yet another New Years Eve post

I've never been a big fan of New Years Eve. I never thought about why until I started blogging and I realized that it's because I never felt good about what I accomplished throughout the year. Personally and professionally. This year is a little different. I have done a lot this year and I'm sitting here with this weird sense of what might be pride.

I made a decision last year at this time that 2010 would be about survival. When I lost my job I gave myself a few days to be wreck but then I got right back to work figuring out how I was going to pay the mortgage. I've tried to apply that "if it sucks do something about it" attitude toward everything I've done for the whole year and it worked.

I seriously just took a break to wander in the kitchen and take a bite of a "crunchie" my husband brought me back from Scotland...I digress...

I didn't lose as much weight as I wanted to which I mentioned the other day but the pounds I did lose made a big difference. I tried things I was afraid of 30 pounds ago like yoga, riding a scooter and flying down the hill on a sled on our very rare white Christmas in the south. I'm proud of that. Again with the pride thing.

2010 was about survival, 2011 is all about progress. Personally, physically and professionally. I resolve to grow my business and shrink myself. I will push myself out of my comfort zone and attend networking events. I will feed my body what it needs to exercise more than ever before.
I have no excuse. I have my own business and I have no kids.

I feel like crap today. I've gained about 6 pounds over the last few weeks from eating sugar and carbs like an addict. To continue my "if it sucks do something about it" mission into the new year, I have a yoga class at 4:30 and I literally can't wait. It's only 1:00 and I have my stuff packed. I don't think I have ever worked out on New Years Eve.

Finally I'd like to give a shout out to my dear friend Cat who has faithfully kept a blog for an entire year posting a picture every day. I'm so incredibly proud of you for sticking to it!

Thanks to everyone for being such a huge support to me during this crazy year. Great things are ahead so stay tuned. Happy New Year my friends!

Christmas day at my moms house in Franklin, NC

Tales from the drive-thru

I wasn't going to write about this. Mostly because I wanted to pretend it didn't happen...partly because I now know some of the people who read my blog. But maybe I need to acknowledge it. The proverbial slap-in-the face wake-up-call kinda thing.

I was in the drive thru at McDonald's yesterday. Don't worry, I was only there for a skinny latte. Then it happened. The 350+ pound woman at the window asked me when I was due. I said "what?" and she asked again if I was pregnant.

In all my years of fatness, this has never happened before. I've read numerous blogs about that particular question being the last straw for some.

I'm devastated by it and I wish I wasn't. I've been so incredibly happy and grateful this holiday season and I'm trying not to let this ruin it all. I did lose 30 pounds this year and I've been trying to talk myself into believing that's good enough but it's not. There's so much more work to be done and I'm sitting here writing after just having had a handful of m&ms I didn't need. No exercise so far today because I was out late. Eating and drinking.

All I can do is try to use this for good and motivate myself to finish what I started.

doing well and doing good

I know I have not been a faithful blogger lately but I’ve been so busy and I don’t want my blog time to become a chore. Things are winding down on the business front for the year and now I can take some time to relax and enjoy the things I like to do.

I’m doing well on the exercise front and up and down on the eating front. T his time of year is so hard. We all know that so I’m not going to dwell on it. Yoga has been a life saver. I’ve been going 3 days a week which I know is great exercise but I’m not doing much else right now. I need to be running as well! To keep myself sane I promised myself I would do some form of movement every day through the end of the year. Yoga, running, swimming, whatever.

On to the doing good. I have had an amazing year despite the fact that I lost my job a year ago. I was terrified at first but I busted my ass and made it. I decided to pay it forward and do as much good as I can during the Holidays. It’s kept me busy but very, VERY fulfilled.

I will be catching up on my blog reading. I hope everyone is having a great week.

Friday!!

After a brutal week of workouts and super clean eating, I lost 6 pounds! Still not back at my lowest but getting really close. I'd like to get on to some "fresh" pounds but next week is going to be a challenge.

My best friend from high school is turning 40 and decided we should celebrate our birthdays together so she's coming to visit on Wednesday. I'm thrilled to have her but she's a single mom and when she gets a break from her kids she likes to party. I don't blame her at all but I'm on a roll and not in the eating and drinking non-stop frame of mind. I'm trying to plan some active activities but we will probably be eating out a lot. With some careful planning I can probably maintain but losing might be a stretch. I WILL leave her at home as to not miss yoga class!!

There were many victories this week. I did two 75 minute Bikram classes this week. One night is was pouring rain and freezing, and last night I was so sore from running but I went anyway. I even got compliments on my progress from the instructors both nights. I tracked and measured/ weighed everything I put in my mouth and never made it over 1200 calories. The one goal for this week which I thought would be the hardest wasn't at all. I gave up my evening snack which is usually a 1o0 calorie pack and a glass of milk. I had to change things up and that was an obvious thing that had to go. It all seems to have paid off on the scale. Plus, my skinny (er) jeans aren't cutting me in half at the waist anymore.

I can't think of a better way to celebrate a great week than dropping off all of this at the Can-A-Thon in a couple of hours...

