it IS a merry Christmas after all!

Yesterday we closed on a refinance of our house which gave us an interest rate even our closing attorney was jealous of.

Then we got home to find my husbands permanent green card in the mail. I have worked on this for FOUR years people! I've done it all myself with no lawyer.

We were jumping up and down and hugging and kissing then went out to our local pubs Christmas party. Thank goodness I had my husband to remind me it was Monday night and that it was time to go home. I could have partied all night.

Now I can relax and put away these huge mountains of paperwork. This year my gift was not something given but a burden taken away. Interesting!

Still here, still crazy, back next year.

I feel terrible that I haven't been blogging but due to the economy this year, I've been making a good bit of my gifts and the time has just flown by. I have been so focused on that, paperwork for our house refinance and more paperwork for my husbands permanent green card. I don't even have any kids and I'm going crazy. I can't imagine what that adds to the crazy.

I'll be starting the new year with a brand new Polar F6 heart rate monitor and I'm really excited about it. Mostly because I can use it in the pool and I'm curious to know how many calories I burn while cleaning and vacuuming. I'm buying some workout clothes with my Christmas money and plan to get back on the exercise wagon full force. Along with all the other new years resolution types that pack the gym.

For now though, I would like to wish everyone out there a wonderful holiday season. Mine is filled with hope for better things to come next year. For the world and for my big fat butt : )

Christmas Craziness

I always try so hard at this time of year to keep it simple and take care of myself and not stress out etc. Well, as always, it ends up even crazier than the last year. I have a huge family, plus my husbands family overseas so it seems like just a never ending stream of shopping, and mailing and then of course the baking! So much for keeping it simple.

I've been getting quite a bit of exercise but when it comes to eating everything is off schedule and I'm in "eat what I can when I can" mode. I don't understand how I can be such an organized person and a planner by nature but I still let it get the best of me.

I was at a party on Saturday afternoon that was pretty uncomfortable because we only really knew the hostess. The food was so good though that I was wishing for some time alone with it! The ONLY good thing about being the fattest girl in the room is that you don't want anyone to see you eating so you don't.

I've been getting up earlier and earlier with the intent of being a 6am workout person by the start of the year. As much as I have tried to figure out another option, it's the only way I can fit exercise into my schedule. I hate New Years resolutions because mine is always to lose weight so I thought I would approach it differently.

I will get through this time and things will settle down again. In the mean time I will keep exercising and maybe even make time to eat a vegetable again this week : )

Blog Award

Thanks to Allison over at http://doublechinned.blogspot.com/ for my first Blog award. Sorry, I'm a little behind in the blogging due to Christmas craziness.

Here are the rules for the award:


1. You have to pass it on to 5 fabulous blogs.

2. You have to list 5 of your fabulous addictions.

3. Make sure you include the person that gave you the award and link it back to them.

Okay

1.And the nominations are:

Fat Bridesmaid at http://afatbridesmaid.blogspot.com/
Lorri at http://www.myallnaturalweightloss.com/
Juice at http://positivelylosing.blogspot.com/
Brian at http://q102briand.typepad.com/waistmanagement/
Lisa at http://meltinglisa.blogspot.com/

These are just a few blogs I among the many I read every day for inspiration.

2. Now my five fabulous addictions:

Cleaning and cleaning products. I'm the queen of clean. The Dyson diva.
Tools. I'm girly but I LOVE tools and home improvement.
Handbags. They always fit no matter how fat you are.
Dogs. If I'm ever rich I will rescue hundreds of them and live on a big farm.
Oprah. I do whatever she tells me to do : )

Serious Woman

MizFit called me that yesterday and I've been thinking about it ever since. That's exactly what I need to be right now and what I used to be when I lost 100 pounds. Thanks for the inspiration as always Miz.

Well I got up early today but I didn't get on the elliptical. I'm trying to figure out what the best way to time my new morning schedule is. I'm such a sound sleeper and feel like I can't even get my contacts in right away so I need a little time to wake up but not too much time or I'll just sit and drink coffee all morning. I know it will take some adjustment but my goal is to be in a working routine by Jan 1. Then I can seriously consider a trainer again.

I also really want to run again and so does my husband. The dogs could use it too! We're a ways off from that but maybe after I get some initial pounds off we can think about doing the couch to 5K program we've always wanted to try. I miss the high from running I can't seem to get any other way.

I'm feeling good and motivated. Now this serious woman is off to get some work done!

The last year of my 30's

Okay kids. Now it's time to get serious. I officially have 1 year left until I'm 40 and I have to have to have to have to get this weight off of me.

As much as I enjoyed having a birthday and eating delicious food I was absolutely MISERABLE in the restaurant. I had to stuff myself into some appropriate jeans which are too long to wear without a heel, therefore I had to wear a heel for the first time since spraining my ankles. It was all I could do to stand up much less breathe. Because I'm so short, I sometimes can't touch the floor with my feet in a restaurant chair so I was constantly sliding off the wood chairs. I couldn't wait to go home and put on some comfortable clothes again. How sad is it that tight clothes ruined my birthday dinner.

On a fun note, after lots of work and 8 turkey dogs for the models, the Christmas picture was a success.

Thanks to everyone for all the birthday greetings. I'm excited about the year ahead. I know I can make myself feel better and that is empowering!

I heart blogland

Y'all are so sweet for all the nice comments on yesterdays post. I'm at a strange time in my life where I only have a handful of friends and only really talk about weight issues with my husband. It's nice to get some fresh advice and encouragement. So thank you for caring about me even though you don't know me!

Hubby went to the doc yesterday and while she is pleased that he's not smoking anymore, she wasn't pleased about the 20lbs he's gained. She says if he loses the weight she'll start taking him off his blood pressure meds. Now that is something to work for! He said we would both sit down and figure out the meal plan for the week, stick to it and get our exercise.

This weekend we are celebrating my birthday which is Monday. My best friend is coming to town from Savannah and we'll be going out Saturday night for dinner. Luckily I eat seafood and salad at this restaurant so aside from my birthday dessert (shared of course!) it shouldn't throw me off too bad. Oh and the wine : ) I'm taking Friday off just as a day for myself but it's looking like I'm going to end up doing some work. At least it will be at home, in my jammies, with my dogs.

Aside from the rain and cold I'm feeling a bit more motivated today. I'm buried in work work and paperwork for a house refinance and selling my old car. I will take the dogs on a long walk tomorrow on my day off and clear the rest of the cobwebs out. Until then, I must finish up this crazy crazy day.

The opposite of me

Last night, while standing in line waiting to vote in the runoff, I realized how self-conscious I've become. As I watched other girls get in line they all looked so professional and put together.

I'm constantly worried that my top isn't long enough to cover my enormous gut. I wear the same thing every other day because nothing else fits. I refuse to buy a winter coat at this size so I just deal with a few layers of clothes. I look like a bum. I don't do much with my hair and wear very little makeup. I wear jeans and a hoodie everyday to work. I haven't been able to wear shoes with a heel since my ankle injury.

I'm sure there are people out there who would kill to be able to wear what I wear to work but I want to feel stylish again. I want to wear my cute XL Gap pea coat with the pink lining. I want to wear boots with heels and nice pants again. It comes down to wanting to feel like me again. I'm NOT this self-conscious person I've become. I'm outgoing and happy with who I am. I'm letting the fat suffocate that cute girl. I'm the VP of a company for Gods sake. I should look like one.

I think the winter has taken its toll on me already. It's been so cold and I haven't gotten my butt out of bed early yet this week. I haven't gone to the pool either. So half the week is gone and I've done nothing for exercise. I just feel flat. I think it might be PMS because I cried in the car yesterday and something my husband said that he meant to be funny. I'm such a dork. He felt horrible about it. We've never even had a fight so it probably surprised him.

What is it going to take to get me in gear? My actions are of a person who doesn't care at all but at the same time I'm more conscious of it than ever. I think about my weight constantly but act like I can't be bothered to change it. Maybe after the 1st of the year I'll think about hiring a trainer again with my bonus. That way I have no choice.

Back to reality

I can't believe how fast Thanksgiving flew by. I've been going between working my butt off or not doing anything at all. I think it's just what I needed actually. I thought I was on the verge of getting a cold but I seem to have made it go away with lots of tea and Airborne.

I didn't weigh in today but my jeans fit so I think I survived. I got a lot of exercise doing house projects too. I really didn't do too badly with eating. When I cook all day I tend to not eat as much. I did eat a ton of turkey since I'm the only one my mom trusts to carve it!

One of the big projects was laying carpet tiles in my workout room. I haven't used the elliptical since we moved in 2 years ago because the room was small and the carpet needed replacing from a leak in the corner. I dusted everything off and even ran cable into the room so I can watch the Today show while I work out in the mornings. Hopefully this will help me this winter when I can't walk outside.

This project really opened my eyes to how out of shape I am. I couldn't be on my knees for more than a minute and had a really hard time getting up and down off the floor. It's a shame really because I love house projects and my size is keeping me from doing them easily. I've never been one to say I can't do something but that is going to happen if I don't do something.

