm down. I had a schedule of getting everything I needed and then got a desperate call from a friend who's baby arrived a month and a half early and needed me to help him finish painting the last room in the house they've entirely remodeled for the baby. It turned out to be a good thing because I helped a friend, got a great workout and a beautiful baby girl was born early but healthy!

My best friend is here this weekend and the favorite neighbors are coming over to join us for the curry night so I was up at 6 cleaning. I have been more relaxed about the cleaning thing lately but suddenly I'm a freak about it again. I think it's hormonal and once I have some wine with my friend I can let it all go! I'm excited to go to the farmers market and the Indian grocery store to get all my exotic ingredients and stock up on good things for the week ahead.

Speaking of the week ahead, my whole point of this post is that thanks to all of your help (my husband included!) we have found a solution to our workout schedule that should work at least in the short-term. I drop my husband off at work in the morning at the hospital where our gym is. We are simply going to get up, he will quickly walk the dogs while I pack up lunches (assembled the night before) and we will leave the house at 6:30. That gives us plenty of time to get there, work out for an hour and then get showered and ready to go to work. He has to walk across the street but I still have another 20 minute drive but this way I can keep my Weight Watchers membership and continue to use my regular gym which is very inexpensive.

Eventually, when we can afford it, we want to work out with a trainer once a week together. This week, we will start with Monday, Wednesday and Friday to let the dogs get used to being on their own longer so I'll find something to do on the days in between. Maybe Biggest Loser Yoga.

So, stay tuned for some glorious details of my journey to become a skinny morning person. I can't thank you enough for all of your help!

Re-evaluating

My favorite neighbor and I in the clubhouse. She is an actress/model which is never the kind of person you want to get your picture taken with. Luckily she's not tall.

The whole gang from our street.

Above are some pictures from the Gala on Friday night. I have to admit I didn't hate them and want to get rid of them. Some progress is being made! It was so much fun but I'm DEFINITELY not a regular country club type :)

It's been such a crazy week and it's only Wednesday. I've been feeling really tired, and cranky and then all of a sudden got my period and could not believe a month had passed already. Seems like if one thing disrupts my schedule, such as travel, everything falls out of place for weeks. Like a snowball, rolling down a hill, getting fatter by the minute :)

This leads me to my re-evaluation. I'm so glad I wrote about my daily schedule because it's helped me to do a lot of thinking about it. I can't keep living with the idea that my schedule is ever going to be flexible. I would love to work through lunch and get off early or come in early and leave early but that's just not something that is possible at my job. In fact, I asked to leave 5 minutes early for the Braves Game last week and that turned into a yelling match with my boss. Yes, I'm a VP and yes, I have to ask. I got such shit about it that I cried all the way home. I can't explain how the traffic here works but if I get a 5 minute head start, it saves me 20 minutes on my drive. He won't even give me 5 minutes to save me 20. I could go on and on about it but it's not going to change anything so I'm trying to figure out another way.

Working out after work has been okay for a while but getting home at 8:00 is not ideal when we go to bed at 10:00. Also, there are too many social obligations and life events that get in the way and lots of time to talk myself out of it.

So where does that leave me? Back to the sore subject of mornings which I've probably written about a million times by now. I can't go to my current gym in the morning because it's way too far but I have a gorgeous Y right around the corner from home. I'm thinking of quitting my Weight Watchers plan and joining. I can't afford both right now but I think I could use Sparkpeople the same way I use Weight Watchers. If I got up at 5:45, I could have an hour to work out and an hour to do all my other morning things. I would have to break up with the Today Show but I can listen to news and drink my coffee in the car.

See that gorgeous Indian woman 3 people from the right in the group picture? She works out every day at the crack of dawn at our Y. She's 6 months pregnant too. We all joke about how she makes us all feel like a bunch of lazy asses but maybe I should take that seriously. She obviously doesn't get her perfect bod sitting around in her robe in the morning.

Next week I'm going to give the 7 day trial membership a shot. If I feel like I can commit to getting up, I will join. I'm going to give it everything I have. I'm tired of fighting with myself to go after a 9 hour work day and a 2 hour commute. I'm tired of writing about losing and gaining the same 5 pounds all the time. Something has to change and change is so freaking hard for me.

In the meantime, all you morning people, let me know your secrets. Keep in mind my mother said I've never been a morning person, from the day I was born :)

B*tches and Baseball

Last night our neighbors got Braves tickets last minute and invited us along. We had great seats 13 rows behind home plate and it was the most fun I've ever had at a game. Of course it was a great game and we beat the Mets but the company was even better. We have grown so close to them and the laughs never stop. They are both actor/models and extraordinarily good looking (not our normal 'crowd') but they are completely normal, down to earth people that constantly entertain me.