This is a big event in Atlanta every year and this is the first time I've participated. My mom told us all she didn't want a Christmas gift but wanted us to do something charitable instead. My sister and I will drop it off and have someone take a picture of us and that will be my gift to our mom. I even made a sign to hold up. I will post some pictures over the weekend. All of this was only $90 at Aldi and that's a small price to pay when there are more people needing help than ever before. I tried to get mostly healthy stuff so there are 150+ cans in there of collards, veggies, chili, tuna, sweet potatoes and soup. There is even some not-as-healthy ravioli for the kids.

Have a wonderful weekend everyone!

December? Really?

Can anyone believe it's the last month of the year already? I turn 41 in a week and it seems like 40 was yesterday.

I've kicked things up a notch in the fat fight in hopes of spending New Years Eve proud of what I've done (for a change). I've lost 30 pounds this year so far and would like to add another 10 to that number. Even that's 60 pounds short of my true weight loss goals but I'm choosing to focus on the fact that I've lost it and it's stayed off.

It's been a great week so far. I've tracked, weighed and/or measured everything that I've put in my mouth and have been drinking a ton of water. I felt the benefits of that immediately at my 75 minute Bikram class last night. I made it through the whole class with no break and held one set of "standing bow pose" for the full minute. Ummm, I don't look quite like this when I do it (yet!) but I know I did a good job because I got a huge smile from my teacher. I think I'm a bit of a project for her which isn't a bad thing :) I don't know why I haven't looked it up before but according to most calorie burning calculators I've used, this class burns 1200 calories. I'm going to try to afford two a week for a while.

This morning was absolutely freezing so I decided to wait until lunchtime for my run. I will decide whether it's an outside or gym day when the time comes. Outside would be preferable!

If you want to be inspired, check out these weight loss stories on Dr. Oz. It's in 3 parts and all are worth watching!
The Secrets of the Skinny, Pt. 1

Have a great day everyone!

Binge and Purge

The Binge:
As per usual with me, Thanksgiving was just just one day, it was more like 7. I ate and drank A LOT. I also didn't do a lot of exercise (though I did make it to a 75 minute Bikram class).

The Purge:
I've been letting my clean eating slide little by little which is why I haven't been losing weight with all the exercise I'm doing. Over the years I've learned that the only time I lose is when I'm tracking and following a plan so that's exactly what I'm doing from now until the end of the year.

To set myself up for success I've gotten rid of everything in the house that has any white flour or sugar. Even the Fiber One bars. I even cleaned my closet and organized all my workout gear. I don't normally work out on Mondays got up this morning and walked my 3 mile route. I had no motivation to run but at least I got a good start on the week.

I hope everyone had an awesome Thanksgiving. Here's to a great week ahead!

STARVING!

I don't know what my deal is but I have been absolutely ravenous this week. Luckily there is nothing in the house that is really dangerous but I'm still managing to eat too much. This is real hunger too, not just boredom. Lightheadedness and all!

My weight loss has not been great despite all of my exercising which means I really need to do better on the nutrition front. This little spell is not helping. I haven't switched over to oatmeal for the winter because I wanted to eat what was left of the Trader Joe's O's but I may have to let those go and see if the oats will help fill me up.

Any thoughts blog buddies? What do you eat that really satisfies and fills you up?

Time to brag on my husband

As you all know already, I have the worlds sweetest, most supportive, Scottish husband in the world. I'm a lucky girl and I won't bore you with all that again ;)

I wanted to take a minute to give him some credit for all the hard work he's done since we started our new exercise routine in January. He has lost 30 pounds and his progress pictures are so amazing I had to share. Did I mention how cute he is too????


My husband knows about my blog but doesn't read it because he says it should remain a personal thing for me. He was really honored though when I asked him if I could post his pictures. He motivates me every single day.

I also hope that he can be some inspiration for anyone who's feeling like they can't do it. He still manages to have fun eating and drinking beer. Just less of everything combined with A LOT more exercise. It really is the winning combination!

5K Sunday

I don't normally do a blog post on the weekend but I'm feeling quite proud of myself for getting up and doing a 5k with my husband at 8:00 this morning. Running is still hard but it's getting just a tiny bit easier every day. So far I'm on track for my 15 mile a week goal.

As I was running around my usual course I was thinking about how just a year ago when I lost my job how hard it was to walk the dogs around the block. Back then I couldn't even dream of even walking as far as I RUN now.

This post is to serve as a reminder to myself that while the pounds are coming off slowly, my fitness progress is something to be really proud of. Before I know it, March will be here and I'll be crossing the finish line of that half marathon - come hell or high water :)

pretty cool

Today was my first run with my Nike plus attachment for the iPod. Being a visual person, I always enjoy seeing my efforts laid out in front of me . This is what this morning looked like


I'm so glad I decided to start running outside. I love being alone with my thoughts as I watch the sun come up over the golf course. Not sure how cold it will have to get before I'm back in the gym but we'll see! I'll enjoy it while it lasts.