The more I think about what I did when I lost 100 pounds, it all comes back to exercise. Maybe that's why I don't remember what I ate - because I didn't adjust my diet as much as I upped my exercise. I was exercising 7 days a week for the most part and it's just time to get a routine again. It was a part of my daily life. Now that I have my room redone I have no excuse.

I made a big pot of split pea soup for the week and have dinners planned. Should be a good one. Now if I can just get my fat butt out of bed tomorrow we'll be starting the new routine!

Not traveling after all

My trip was postponed to Monday which is a bummer because now I'm chained to my desk all day!

I didn't end up going to the gym last night because there must have been a football game at Georgia Tech and every exit close to there was backed up for miles. I did go on a lovely walk in the dark with my husband and dogs. Only one ankle hurt a bit on the uneven sidewalk and the hilly parts of the walk but I pushed through it and it still feels okay.

I discovered some new shoes that may be life changing. I have the worst time with blisters and I think it's from my feet getting too hot. I've experimented with every sock on the planet with no luck but I always notice my feet are burning hot after a walk or even an elliptical workout. I've always been a New Balance girl but thought I'd try the new Adidas ClimaCool which are made to breathe more. So far they are amazing! If they keep working so well I may not have to duct tape my feet for the 3-Day!

Now I have to think of something for dinner that's both healthy and fun for a Friday night. We usually eat wings but we're both feeling so great from a healthy week we aren't going to ruin it. Maybe I will find something at Trader Joes that's inspiring.

I packed my gym bag for whatever tonight. I think I will go to the gym and do an hour of cardio instead of going to water aerobics. It's going to be 25 degrees here tonight so I'd much rather sweat. If I'm feeling motivated I'll put my suit on and stretch out in the therapy pool.

Saturday we will clean and grocery shop, Sunday we will take the dogs on a big walk in Stone Mountain. I also have to make my famous pumpkin gingerbread trifle for my husbands Thanksgiving lunch at work. I'm looking forward to some time away from the office this weekend and next week. The economy has my boss all stressed out and therefore I am too. Maybe that's why I'm craving exercise right now.

I hope everyone has a great weekend!

You know you have a problem when...

...the smell of the peanut butter dog biscuits make you want to take a bite. Don't worry, I didn't but my husband and I were laughing hysterically because we both thought they smelled good enough to eat.

In all seriousness I'm doing really well this week and I owe it all to exercise and cutting back slightly on what WW said I should be eating. I've been to the pool last night for my class which was really cold but felt really good. Finally my ankles are well enough to run in the water again pain free. The Wednesday night instructor is all about the core and she's so good at teaching you how to work every muscle with every exercise. One of my friends at the class has lost 30 pounds and she looks awesome.

I packed my gym bag today for something. Not sure what yet. I thought I might walk at lunch or rock out on the elliptical with my I-pod to avoid traffic after work or walk the dogs tonight. Or maybe even 2 of the 3 options.

I will probably be not blogging the rest of the week due to a trip to Chattanooga tomorrow for work and then avoiding the computer on the weekends. I have lots of exercise planned but it's going to be hard to avoid going to Sonic or something while I'm on the road. All I can say is my 5 point Chick-Fil-A lunch has saved my butt a million times. I hope everyone out there has a fantastic weekend and thanks for all your support and inspiration. It's really working!

Now it's time to eat some oatmeal!

Bye to the 260s

I freaked out when I saw you on the scale for first time and I never want to see you again.

Thank you all for the suggestions to get me out of the food rut. I LOVE the library idea. I tend to forget about the library. How sad is that? I also pulled out all my cookbooks I already have that I haven't looked at in years. I think I have on that's never been opened! Nothing like going shopping in your own house. I also started a subscription to Cooking Light and Eating Well. I get frustrated with Cooking Light though because you really have to look closely at their portion sizes. Anything can be qualified as "light" if you if you only eat 1oz!

I've been experimenting a little with eating this week and it seems to be working. I get so caught up in what is supposed to be the right way to lose weight but I think it really comes down to how your own body works. I think I do better with a couple hundred fewer calories than is recommended for my weight. I sometimes eat when I'm not even remotely hungry to get in all my calories for the day thinking that is going to make the scale budge but it doesn't. Weight Watchers says I should have 30 points (about 1500 calories) when 25 (about 1250 calories) is leaving me completely satisfied. Should I stuff my face to make it to the 30 points? I might need more on days I work out harder but my body will usually tell me that. Believe me I have no intention of ever going below 1200.

On a fashion note, for those of you who can't find plus-size jeans that fit right these might be your answer
These are the Lee Comfort Waist Jeans. They come in a huge variety of sizes and lengths (which is a 5 foot tall girls dream) and are the most comfortable jeans I have ever worn. They have a semi-stretchy waist band that's hidden on the inside which makes them not gap in the back etc. I got a pair for $27 with free shipping just by searching google for a coupon. They arrived in a few days. They even have cute stitching on the back pockets.

I'm going to the pool for my class tonight even though it's in the 20's here this morning. I will just keep reminding myself I can have a good stretch in the hot therapy pool after. Did I mention how hard it is to drag myself to the pool when it's dark and freezing??? Sorry I will probably mention it every Monday, Wednesday and Friday until the end of winter. : )

Helloooooo from the bottom of a rut

Winter has arrived in Atlanta early this year and I'm not happy about it.

I'm trying to figure out why I'm dreading winter so much this year. Is it because I want to sit on the couch and eat mac and cheese? Is it because none of my coats fit me? Is it because I can't even think about getting in the pool? Why did I choose now to try to get up at 5:30am?

I guess I just have a bad attitude again. My husband and I were discussing this on the way to work this morning. We're both unhappy with ourselves physically and it's taking its toll on our happiness as a couple. Luckily we have each other for support. The older we get the harder it gets to even lose 10lbs. Right now I feel we're just going through the motions working eating and sleeping. Living every week just for the weekend ahead. Then the weekends involve nothing but getting ready for the week ahead.

I need to start taking control of both our diets again. Because I'm the meal planner and the grocery shopper it's my responsibility (note: my husband does more than his share) We may think we're eating healthy but our portions are out of control and once again processed foods have become a staple. We haven't had a vegetable for dinner in while either. I'm usually more than organized for a trip to the store but lately I've been forgetting things. My meal planning has been less than halfhearted.

So what's the plan then? I have to have a plan and not just complain. I know if someone gave me $10,000 right now to remodel my kitchen that would help. My cabinets are falling of the walls which is less than inspiring. Since that is not going to happen I just have to get more creative in my meal planning INCLUDING the weekend meals. I find myself not eating a bit all day on the weekend then gorging on dinner and snacks. I can't tell you how much money I spend on healthy food that goes bad because we ordered pizza on a Tuesday night and never got back on track.

I spent all day Sunday cleaning my office at home and digging out all the stacks of recipes to be filed. Now that I have them all uncovered I can organize them properly. I found a little tabbed folder I'm going to use for the week that has 7 slots to put all the needed recipes for the week so I have them all in one place, stuck to the fridge. I've also designed a lovely shopping list that has everything we buy every trip already printed on it so I won't forget staples like cottage cheese.

Now, to stop writing about it and doing something about it. Off to search some recipes!

Inspiration

Have y'all seen Ruby yet? I finally caught the first episode and have the new one saved to watch sometime this week. This woman totally won me over in the first 10 minutes. She was all could think about all night. She was in my dreams and she was the first thing I thought about when I woke up. Eww, I sound like a stalker but it's not like that I swear!

I think what struck me about her is she's just so normal. She's sweet, funny, and has an amazing support system of friends and family who love her just as she is but know that she has to lose weight or she won't be alive much longer. She wants to lose the weight not just for looks but to able to do the things she wants to do. I guess I could say she's like me.

Thanks to Ruby I'm inspired to have a good week ahead. I even cooked all day yesterday to make it easier. I made a delicious pot roast with vegetables in the crock pot which we will have leftover of tonight, pasta sauce with ground turkey, egg salad for lunch, packaged up cottage cheese and peaches etc.

I find that once all these things are done I have less of excuse to skip my water aerobics class. It's going to be a very cold week here which is already going to make it difficult to go but I need to remember sweet Ruby who got in the pool despite being so large she had to wear a dress in the water. She just laughed about it being pinned together between her legs like a baby onesie. Bless her heart and may we all share her strength to become the active, healthy people we are on the inside.

Flat Friday

It's really been a rather blah week. I haven't been doing well with my eating but I haven't been terrible either. I think it's that I'm staying in my points range but not eating really healthy. I just haven't been inspired in the kitchen at all. I have a weekends worth of Cooking Light and Eating Well to get through so hopefully I will be inspired some. It's going to be difficult because we're on a budget this week since the Amex bill came for my husbands emergency plane ticket to Scotland. Oh well at least that's done and paid and it's not like it was in college where I had to take out the back seat of my car to look for change!