Now, on to the b*tches. We were sitting very close to the players "wives" section (if you can call it that!) I wish I had a video camera because words cannot just do justice to what we witnessed in that section last night. There were 2 Paris Hilton types sitting next to each other. Both wearing tiny dresses and 6 inch heels. We had to be careful not to stare too long because the glare off the diamonds could have burned out our retinas. They sat identically cross legged, with legs as long as I am, chomping gum and simultaneously texting on their Blackberries. Neighbor wife and I were playing the "guess the cost of her giant Chanel bag sitting on the floor" game when they suddenly stood up, hiked up their skirts and started doing stripper dances for Chipper Jones who was next up to bat. He was doing that revolting lizard like tongue thing back at them. Chipper is known for having many children with different wives and girlfriends (one being a Hooters waitress) but there were so many little kids down in front, with his name on the back of their little jerseys, and he's acting like a complete prick. Not to mention all the little kids around the girls. Seriously good entertainment though ;)

I'm going to a Gala this evening which sounds fancy doesn't it? We got together with all the other friends on our street and bought a table which raises money to put up historical monuments in our neighborhood where major events happened during the Battle of Atlanta. We are actually going to get to go INSIDE the East Lake Country Club where the final leg of the PGA tour is played every year. It's only 2 blocks from our house but we've never been inside the clubhouse. We did get to spend the day inside the grounds for the Tour once and I hope to do that again one day too. I'm wearing a dress which hurts my sunburned shoulders but at least I have something to wear that fits. It doesn't look horrible either!

Oh and since this is a weight loss blog, I weighed in this morning the same as last week. I'm happy about that since I traveled this week and had my yearly non-turkey hot dog at the baseball game. Hope everyone has a wonderful, relaxing weekend. It's supposed to be mid 80s and less humid here. Bring it on!! :)

I'm back and I'm burned!

view from the balcony!

Just a slight sunburn, from floating in the glorious Gulf of Mexico for an hour yesterday. I'm SO thankful I got to do that even though it meant getting all undressed, down to the beach, dressed again and immediately transported back to the hell which is Atlanta airport. At least the pain of arriving back was slightly diminished when I helped some poor woman find her way through the airport. She was in tears and said she was from Kansas and had never seen anything like it. I was so happy to help her and got her where she needed to go.

So now I'm back at my desk with only the slight tingling of my shoulders to remind me of the past 2 days. The food was good but it wasn't exceptional so I didn't overdo it at the conference. Yesterdays lunch was a gorgeous grilled grouper sandwich eaten beach-side. That's the best thing about eating in Florida is that I love grilled seafood and am never tempted to eat anything other than that. I had a bite of Key Lime Pie which was plenty although my frozen Rum Runner was probably not the best calorie wise. Luckily there was only time for one of those ;)

I feel refreshed and relaxed and happier than I have in a while. It's amazing what sunshine and ocean does to my spirit. I'm committed to doing whatever it takes to get me back there some day whether it be sooner or later. I need to let go of things I have no control of and allow myself be led down the path of what's next for me. In the mean time, I'm focusing on what I do have control over which is my happiness and my health.

Now, I'm off to catch up on some blogs that I haven't been able to read for the last few days!

Monday Ramblings

I'm so tired today! It was one of those weird drives to work where I felt like I was going to nod off. I just kept drinking my coffee but still feel like I'm in a haze. I thought some blog writing and reading would ease me into the week.

I did okay this weekend. Not great but not horrible either. I didn't drink too much but there was an incident with a chocolate croissant and some ice cream. Luckily the ice cream wasn't much and it was the Edy's low-fat variety. Any over-eating was purely out of boredom.

I came to a huge standstill on my paint scraping when I realized that so many of the clapboards are going to need to be replaced that we might as well get someone to replace them all. That left me really bummed and without a project for the weekend. I tried to just sit around and relax but that's something I have a seriously hard time doing. At one point my husband found me sitting on the deck reading Real Simple and said he was happy to see me doing nothing. I laughed and told him I was reading an article titled "10 ways to do nothing". At least I was doing something while doing nothing ;)

Tomorrow I'm traveling to Marco Island for work and unfortunately it's a packed schedule and it's all work. I hope to at least get 5 minutes to put my toes in the sand or jump in a pool. We're staying at a gorgeous beach resort so it's a shame I won't have more time to enjoy it. I'm bringing my workout clothes in hopes of getting some time to get some exercise. It's going to be a challenge!

In other news, I've applied for some more jobs. Fingers crossed everyone...mama needs some new siding!

I hope everyone had a great weekend. I will be back on Thursday!

Friday!

I'm really looking forward to getting away from my desk at the end of this day. The weather is so gorgeous and cool this morning all I wanted to do was go out for a big walk with the dogs. On my way to work I passed lots of people doing just that. Some day I will have a flexible schedule. I just have to keep telling myself that.