I was inspired by Kath over at Kath Eats Real Food to start getting up early. Check it out. She's got some really great tips on ways to make it easier. I feel like such a lazy ass when my husband gets up before dawn to walk the dogs and I sleep an extra 40 minutes. I don't know how I can even sleep with all the guilt.

That being said, I'm looking in to joining a 2nd gym for the weekends AND for Bodypump classes. We pay for the gym at my husbands work but it's only $35 a month for the both of us. I would still use the hospital gym for my water aerobics class. There's a beautiful Y around the corner from our house but it doesn't have Bodypump. There's another one close by that has it but it's a bit of a drive. There's a local gym close by that has it but it's a pretty basic gym for the same price as the Y. The Y even has wellness coaches now that are free. Bodypump is one of the things that I KNOW I did when I lost 100lbs before. To me it's the perfect way to lift weights. Not boring, visible results and cardio too. Lets hope I can afford it and find one that works.

Could I really go to a 6am Bodypump class? That Girl would totally go.

exercising the willpower muscle

I think I've mentioned before that I've been asking my friends questions about what I did when I lost 100 pounds before. For some reason I have no memory of what I ate (did I eat anything really?) or what I did. I just know that one day I woke up in a size 10.

One of the recurring themes of my answers from my friends is willpower. They say they've never known anyone with more willpower than me during that time. My sister reminded me we would go out after clubs to Waffle House and while everyone had piles of greasy food, I had dry toast. I don't remember ever feeling deprived either. It's just what I had to do...like going to work.

These days I feel like I have none of that left. It's like a muscle I haven't used in a while. It hurts to use it at first but maybe if i exercise it more it will become part of my everyday motions. I practiced this last night and after a bit of struggle it worked. I had one sensible and planned snack and a glass of milk after dinner and that's where it ended. I went to bed very proud of myself for exercising control over my food all day and I woke up a pound lighter.

I'm going to quit being a big fat baby and get this willpower muscle back into shape!

A relaxing weekend

Well it was relaxing for dogs anyway! I was so excited to see them laying together for the first time. Lucy (the black and white one) is just over 1 and Sophie is 6. We've had Lucy for a year now and I think they are really best friends now.

I FINALLY feel normal again. My pain in my ankles has just about disappeared. I've been really concentrating on walking normally and I think we're finally there. I was starting to get really depressed about it but happy to have woken up today feeling really good. I'm sure that my weight hasn't helped in the healing process at all but at least I feel like I can get stuff done now.

I got tons of chores done including a good healthy trip to the store for the week. I have all our meals planned and am excited to be back at the gym this week since I'm feeling so much better. It's going to be hard going to the pool in this cold weather but once I'm in it I'm fine.

Here's to a good week of points counting, gym going and feeling better!

Still the same but different

I woke up this morning thinking it was all a dream. Probably because I went to bed in a food/champagne coma. I can't believe I used election day as an excuse to eat and drink like a crazy person but it's over now and today is a new day. A really great new day.

I cried for an hour last night after John Stewart told me the news. I think I cried mostly because I couldn't believe the amount of pride I felt for the first time in my adult life. I felt like even though my state was red, stayed red, and probably will always be red, that my voice was heard. At least my county was blue. Watching the coverage from Ebeneezer Baptist church (which is not far from my house) made me want to run down there and join in. Some of the people there nearly gave their lives for this day and were celebrating the memories of those who did make the ultimate sacrifice.

I'm not expecting miracles. There's a really long road ahead but I feel like we proved everyone else in the world wrong. America has evolved. We are not racist rednecks but an incredible country full of all different kinds of people who can work together when things get bad.

I'm so proud of America for standing up, coming out to vote and taking our country back. It's proof that we matter.

A day for CHANGE

I can't believe how ridiculously excited I am for this election today. I've never cared about politics before but I can attribute my interest to various things like getting older, owning a house, planning for retirement etc. All these reasons aside, I think Obama is the most exciting thing to happen to American politics in a very long time. This country is long overdue for someone like him.

The neighborhood where I live has an apartment community that used to be the 3rd worst housing project in the country. The average age of the grandmother was 33. The entire community was turned around by the East Lake Foundation which was funded by one man's wealth. It was an incredible transformation and our golf club now hosts the final leg of the PGA tour every year. The best is that the people who lived there were allowed to come back after it was rebuilt. Soon after a nice supermarket was built and restaurants and bars started opening in abandoned buildings. We continue to see the transformation which is nice but the soul of the neighborhood is still there. The good part that is. The drugs and crime are still there but slowly disappearing.

I feel like it is a privelage to live in this neighborhood. Our street is a mix of all kinds. Generations of African Americans who have lived in the same houses since they were built in the 40s mixed with the white middle class who love living in a part of the city that feels like a small town.

Part of me wants Obama to win not only because of my political views, but for the generations of African Americans who have fought through slavery and discrimination to see this become a reality. I hope that day is today.

If today is that day, I will be parading up and down the street with free drinks for everyone : )

P.S. even if you don't agree with my views, please vote today!!

Goals - fit for 40

I've never been one for setting goals for myself but I feel like the older I get the more they really work for me. I've been trying to get through the things I don't like to do by making myself focus on one thing a week. Then I don't get overwhelmed at the idea of a weeks worth of things I hate like dealing with finances and general boring grownup life stuff.

Keeping up with this blog has helped me so much with my attitude. I feel like I can really do this again so I've set some goals that may be big, but I've done it all before and I can do it all again.

My 40th birthday is a little over a year away. I'm not worried about turning 40 but it's a milestone nonetheless. It also marks the age (for me personally) where there's no turning back as far as having kids are concerned but that's an issue for another day.

I've been thinking a lot about where I want to be when this birthday comes and it certainly doesn't involve being fat. For some reason I feel like if I'm still fat at 40 then I always will be. Certainly people over 40 lose weight all the time but it's gotten so much harder for me now than when I was young that I can't let it get any worse.

My goal is to lose 100lbs by August 7th. That's just a little bit over 2lbs. a week. The reason for this date is I've decided I have to walk the 3-Day again (before the birthday) and this year will be doing it in Chicago. I can just imagine crossing the finish line in my favorite city 100 pounds lighter. One of my friends that lives there works for Oprah so you never know...I might even get to meet her and tell her my story : )

I realize this is a huge undertaking and while I may not reach my numbers goal, I think it's a good one. Like I said I've done it all before and I can do it all again.

Meanwhile, my goal for the week is to drink my water, track my food and go back to my water aerobics class. So far so good!

Look out swimmers, this fat girl is diving back in.

Happy Halloween!

Well it was almost impossible to get these guys to sit still for some pictures but I did the best I could. All pictures of them are blurry because they are always on the move! Still, they look adorable and the neighborhood dogs all have matching bandannas as well.

I have such a doughnut craving today. Luckily I have none! I haven't even eaten all the Halloween candy this year. I usually end up having to buy more at the last minute because I ate it all. For some reason I'm just not that in to it this year. I also tried to buy stuff I didn't like that much but seriously, there's not much out there I don't like. I think I'm really starting to see some changes in myself as far as my attitude towards food. I don't have to eat it all just because. What a concept!

Hope everyone has a happy and safe halloween. I will be voting in hopes that everyone will be out with their kids and not in my line : )

She's crafty

I did something very that girl last night and I'm really proud of myself. I made Halloween bandannas for my dogs, neighborhood pals, and the dogs (and one rabbit) of my co-workers. I can't wait to put them on them tonight and take a picture. I'll make sure to post it tomorrow if I can get them to sit still. They've been nuts since their daddy arrived home.

Of course since I've been feeling better I overdid it on the ankles and am hurting a bit this afternoon. It's only because I went shopping at lunch so it's not like I can use exercise as an excuse. It's amazing how long sprains take to heal. I'm totally over it.

Not much going on today other than looking forward to my "stories" on NBC tonight. I love calling them that since that's what my grandmother called her soaps. I missed 30 Rock!

gosh, boring day = boring post. Dog pictures tomorrow will be much more exciting!

I can wiggle my toes again!

and I can even make a full circle with both ankles!

I've been working through the pain to try to get some movement back in my ankles after 2 and a half weeks of limping around. Today I finally feel so much better! I'm glad it coincided with my husband coming home. I felt so good last night that I managed to make 3 varieties of muffin for my husband to take to work to thank them all for how kind they've been to him through this. We got $400 from the hospital to help with his travel expenses from a sharing fund they all contribute to. I was so overwhelmed with all the generosity and every little bit helps when you're faced with that sudden expense. I tried a half of a chocolate chip muffin and let the other go un-tested : )

It's freezing here in the ATL. My husband said it's colder here than in Scotland. I feel sorry for the little kids going out trick-or-treating on Friday. I hope it's a little warmer by then. Trick-or-treating is interesting in the "hood". We get lots of adorable kids early on then some thug teenagers with no costumes later on in the evening so we usually turn the light out early. I never worry about them much because they really don't like dogs and tend to stay away from any house that has them.

I will be casting my vote proudly for Obama on Friday night. It's the last day of advanced voting and I figure it will be less crowded that night since everyone who has kids will be busy. I'm looking forward to getting that done so next Tuesday I can sit in front of the TV and watch it all unfold. I have never in my life been so passionate about my choice for president which makes this year very exciting.

Anyway, it feels so much better to feel better. I wish it was Friday! I'm looking forward to a weekend of catching up on quality time with my husband and dogs. I think I'll even be able to start walking again for exercise. I can't believe how much I miss it. That is a good thing!

Back to normal - hopefully!

Finally my husband is coming home today! He made his flights so far and I should be picking him up shortly after 8:30 tonight. I was hoping to go in and wait for him but I'm still working on healing these ankles so it will probably be a curbside pickup.

I was all excited because I took his huge pile of shirts to be ironed to the cleaners to have them pressed (I'm a great wife but I don't iron) and then I realized what a dork I was to be excited about surprising my husband with a weeks worth of already ironed shirts. I guess I'm trying to do everything I can to help with his transition back to normal life. I'm sure he will be missing his dad and worrying about his mom on her own but I'm going to do everything I can to help him through it all.

We both realized that we are still useless when we're apart even after 4 years of marriage. Since we commuted between Scotland and Atlanta for over a year we spent a lot of time apart and it's just as hard now as it was then, if not more so! Sometimes I'm amazed at how much he loves me. I've always loved people but never had so much in return.

Back to normal also means back to the gym, meal planning and points counting. I'll have to wait for the weekend to do a big shop and I'm just praying my ankles are better next week. Time to get back on track.

I still want to lose 100 pounds by 40 which is in 13 months. I feel like this blog is really helping with my attitude towards weight loss. My extra motivation is that I HAVE to do the 3-Day next year. I missed being involved so much this year. How awesome would it be to not lug around an extra 100 lbs. for 60 miles!

Spending time in my own head - its dark and full of cobwebs in here

Aside from the emotional eating, my time alone at home the past few days has been pretty good for me. Being alone forces me back in my own head. I used to spend a lot of time there when I was single but now that I have a husband, 2 dogs and a full time job with a nasty commute, I haven't been in there much. Even though it's dark and scary sometimes I've learned not to be afraid of it.

I was one of the lucky ones who knew who I was and what I wanted to be from a very early age. I knew I wanted to be an artist and I've never been shy or quiet. In fact the jokes at our wedding centered around the fact that neither of us ever really shut up. Sometimes I wonder if i've used humor to compensate for being overweight most of my life but that doesn't really matter to me because I love who I am as a person. So here comes the but... (giant lard butt in fact) ...this enormously padded body I'm in isn't me at all. I can feel me in there somewhere and right now "me" can barely get up the stairs. Unacceptable.

I feel like I have everything in the world I could want but I still find myself longing to be someone else on the outside. I see people out in the world and think "I want to be that girl". That's SO not me. I love myself. I have everything I could want. What's the problem then? I've become self-concious. Once again, unacceptable.

I thought I would start by defining to who "that girl" is.

That Girl (cue 60's TV show theme tune)
• runs outdoors in the rain, heat, snow, ice, dark etc.
• loves vegetables and has the energy to grow her own
• plans and cooks delicious healthy recipes all the time
• is up before dawn
• goes hiking/walking on the weekend
• does HGTV projects instead of watching HGTV projects while smoking cigarettes
• rewards herself with mani/pedis instead of food
• wears cute knee boots and skirts
• walks the 3-Day every year without thinking she's going to die on day 1
• never sets foot in a drive-thru
• wears workout clothes because she was at the gym and not because nothing else fits

That list will probably grow but I thought I'd get it down here so I could reference it often.

I'm a big believer in the power of postive thought and it is now my mission to BE "that girl". It sounds so much more fun and rewarding that "going on a diet". Besides I think that it's the healthy lifestyle I crave more so than the body that comes with it. Now if I can just remember I crave that and not halloween candy we'll be all set.

on my own

Well my husband is off to Scotland and I'm a single girl for 5 days. I'm off work tomorrow YAY!! and I plan to enjoy every minute in the house with my dogs and finally get some really good rest for my ankles which are still really bothering me.

This is the first year in many that I'm not involved in the Breast Cancer 3-Day in Atlanta and it's taking place this weekend. Luckily I decided not to participate this year because between the ankles and the fact my husband is gone, I wouldn't be able to do it. Today I had to go up to where the opening ceremonies will be held to drop off a banner I had from last year and it just made my stomach do flip-flops. Just seeing that starting point again of a really, really long journey. My thoughts are with all the walkers, crew and staff this weekend as the weather is supposed to be miserable and cold. Just like it's been every year. I can't remember a time where we woke up and didn't have ice on our tents. I wish they'd push it back a few weeks but then it might be too hot. I will be walking next year come hell or high water!

This weather has gotten me wanting to eat everything in sight. I'm going to stop at Trader Joe's tonight and stock up on healthier options of my favorite things and things my husband doesn't like! Monday I will be back at the gym which is another great reason to rest as much as I can this weekend. Hopefully that will get me back on track. I haven't gained any but haven't lost either which isn't bad for no exercise and an overdose of white bread to keep my medication down.

Hope everyone out there is doing well. I'm feeling quite a bit better. I hope that's it for the bad news for a while!

My bubble

First of all let me thank you all for your kind words. It's hard to believe anyone even cares about my blog! I started out just doing this to just be accountable to myself but now I've found tons of inspiration from people just like me.

Before I met my husband I had a live in boyfriend who was a cop. Now it's not like me to ever want to date a cop and he wasn't a cop when we met but in order to fulfill his dream of working for the FBI or other government agencies he had to be a beat cop first. He was very "broken" for many reasons and was honestly one of the least happy people on the planet. I'm the exact opposite. I always look on the bright side of everything. My glass is always half full...well half full of Pinot Noir anyway ; )

On our last vacation to Florida I wanted to go see the sunset one evening. He was bitching the whole walk down to the beach about why I wanted to see the sunset when it was cloudy out. I explained that the best sunsets occur when the clouds break just before the sun sinks into the Gulf of Mexico. He grumbled some more and I said "why do you always burst my bubble?" his reply "why do you always have to have a bubble?" That was pretty much where it ended.

After that was over and I met my husband I told him the story and one day he gave me a card that simply said "your bubble is safe with me".

The reason I was reminded of all of this today is because I've been filling my husband with all sorts of positive thoughts of his dad in order to help him through his pain. I lost my father suddenly in 1990 and the feelings are still very fresh in my mind. I know what helped and what was annoying. I had to make sure this morning that my bubble was not starting to annoy him. His response was that it was what he still loved most about me. I hope I can help him get through this.

He's doing much better today and is going into work this morning to help train a temp to take over for him while he goes to Scotland. I take him to the airport tomorrow morning and he won't be back until Tuesday. It's going to be the first time I've been alone overnight in our house but I have my dogs who will take great care of me. I am going to do all sorts of things like organize my recipes, do a mud mask, and finally watch the Sex and the City movie. I'm wild and crazy in my old age : )

When it rains it pours

I think this is going to be one of those months that I wish never happened.

My father-in-law passed away last night and my poor sweet husband is so broken up. I felt like there was absolutely nothing I could do. It's such a helpless feeling because I knew he must have felt a million miles from home. I drank a bottle of Pinot Noir with my sister while he drank some Scotch with my brother-in-law. I think that helped us both. I did manage to get him a flight to Scotland to be there for the funeral. Almost $2,000. Barf.

He was an amazing man and had a great 81 years. He was in the Royal Air Force and then worked as a coal miner and an electrician. He golfed almost every single day. I'm sure the entire town will turn out for his funeral because everybody knew him. I was lucky enough to get to spend a good bit of time with him even though he was 5,000 miles away.

So now I'm not going to be going to my reunion this weekend. As much as I wanted to go, I feel like I should stay home and take care of the dogs and the house to help him feel better about being away. Plus, who am I kidding....I don't have a dime left! I swear between this and the sprained ankles, something in the universe was trying to keep me from going. Who knows. My sister said it's probably because I would have been disappointed once I realized I still hated all of those people just like I did in high school : ) I went to a very wealthy Catholic school and while we weren't poor, I wasn't spoiled like everyone else driving Porsches and whatnot. Plus I was fat and wore Doc Maartens and fishnets with my uniform. They thought I worshiped the devil.

I'm crossing my fingers nothing else happens this month. Makes you appreciate a boring day.

Frustrated!

I thought I would be feeling a million times better by now. I hardly did anything this weekend and I'm still hurting quite a bit. I guess I'm just being impatient but there's so much I need to get done before I leave on Friday.

It's cold here this morning and I haven't had the energy to get out my winter clothes so I'm wearing capris, flip flops and a big fleece jacket. I look and feel like a mess. I can't even think about wearing shoes yet.

I tried to do some shopping on Sunday morning and just wasn't in to it at all. I need some new jewelry and a new purse for the party on Saturday night but I might have to make do with what I have since getting around is still a problem. At this point I almost don't care what I look like.