My average mile on the treadmill last night was 18:45! Down from my 19.8. :) I did 2.6 miles in about 50 minutes with warm-up and cool down. I burned 400 calories too! It was tough to go faster and run more but it felt great and I probably wouldn't have stopped if my shins weren't screaming out for some relief. Midway through this gazelle like Paris Hilton thing got on the treadmill next to me. I kept focus on what I was doing and kept my little legs flying. I was drenched in sweat and sung out loud all the way home on a virtually empty highway. Love those kinds of workouts.

I have the house to myself tonight so I'm thinking HGTV and some sushi AFTER my 5th night in a row at the gym. I caught myself thinking I'd done enough working out this week and had to snap myself back into "losing 100 pounds mode". Back then I did cardio 5-6 days a week and not 3-4. There's a big difference for me and I'm trying to get back to THAT being the norm. Lord help me :)

Hope everyone has a lovely, relaxing weekend and thanks as always for such awesome support!

A New Low

I really wish I would have gone to weigh in today because those 2 pounds disappeared yesterday and I'm on "new pounds" again!

The oh so wise Mr. Sh*t said yesterday in a comment

"When I'm exercising, I don't overdo it on food because I equate that 300 calorie piece of crap to a half hour on the elliptical. Totally not worth it."

That is EXACTLY how my mind worked back when I lost 100 pounds and I THANK YOU for that reminder. It instantly came back to me! That's how I did it! That's how I was successful! I find it strange that I have forgotten what I accomplished back then and can't remember exactly what I did or how it felt. I'm sure I didn't do everything right because the second I hit my goal, I relaxed my exercise and eating habits and gained it all back. And then some!

I made it 45 minutes on the elliptical last night and burned 350 calories according to my heart rate monitor. I thought the extra 15 minutes would be really hard but it wasn't too bad.

I also did something very MizFit yesterday. When I was leaving the grocery store, I had a 12 pack of Diet Dr. Pepper and a gallon of milk. I had parked my car far away (on purpose) and walked all the way back to the car doing bicep curls and shoulder raises with my purchases.

Tonight I'm back on the treadmill and trying to beat my sad little 19.8 minute mile...my legs are seriously 2 feet long so it's going to be interesting to see how much faster I can get :)

Tomorrow=Friday. Hurrah!

Back at Weight Watchers

+2 pounds. I can't say I'm too upset after not having been for a month. Next week will be a loss although I'm going to have to do some creative scheduling since I'll be out of town for work the middle of next week. I'll have to decide whether to weigh in before I go or when I get back. Luckily I'm traveling with my 90 pound co-worker who is the healthiest eater I know and also one of my strongest supporters!

Thank you all for your suggestions yesterday on my schedule. I suppose I should have clarified how much my husband does because he deserves some serious props. Not only does he run the dogs twice a day for 30 minutes, he feeds them, empties the dishwasher, does the laundry, starts dinner, mows the grass, waters the garden and so on. I don't want anyone to get the idea that I married someone who doesn't do anything because I would rather be single if that were the case! :) I'm going to start getting up 30 minutes earlier to do some abs and resistance training in the morning and focus on getting my cardio after work.

Speaking of cardio, I did 45 minutes on the treadmill last night for the first time in a very long time. About 15 minutes of that was running and I burned 340 calories. I'm trying at least 300 every workout and alternating treadmill and elliptical each night. So far so good!

This week is going by fast thankfully! Hope you are all doing great!

A day in the life

I've been thinking a lot about time management lately and wanted to lay out my daily schedule and see if there's any room for improvement.

5:45am - alarm goes off
6:05am - husband gets up
6:30am - I get up and take a shower
6:50am - husband has my coffee ready (love him!)
7:00am - watch first 20 minutes of Today with my coffee
7:20am - assemble both of our lunches and snacks
7:40am - finish getting ready. Pack gym bag.
7:50am - out the door
8:30am - arrive at work
12:30pm - eat lunch at my desk
1:00pm- go out to run errands or sit in my car and read for a while.
2:00pm- back to work
5:30pm- leave work
6:00pm- arrive at gym
7:00pm- leave gym
7.30pm- arrive home - finish making dinner
8:00pm- unpack gym bag - eat dinner
8:30pm- clean up kitchen and maybe catch some HGTV
9:00pm- watch something on TV with husband
10:00pm- bed

Now that I see how my day is scheduled I can see why I feel like I do the same thing everyday and most of it revolves around trying to be healthy! I used to have the opportunity to work out at lunch back when I lost 100 pounds but there is really no way I can in my current situation. I've gone over that a million times in my head and it's not doable with only an hour. I did Curves for a while at lunch but it's a waste of time because it's not enough hard work for me. Maybe this is how it's supposed to be right now - it just sometimes feels like a really long day without a lot of time for myself. I'm sure I'm not alone in that feeling!

I woke up with very sore legs this morning and that was my punishment for skipping the gym for 2 weeks straight. It felt great to go back last night and my goal is to go every night this week. 1 day down, 4 to go! I like a small challenge like that. It somehow feels manageable if I take it a week at a time.