Obviously I haven't been exercising and have been indulging in all kinds of things I shouldn't have but my pain meds made me ill and nothing would make me feel better but white bread and ginger ale. I'm frustrated that I was doing so well and now I can't do anything at all. I'm hoping that if I feel okay Wednesday night I'll go to the therapy pool and do some exercises during my normal water aerobics time.

Enough whining now back to work : )

Getting back on my feet

Thanks so much to everyone for the sweet comments and well wishes. It's amazing how much support I get from strangers but my own damn sister can't even call to check on me! I think my husband is getting a little tired of waiting on me and taking care of everything around the house. Not that he would EVER complain! I'm going to have to do something really sweet for him after all of this!

I'm getting better slowly but I'm in a lot of pain today after over-doing it yesterday. I was actually jealous of people I saw exercising on my way home yesterday! I'm ready to go back to the gym and hoping that can happen on Monday. Worst case I suppose I could go to the therapy pool and try to do some of my water aerobics exercises on my own. I'm just not the sit around and do nothing type. I'm just like my parents.

The good news is I got a fabulous haircut and highlights last night so I'm one step closer to being ready for the reunion next weekend. I'm so excited to see my girlfriends I haven't seen in 20 years. I don't care that I'm fat, just happy to be going.

I decided since I shouldn't be on my feet much this weekend that I would make little halloween dog bandannas for the Boston Terrier rescue that meets in my neighborhood once a month. I'm also making them for all our neighborhood dog friends. They are having an event this weekend and I'm sure they would appreciate it. A friend of mine is offering photo sessions for donations so I will have a picture taken of my dogs. Even though they are mutts and not Bostons, we support all dog rescues : ) I will post a picture next week.

I hope everyone has a great weekend. Thanks again for all your thoughts and well wishes!

Derailment!

Whew, things have been a little crazy around here. On Monday I managed to trip over a loose piece of flagstone on our front steps at work and the next thing I knew I was on the ground with 2 sprained ankles. I guess I'm feeling pretty lucky nothing was broken but this has really thrown me for a loop. I'm back at work today which is a bit of a challenge but at least I'm mobile. I was starting to get a bit depressed not being able to do anything. I'm off the pain meds now which I think were contributing to the depression.

The ER docs said no exercise for at least a week which is a bummer since I was just getting back in the groove.

So here I sit with 2 extremely swollen ankles and hoping to fit in my cute shoes by the reunion next week! I haven't been eating great but managed to lose a pound during all of this. Hopefully on Monday I can go back to my water aerobics class and carefully get back in the swing of things.

Sure makes you appreciate mobility!!

Monday Motivation

Well I weighed in this morning after a really good week and was disappointed to be up a pound. I worked my butt off! It's my TOM so I'm going to blame it on that and move on. Next Monday will hopefully show a loss.

Successes from last week include:
1. 90 minutes of exercise on Friday night after never having stepped foot in a gym on a Friday night. (People actually exercise on Friday night instead of going to happy hour!)
2. Choosing a cereal bar and water as opposed to stopping at McDonalds on our way out of town.
3. Drinking more water than ever.
4. Not buying a single item of junk food at the grocery store.
5. Planning every meal and staying within my points.

I'm planning an even better week this week since there will be no anniversary dinner or trip to moms to throw me off. These WW activity points are great motivation to exercise plus, after 2 weeks back at the gym I feel a million times better. To me that's worth it even if I don't lose a pound.

I now love the water aerobics class on Fridays at the gym and that will be a part of my regular routine. The instructor was one I've never had before and she kicked my ass! She has you think about the muscles you are working for each exercise and while it sounds silly, concentrating on them while working them makes you really work harder. I was sore in all the good spots so I know I got a good workout. Not only did I do an hour of the class, I did 30 minutes on the elliptical as well. I was so proud!

I've joined the Biggest Loser Challenge over at Lauren's blog. I'll be updating here every Monday as well as on her blog. I would love to do well in this before the holidays are here. It has always been a downward spiral from Halloween to New Years for us sugar addicts.

I hope everyone out there has a great week and thanks to y'all once again for the support, inspiration, and motivation!

Happy Friday!

Wow this has been a long week but I'm pretty impressed with myself for staying on track. My gym bag is packed and I will be doing one hour of cardio/abs tonight then going to my water aerobics class for another hour. This will be the first time I've ever set foot in a gym on a Friday night but hopefully it will help make my weekends more successful. If I keep up this exercise I can afford my splurges.

Speaking of splurges, last nights dinner was incredible. We went to Kevin Rathbun's Steak (the Rathbun brothers recently won Iron Chef America) and I think it was the best meal I've had in this city and I've been here 15 years. I had a roasted beet salad with creamy goat cheese, followed by scallops florentine and half of an amazing chocolate mousse cake. My husband had the best steak I've ever put in my mouth. We got to meet Kevin Rathbun who came to our table. When he asked what we thought of the food I told him I could taste the love that went in it. He's a very large man and wrapped his arms around his belly said "i've got a lot of love to give". LOL

Aside from the bread, wine and dessert, I did pretty well and thoroughly enjoyed myself.

Tomorrow we are going to the mountains in NC for a visit with my mom. We'll spend the night and come back on Sunday. The dogs love it up there because they can run free as much as they want. It's also a great place for all of us to go for a walk together.

Have a great weekend everyone! I don't post on the weekends because I'm chained to this computer all day during the week and don't like to look at it on the weekend :)

Counting my blessings

While it seems the world is falling apart, I am counting my blessings this morning. I've been married to my awesome husband for 4 years today and I could not be happier. He is the funniest, sweetest, most supportive man on the planet and he's my best friend. He loves me if I'm skinny, fat, sad or happy...no matter what. He truly treats me like a queen and I'm the luckiest girl on earth. British men don't mind women with a little meat on their bones either which is handy ; )

Tonight we are going out for dinner and I won't be thinking too much about my calorie count but I'm going to have a perfect day up until then. I won't go overboard and make myself sick but I plan on eating some delicious food. We're going to a restaurant I've never been to but the chefs/owners won Iron Chef America recently and that won me over. I can't wait to try it. I'm thinking I'll have snacks most of the day and avoid a big lunch.

Yesterday was a good day although the pool was closed and I got no exercise at all. I had a rotisserie chicken salad for dinner although I had 2 small rolls like an idiot. I still managed to stay in my points and the bread felt good in my stomach which was slightly upset. Normally when I pick up dinner from the rotisserie place I would have mac and cheese, corn and chicken but I need to remind myself I enjoy the salad just as much.

I'm feeling pretty good and won't weigh until Monday. The goal is a 2 pound loss for the week. If I can manage that with still eating some of my favorite foods then I've done well.

Thanks again to all of you who read my blog. I really feel like the support I've found here is making a difference for me! Y'all rock!

Are these shoes the shoes for my high school reunion?

Lets hope so because I ordered them to wear with my black and white polka dot dress. Low enough heel where I won't be dying on my feet all night. I think they are cute enough.

UGH!

I ate chicken wings last night. I'm not even going to make any excuses other than it was debate night. Not that that is any sort of excuse whatsoever! Yes I will count the points.

I'm going to focus on the success I had yesterday instead as I sit here and eat my delicous oatmeal at my desk on a rainy morning. I was bored with my chicken chili yesterday so I didn't eat anything before I went out for lunch to do some shopping. As usual I was passing a million fast food places and wanting everything in sight. For some reason I love to eat in my car (we'll analyze that at another time). I almost caved and got a burger but I really thought about what I used to do when I lost 100lbs. and the answer was right in front of me. Hooray for Chick-Fil-A. I had a grilled chicken sandwich (which they now have on a whole grain roll) and a diet lemonade. Only 5 points. I was proud of my decision and it kept me full all afternoon.

As if that weren't enough, I walked the dogs with my husband. For a good 30 minutes. Normally I would make some sort of an excuse and he would take them. Not only did we get a good workout but we had a great time together. The cool weather makes it so much easier for me to want to be outside.

Tonight is my class again. Hopefully there will be no thunder otherwise the pool will be closed. I usually bring additional workout gear in case that happens because I can just picture myself saying "oh well pool's closed. No workout for me!" I don't have that stuff today so fingers crossed!

I'm still feeling motivated - and a little sassy today!

Exercise = happiness

I finally feel like I had a successful day yesterday!

I ate great all day yesterday and wasn't even tempted by a mini Twix that is still laying on my desk. I stayed within my points and even had 2 pieces of garlic bread with the delicious Jambalaya my husband made.

I talked myself in to going back to my water aerobics class after 5 weeks of being absent and it was so awesome. My 2 friends I have made in the class were so happy to see me which made it even more rewarding. I worked my butt off and had to get up in the middle of the night to take some Advil because my arms were BURNING. I feel great today though. Not too sore. The best thing about water aerobics is that even fat girls can feel like ballerinas. You can do moves in the water you'd never be able to do on land! It's such a free feeling that I really enjoy. It was a little cooler last night and dark when I left class which makes being wet not nearly as enjoyable as it was during the Hotlanta summer but I'll just have to adjust my post-swim wardrobe.

My plan is to go back Wednesday and adding in Fridays and Saturdays as well. One of my friends at the pool easily outweighs me by 50lbs but is there for every single class and has motivated me to come those additional days. Fridays I get out of work a little early which leaves time before class to add to my cardio minutes. I used to work out every day but Fridays but that's when I had social things on a Friday night. Now I just plop in front of the TV a half an hour earlier than normal and not take advantage of that little bit of extra time. Or worse, I stop at the store to load up on junk food for the weekend.

Note to self: remember how good you feel today next time you try to talk yourself out of exercising!!!

The good, the bad, and the ugly.

I had a great weekend overall. I ate too much but what's new! I love spending time with my husband and my dogs on the weekend but it seems like the time goes by way too fast.

I had a few successes this weekend and a few seriously unsuccessful events. The house is clean as a whistle, laundry done and I prepared tons of food for the week including my favorite white chicken chili. While I was cleaning and doing all my chores, I made a conscious effort to not avoid trips up and down the stairs and it worked. My butt was killing me on Sunday so I got a great workout. Instead of piling things up to take upstairs to the bedroom or downstairs to the basement, I took several trips. I'm going to use my new pedometer next weekend to see just how much that adds up!

Sunday morning I was feeling pretty good about myself until I got out of the shower and started digging through my closet to figure out if I had anything to wear to the reunion. I pulled out some of my super cute skirts thinking that maybe if I wore tight enough undergarments (God bless Spanx) that they would work. Now lets just say it's a good thing that I have a sense of humor because I laughed out loud at the fact that they wouldn't even go up above my knees. ONE OF THEM IS A MEDIUM PEOPLE...A MEDIUM! I used to wear a MEDIUM! It was probably even from the junior department. Even if I would have had 2 of them to stitch together it would have been too small. It doesn't seem that long ago that I could wear those. It was when I first met my husband. I've gotten that much bigger in the time I've been with him. I'm surprised he hasn't moved back!

Luckily I have a dress to wear that's "passable" and I'll find some super cute shoes. BLERG!

Part of my attitude adjustment is moving on after events like these and using them as more motivation instead of an excuse to eat more because I'm already huge anyway. I've been trying to think hard about what my life used to be like when I lost those hundred pounds and wore a medium and the answers are pretty simple. I was single and never really ate a meal and I was at the gym or on the treadmill at home all the time. Even on the weekends. To be sure I polled some friends who have known me a long time and their answer was "you were always at the gym". So, while I don't ever want to be single again, I do want to be back in that "exercise above all" mode because it allows me to be able to be more flexible with my eating and not obsessed with everything that goes in my mouth.

That said, my gym bag is packed and I'll be going to water aerobics after work. I will exercise every single day this week. I will not get rid of those skirts because I will fit into them again.

Autumn and Oatmeal

What a gorgeous morning here in the ATL. I get so energized by fall even though I'm feeling totally bloated these days. I'm sure i'd feel great if I wasn't lugging around an extra person on my body.

I forget how much I like oatmeal. I tend to only eat it in the cold weather but I'm sitting here wondering why I don't eat it every morning. I feel so full and so satisfied. Lately I've been lazy and having a Fiber 1 bar for breakfast and that just seems to make me hungrier immediately. I don't know why I don't just admit I can't have things like that even though they are "healthy". They make me crave everything in sight. It's all about the sugar with me and I need to stay away from it in any form.

Today is 21 days until my high school reunion and I vow to exercise every single day until then. Even if it's just a walk. Hopefully that will make feel less jiggly and bloated even if I can't lose 100 pounds in 21 days : ) I will log my exercise minutes here.

Also, a big shout out and thank you to my blog land pals who are so sweet and supportive even though they don't even know me. It means so much to me to know that I'm not alone in this.

I promised myself I wouldn't freak out

and I'm freaking out. About my class reunion coming up in 3 weeks!

I've never in my life considered driving instead of flying because I'm uncomfortable in the seats of a plane but I'm at that point. How can I possibly feel good about myself at the reunion when that is something to even have to consider? I remember when I lost 100 pounds how great it felt to feel tiny on the plane and not have to worry about it. I can't believe I let this happen again...and I'm bigger than ever.

I normally have a ton of confidence and a great self esteem because I consider myself an awesome person but this weight is eating away at it. More than I thought. What the hell am I even going to wear??

I was also scanning the pictures of the 10 year reunion which I did not attend and hoping that I won't be the fattest person there. Once again, normally something I don't care about.

I have to get back into attitude adjustment mode again and just exercise as much as I can until that point. Even if I don't lose a pound at least I will feel good.

UGH! (or BLERG as Tina Fey would say!)

Oh and Happy New Year to my Jewish friends.

craziness!

I can't believe I haven't posted to my blog in a week. The older I get the faster the time goes. I've been just shoving my face full of crap again all weekend and feeling horrible for it. I didn't start out any better this week since I've already had a milkshake and an egg McMuffin. All brought in to the office of course and I just can't manage to say no. WTF is wrong with me?

I'm really down today. It feels like there is so much doom and gloom right now with the economy and our lovely little southeast gas crisis. Did I not have enough to worry about already?? : ) I'm going to have to set my alarm for 4am or so and venture out to try to find some gas. I have about a days worth left. The lines up here in the burbs are hours long and I'm hoping it will be easier in "the hood". SO I'm skipping my water aerobics class to go sit in line for gas.

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day!

Fat and Happy?

257 -again. I ate chinese food last night and I'm hoping most of that is sodium.

I'm having trouble finding the balance between enjoying my life and worrying about my weight.

I was talking to my husband this morning about how I feel like both of us constantly worrying about it has taken some of the joy out of our lives. We are generally very happy people and an even happier couple. We never fight and we do everything together. Since we got married and have put on weight it's like we have this black cloud hanging over us every Monday morning as we face the scale after the weekend.

While I'm fully aware that "food is fuel, not fun" we are social people and our weekends revolve around food and drink. We are learning to eat really healthy all week and then enjoy things in moderation during the weekend. It's just so freaking hard.

Okay enough complaining. Under the laws of my new attitude, we must quit whining and solve the problem. We are going to find fun things to do together that don't revolve around food and drink. This Saturday, I will pack a healthy picnic lunch and we will take the dogs to walk the trail at Stone Mountain now that we have our yearly parking pass. Hopefully we can make a habit of doing things like this especially while the weather is gorgeous.

I did manage to get groceries and plan meals for the week. My gym bag is packed for my water aerobics class tonight. Here's to a good week!

Day 5- finally it's Friday!

253.8 today! I've started adding a little fruit back in to my day and right now I'm munching one of the greatest, newest things at Trader Joes - sliced granny smith apples with all natural peanut butter in a little pack together. They also have red apples with a little container of low-fat vanilla yogurt. I heart Trader Joes!

The weekend is always a challenge for us. We are out of our routine and we like to be social and drink beer and much while watching movies etc. The plan is to eat in moderation but really kick up the exercise on the weekend especially with the beautiful weather we're having right now. We can walk and hike with the dogs and have a blast while still getting our exercise in. I would be happy to just get through the weekends maintaining the loss from the week.

I feel like my attitude adjustment is really working!

Have a good weekend everyone in blog land!

Day 4-is it Friday yet?

255 today. That's probably the end of the quick part of the weight loss but I'm happy to be back down some.

I was not so good last night and had 2 slices of pizza and 3 beers but still down a pound so I'm not going to worry to much. That is probably the biggest part of my attitude adjustment. If I have something like that I need to move on and not say to myself "it ruined the whole week so I'll start over on Monday." I'm not going to do that anymore, ever. 1400 extra calories in one day sure beats another 3 days of what would probably be even more than that.

It's going to be a tough day at work on no sleep. We went to a concert last night and got home at 1am. We're usually in bed by 10 at the latest so it will be a challenge. I see a Starbucks Skinny Vanilla Latte in my future! Normally I would go home and crash tonight but I have to put up signs for the yard sale this weekend that we're having along with some of our neighbors.

Gosh what a boring post. I think it's just that kind of day.

Day 3 - getting in the groove

256 today. I know this isn't going to last but I'm enjoying it! Also, I don't feel nearly as deprived as day 1. I'm actually full and satisfied. I do hate the bad taste in my mouth that only sugar could fix but that goes away. I need some gum.

Yesterday our meeting was canceled in Nashville so my boss made us go with him to Steak 'n Shake for lunch because we are getting ready to pitch their business. That was a nightmare. I wanted a burger and shake so bad!!! I watched him drink a huge chocolate banana one.

I love nutrition calculators. I went online before and calculated my whole meal first Then I came back and calculated what I WOULD have had before. Here's the difference

Before:
Double Steakburger with Cheese
Chocolate Shake
Cherry Coke
1434 calories, 42.5 grams of fat

Now:
Cup of Vegetable Beef Soup
Grilled Chicken Taco Salad (no tortilla bowl, corn chips or sour cream)
Unsweet Tea
324 calories and 11 grams of fat.

I saved 1,110 calories. Almost a days worth : ) That's what this attitude adjustment is all about. Good decisions. Yay me!

UPDATE: I've just gone on Spark People to see what I could weigh if lost 2lbs a week by my 40th birthday. 129. I'd settle for 140 ; ) That is my goal (which incidentally is 20 lbs more than my ideal weight at 5 foot nothing)

Attitude Adjustment - Day 2

257 today. Whew. I vow to never see 260 again. That is just way too much for my little body. I know that 3 pounds in one day is all water but whatever. I feel better.

I made it through the first day despite being in a horrible mood and feeling sorry for myself. I did great all day but didn't go to my class due to working late. I did manage to make a delicious pork tenderloin on the grill with a huge pile of asparagus and it was delicious. Even have half of it left over for my husbands dinner tonight since I'll be away in Nashville. This whole planning dinner thing works so well. I just have to keep it up.

Feels like fall here which is always motivating to get outside. The shorter days are tough but we're not making excuses anymore : )

Attitude Adjustment

Today I weigh more than I ever have in my life. 260 pounds. I did well again for a few weeks and then vacation and visitors threw me off in a big, bad way. I have my period so it's probably about 5lbs. more than I actually weigh but regardless we are starting there.

That's all I'm going to say about that because I've been working on an attitude adjustment this weekend and I already feel better for it. Reading blogs has helped me get to this place. As much as I feel for other people who struggle as much as I do, I find comfort in knowing I'm not the only one. I'm 5 feet tall and I can't carry this around anymore. I'm tired of having nothing to wear, and I'm tired of feeling tired.

Today my husband and I start 2 weeks on phase one of South Beach. As I've stated before it's the only way for us to get rid of cravings and rid ourselves of processed foods.

Attitude Adjustment Weekend consisted of cleaning our house top to bottom (which is no easy task) and including a massive cleaning of the fridge. I planned all our meals, went on a big trip to the grocery store, made a huge pot of chili, mini quiches with ham, cheese and eggbeaters, packaged up cottage cheese for every day etc. etc. We should want for nothing this week. I AM READY!

I ALMOST talked myself out of starting today because I'm traveling to Nashville for work tomorrow and staying overnight. Normally I would be excited to sit in my hotel room and eat candy or chocolate or potato chips (or all of those together) after having gone out for a great meal. I have to push through things like this because they are going to happen and I have to remember I can eat healthy on the road. Luckily my 90 pound co-worker eats nothing but veggies and fish so it's easy to stay on track. I told her I would like to go to J Alexanders for dinner and get a huge pile of vegetables and either fish or chicken. We'll also start the trip with a veggie burger salad from the World Peace Cafe. I've already got some snacks for the road (and my hotel room) ready to go. The hotel has a pool and a workout room so I will bring my stuff. Since we gain an hour on central time it's never as hard to get up early there.

I'm hoping to go to my water aerobics class tonight but I may have to work late while a friend comes by to do some network work for us. I feel like I really need to go and I'm sure everyone is wondering If I'm still alive. No worries everyone. I've been busy gaining 10lbs!

where is my mojo?

It never ceases to amaze me how one little detour from my routine can cause me to be lost for weeks. I of course went on vacation only to come back to 5 days of visitors from Wales that needed to be entertained which led to the whole of this week eating crap because I had no time to grocery shop and cook for the week. It's a lame excuse but it somehow allows me to justify going to drive-thrus for lunch and do takeout for dinner. I have a freezer full of things to eat but because I didn't plan anything I don't even know what I could make out of what's in there...not to mention it's all frozen.

From all of my recent blog reading I've discovered that many people suffer from this "all or nothing" attitude. When you really think about it, it's a ridiculous and destructive way of thinking. It would be like if you got a cut on your arm and thought "well I've ruined that so I might as well cut my arm off".

I guess the first step is being aware of it and trying to change that behavior.

I know why I feel down. It's because of my eating lately, lack of exercise, and feeling disgusted with my body. But what do I do? Continue to sit and watch TV and eat crap. My knees hurt, my back hurts, my job has been tough because I haven't been in creative mode at all but I continue to feed this all with more comforting food and sleep.

We were supposed to start phase 1 on Monday but that is being pushed to next Monday now for the simple fact that I need a whole day to get us ready for it. I will make a big pot of chili and some mini quiches and whatever else lies in the depths of the freezer.

I imagine I will feel better immediately and I'm really looking forward to it.

Back to the real world

So I'm back from paradise to the concrete jungle and it has not been an easy transition. I spent most of my time in Florida wondering how I could have ever left such an amazing place. Even though it would have been nearly impossible to get a job in my field there, I feel like I could have been just as happy as a waitress. I'm going to be patient and continue to work towards a goal of living there again. Even if I have to wait until I'm 50.

I'm ready to get back into my routine but we have visitors until Sunday. I'm not going to go crazy but we'll be eating out every night until then and I won't be going to the gym after work. My water aerobics friends are going to think I stayed in Florida! The funny thing is that I'm so ready to go back. I've never been excited to go back to the gym.

As I said in a previous post, we will be doing 2 solid weeks of phase 1 of South Beach starting Monday. It seems to be the only way I can get rid of cravings. When I start sneaking sugar and processed flour back in my diet it just makes me want more and more. It's a great feeling to conquer cravings but it will be a challenge at first.

With that said, I'm going to go look for some recipes and get ready to spend Sunday cooking for next week.

Sunny Outlook

The sun has returned and already I feel a million times better. Not to mention the fact that I'm headed to Florida tomorrow before dawn. I need some time off desperately and I pray that Gustav stays away. I said a little prayer to my dad, who art in heaven, to keep the seas calm so we can go out on my friends boat. He loved to fish and worked for a big boat company so I know he'll do his best to get the message to the big guy : ) There's nothing I love more than the ocean and I hope to live by the water again one day.

My pants are falling off but I still haven't gotten on the scale.

The dogs know something is up but they will be well taken care of at the place where we board them.

I hope everyone in blogland has a happy Labor Day weekend!

Gray Fay Day

It has been raining in Atlanta for 4 days straight. We needed the rain so much but it's bringing me down! I've been eating too much, my boss has been awful and now there's another hurricane in the Gulf just before my trip. I think I really need some time away. I'm not usually an angry person but you wouldn't have wanted to cross my path the last few days!

I've been afraid to step on the scale and I probably won't again until after the trip. Not that I'm planning on eating my way across Florida but I thought I'd get some goals down here before we go so I can look at them when I get back.

1. Do 2 solid weeks of Phase 1 of South Beach to get cravings back in check. We do pretty well with healthy eating but refined sugar and processed things are slipping back in.
2. Meal plan and grocery shop on Saturday. Prep for the week on Sunday.
3. Gym at least 3 days - preferably 4.

Oh and now my coworker has just come down to announce the dog they bred is pregnant. Sorry to any people who buy dogs from breeders or are breeders but it hurts my heart when people feel the need to "make" a dog when there are thousands and thousands with no home. Arrrrrrgh. My mutts will kick your show dogs ass : )

Short week.

What is it about an upcoming vacation that makes me feel like I can throw my whole routine out the window? Sure I'm busy getting things together and getting my hair and nails done etc. but since Friday I've been in vacation mode and putting anything and everything in my mouth. If anything I should be working extra hard since I'll be in Florida wearing a bathing suit the whole time! The negative side of my brain is working overtime saying I'm going to look like a beached whale anyway regardless of what I eat the week before.

This weekend was a blur. Friday I went to the grocery store to get a few things and ended up with wings, potato chips, and sweet tea (oh and milk duds!). I was actually embarrassed about what was in my cart but I bought it all anyway. I was watching cute girls in workout clothes buy laundry detergent and water or whatever and was envious that they didn't have a cart full of crap they were about to eat. Why I didn't put it all back I'll never know.

Saturday was mexican food and mojitos and last night was pizza. Today I have no lunch packed and find myself dreaming of fast food for lunch. That's how it all starts. One bad meal and all my cravings come back full force. Needless to say I didn't go near the scale today.

To make matters worse, we have tropical storm fay pounding down on us today which will have the pool closed for sure. I didn't even pack my bag for the gym. It's probably for the best since I have brand new highlights which probably need to stay away from the chlorine for a day or 2.

My number one goal after we get back from vacation is to add the Friday night water aerobics class to my schedule even though it sucks to get home at 8:00 on a Friday. That should keep me busy and even force me to do some extra cardio since I will have an hour to wait before class starts. I think I eat badly when I don't have anything else to do.

I'm will be good to myself this week even though I have a million excuses not to. We don't leave until Friday so I have a few days to feel my best. I already feel accountable to this blog which is helping and now that I wrote it all down I can move on.

Note to self

Quit Yer Bitchin'!

There are so many people who have way worse problems than you. You are bitching about having to eat healthy when you blow past people in your brand new car who are standing on the side of the road holding signs that say "hungry please help".

Now as they say in Scotland, "SHUT IT"!!!

oh, and give favorite bum* some cash on the way home.

*favorite bum is a guy that always calls me young lady or pretty lady. He will also take food instead of cash which leads me to believe he really is hungry and not a drug addict or alcoholic.

Coming out of a funk

Yesterday was a horrible day for me. Work was awful as we're gearing up for a big presentation and it's never done until my boss walks out the door with it. He just keeps looking at it and changes things until it's time to leave. I've never met a successful man with so little confidence. Luckily I'm not going to the presentation. I used a million reasons to get out of it and won. I usually have to call my doctor and ask for xanax if I have to travel with him. Especially in the car.

By the time I got home I was so upset I was in tears so I took my sweet doggies for a walk which made me feel better. By the time my husband came home from the gym I was in tears again. I was tired and hungry and mentally exhausted - all brought on by my period I'm sure! I made a nice dinner of pork chops, edamame succotash and wild rice and went to bed at 9:00. I had to get up during the night to take some advil but other than a slight throbbing in my temples I feel much better today.

Sometimes the fact that I've been watching my weight since I was 10 just exhausts me.I get tired of thinking about it and talking about it. I get tired of making breakfast, lunch and dinner every day even though I have my husband to help me now. Sometimes I just want to come home and have cereal for dinner like I did when I was single but I know that's part of the reason why I gained my weight back. It wasn't a realistic way of eating. I think maybe once I have my kitchen remodeled I will feel more like cooking like I did in my gorgeous kitchen in our rental house but then I realize I'm using that as an excuse...just like all my other excuses.

So today is a new day and I've started it with a good breakfast and lots of water. I get to go to my water aerobics class today which is always something to look forward to and I know I will feel even better after it. It's a hot day today which make me look forward to it that much more.

This is a big fat lame post but I promised myself I'd do it on good and bad days.

I Be Trying

The title of today's post is inspired by one of my new pieces I purchased at the folk art festival. The artist was fabulous crazy and kept all of her money in her giant bra. She was so sweet and I talked to her for quite a while. She had hundreds of these "angels" that she makes and this one just spoke to me. Plus, I grew up in Florida so it was even more appropriate. I love folk art for the pure fact that someone can visualize and create something beautiful out of every day or discarded things.

Speaking of trying, my poor husband has been trying to lose 20lbs. and it just isn't happening. I manage his calories, he walks the dogs an hour each day plus goes to the gym every other day. He knows to drink water, eat healthy things throughout the day and he's even given up beer during the week. I've also been stuck for a few days but that's because it's that time of the month and I won't weigh again for a few days.

We both decided this morning that after next weekend's trip to Florida, we'll be going back on phase 1 of South Beach for 2 weeks. Right now we follow south beach phase 2 and I track it all through weight watchers online but I think that we still over do it on the carbs.

It's a constant struggle to eat the right things, get exercise, work full time, commute an hour each way, keep a clean house etc. etc. By the time I get home from the gym it's 8:00, we eat dinner and I'm falling asleep on the couch without having prepared anything for the next day.

At one point I considered lap band surgery but after reading blogs about it, gave up the idea immediately. I'd so much rather not eat something because I'm being healthy than not eat something because I'll throw it back up. I lost 100 pounds once before without it and I can do it again. Now that I'm 10 years older, it's not nearly as easy. At one point I weighed 145 pounds and was wearing a size 10 Gap jeans. For about one day.

I weighed about 170 when I met my husband and wearing size 14 Gap jeans. I was okay with that but needed some work. After we got married, we just ate and ate and drank and drank and now i sit here with 100 pounds (and a few more) to lose again.

I don't agree with the "fit and fat" concept at all. I feel like there are a few rare people in the world who REALLY are but I don't think that fat is healthy in any way. I believe I am fat and strong because I've completed THREE Breast Cancer 3 days which not everyone can do at 200 plus pounds. I just hate how I feel at this weight. My 5 foot frame just can't handle it. I also worry about my health. My dad always struggled with his weight and died of a heart attack at 49. I feel great when I work out. I feel great when I look good in cute clothes.

Thankfully I have my awesome gym and my water aerobics class. My husband is a constant source of support even when I can't get my fat ass out of bed to walk with him and the dogs. I have great friends who also struggle (except for of course my co-worker who weighs 90 pounds and eats peas as a snack!)

I have everything I need to succeed. That's why I keep trying everyday.

Hey, Hot Wing Lady where you been?

I thought I'd start with title today because on Friday I stopped at Publix after work to buy some sugar free coffee mate and some dog bones. As I was walking through the dairy section, one of the usual deli workers saw me and said just that.

When did I become the hot wing lady? I guess when you've been buying wings every friday night for a couple years you earn that title and because we live in the 'hood they have THE BEST wings in town which makes them irresistible. For the last 2 months we haven't had any wings at all. I'm sure we ate so many of them that wing sales have dropped drastically : )

I had a great weekend. Gained no weight despite lots of red wine and a Saturday night Indian food extravaganza. The folk art festival was amazing and I bought 2 pieces and stayed $5 under my $100 budget. I will post some pictures of them tomorrow once my camera battery is recharged.

Tonight is back to water aerobics. I'm going to go Monday, Wed, and Friday this week. I miss it over the weekend so I might even start going on Saturdays. My husband goes with me on the weekend which is fun. He lifts weights and swims laps but it's fun even though we aren't together the whole time. Once again this is the only time in my life I've ever been looking forward to going back to the gym each week!

Crazy week of work ahead so I must get to it.

For Fat Bridesmaid (who is so awesome)

Feel Good Friday

I thought I would start writing about some of my food issues and weight loss in the past but I'm just in too much of a good mood today. All my clothes are loose and I think I see some definition in my arms. Plus, I just love Fridays.

Even though work is usually crazy on a Friday, the thought of spending the next 2 days with my sweet husband and my dogs is all I need to get through it. As you can see they are all so cute I want to eat them! Lucy is on the left, Sophie on the right. Country and city rescue respectively. I imported my husband (as I like to say) from Edinburgh, Scotland and yes, he has an amazing accent, a kilt and is the funniest, sweetest, punk rock, football (soccer) hooligan on the planet.

I also get to see my mom this weekend who is traveling down from North Carolina to attend the folk art festival with me. My mom rocks and it should be a great day. I hope I find something to buy! I was fortunate enough to go to a really good art school but I have such a stronger appreciation for the self-taught artists. The crazier the better!

Unfortunately there will be no gym for us this weekend due to the schedule but Sunday we will be getting ready for our big neighborhood yard sale next weekend. I plan on working out by going upstairs to our room and to the basement a million times. I have meals planned which I never seem to manage on a weekend but I'm not going to ruin a weeks work by eating junk all weekend like I usually do. Plus, my best friend (who just moved to Savannah) is spending the night on Saturday and there will be much drinking as always. Even though we make mojitos with Splenda, the rum has calories I don't like to acknowledge.

Must get to work. I probably won't post anything much on the weekends as I avoid the computer as much as possible on the weekend since I'm chained to it 5 days a week. Good luck to everyone out there in Blogland.

10 pounds down. Sounds like a fine time to start a blog.

I've read so many wonderful blogs about weight loss that I'm inspired to write my own. Those of you whose blogs I've read I promise to de-lurk one day.

I'm 5'0 and topped the scales at 261. Since I had already lost 100 pounds at one point in my life (more on that later) I know that exercise is the only thing that will make me lose weight. Period. I can diet and stay the same but have to add the exercise to lose. About 2 months ago in the dead middle of the summer heat with nothing to wear I decided to go to the gym that I pay for every month and never use.

The best thing about my gym is because my husband works at one of the big hospitals in town, they have a wonderful gym which is also for rehabilitation. I've never felt so comfortable in a gym in my life. No-one is there to show off. Everyone is there for a reason. It's so refreshing.

After about a week of lurking outside the door of the pool (I'm such a lurker!) trying to see if the water aerobics class I wanted to try
a. looked like I could stand without drowning due to my 5 footness (check)
b. wasn't full of skinny people in bikinis (check)
c. looked doable for a newbie (check)

I had already bought a really nice, expensive plus size Speedo swimsuit months earlier in hopes of one day getting up the nerve to "dive in". *note: don't ever try water aerobics in a cheap suit. I've seen many ladies pop right out of them.


So I did it. I dove in. I put on my bathing suit and a smile and got in the pool. I immediately made a friend, the class was so butt-kicking awesome, and I haven't stopped going. For 2 WHOLE MONTHS. Now I've lost 10 pounds just from going to the class 2 or 3 days a week and it's time to kick it up a notch as Emeril would say.

I think this blog will be good for me. I need to work through some anxiety and eating issues but I've tried therapy and it does nothing for me. The reason it doesn't is I'm happy. Not happy with my body but happy with everything else in my life. I think that's a great start and now we'll work on this body thing....again!