A few people have been commenting about being brave and going to yoga and I've been thinking a lot about that lately. Sure it was really hard the first time and yes, I'm surely the fattest person there. I can see myself in the mirror. I know I look ridiculous at times but as I see it, I would look a lot more ridiculous on my couch watching Oprah surrounded by candy wrappers. All I can say is, if you have a desire to do something, do it. Same with the pool. If you think people are looking at you they aren't. I've learned that fit people have respect for people who are trying. No matter what you look like in a bathing suit, a tank top or a crow pose.

Hope everyone is having a great week. I so appreciate those who are hanging in there and still reading this through all my ups and downs!!!

So far so good

It's been a good week so far. I went for my first outside run in a while on Monday and did pretty well considering there were lots of hills. I bought a Nike Plus for my iPod (because I refuse to switch to AT&T to get an iPhone with the GPS so I have to go old school) Now I can track my progress outside which will be fun.

It would have gotten used for the first time this morning if it weren't for the hot Pranakriya yoga class I took last night. I'm am extremely sore from head to toe. The only thing I might manage later is a dog walk. Hoping tomorrow won't be worse!!

I have been trying out different classes in the hot room and so far this one was the most ass kicking of all. I managed a forearm stand (against the wall of course!) for at least 30 seconds. Being upside down is liberating! I'm thankful for my teacher who is SO encouraging and calls me by name. Her interest really makes me want to keep practicing.

I'm proud of myself for making time for my exercise despite my 12 hour workdays. Sometimes it's the hardest thing in the world to do but it really does help in so many ways. Off to eat some soup and do a little stretch if I can even stand up! Have a great day everyone!

Thanks again Al!

There's nothing like a little inspiration on a Monday morning! I saw Al on the today show this morning being pampered after finishing the NYC marathon and I'm feeling really inspired again.
It's too bad I'm sitting at my desk because I would go run right now! Al you are my hero.

I never run on a Monday morning and now I wish I had. I got some walking in but it didn't really do it for me. I have so much to do to get ready for the half marathon in March and while I've made great progress, I'm nowhere near where I need to be. The plan is to kick it up a notch this week, leave the treadmill behind and take it outside. Maybe a change of scenery will do me some good.

The weekend was so fun. I had a blast with my husband and blew off all my work. I will pay for that today but one can only work so much. The only bummer was I didn't get to have dinner with Tammy as planned. My upstairs shower was leaking through the ceiling downstairs and my brother-in-law was coming over to have a look at it. Turns out it's nothing more than having to re-grout the shower which I will do over Thanksgiving weekend. Good times :)

Good luck to everyone this week. I'll report on my outside running progress later in the week. Luckily we have some fabulous weather on tap.

Thanks Al Roker, my neighbor Jason, Shelley and all my other runner friends who inspire me every day!!! I will do this and I will make you proud!!

just okay

I can't believe how fast this week has gone by. Before I know it, Christmas will be here! I've realized I have entered into a new phase of adulthood - buying gifts early. What a concept!!

I did just okay this week. I ate pretty well and did a Bikram class and some running. Both seriously kicked my ass because I've been slacking. Just okay doesn't cut it because I gained a pound this week. I blame it on hormones (oh and the pizza we ate last night after another 12 hour work day)!

Back to Body Pump for me on Saturday and some sort of outdoor run walk combo on Sunday. Lots of social obligations happening this weekend so I need to earn my fun :) I'm desperate to go to Bikram tonight. The 4:30 class is a lovely way to start the weekend but I cannot spend the money to go twice a week. I will save it for the Tuesday night class with my favorite teacher.

Have a great weekend everyone!

November 1st: Step away from the candy...

It's gone. It's out of the house. I ate so much of it that I didn't even want any more.

I'm finally going back to a more normal schedule and plan on a great week of butt kicking workouts. Combined with the meal planning and cooking I've done, we should be in for a good week.

I'm looking forward to catching up on my blogging. In the mean time, here are my cute dogs!!
Have a great week everyone!

back to reality

In case anyone was wondering where I've been, I finally got a few days at the beach! I haven't been on a vacation in a year and a half and desperately needed it. I was at total burnout stage but I seem to have come back with a renewed energy.

I've managed to maintain my weight loss but my running progress has suffered due to not running. Imagine that! Eating in Florida was pretty much flawless since I had nothing but grouper, oysters and sushi. The drinking however, pretty much non-stop. I'm thankful that doesn't happen very often.

Other than that, I've been working full time at the agency and still working on my own company projects which usually amounts to about 12 hours of work a day- 7 days a week. I'm thankful for the income so I can't complain too much.

I got an encouraging email from the worlds nicest ex-boyfriend asking how my training is coming along for the half marathon and the honest answer is that it isn't. It was the kick in the butt I needed to get back at it. Funny how quickly you can forget just how good it feels though getting up at 5:15 never seems to get any easier.

I'm going to try a yoga class at my gym tonight to ease back in. I've been enjoying Bikram so much but it's an expensive habit so I can really only do that once a week. I figured I should just try it at the Y and if it's terrible, I won't go again. No lavender scented cold towels there! :( Then it's back to running in the morning.

I'm looking forward to getting back to blogging more regularly and spending some time catching up on what y'all have been up to. Hope everyone has a great week!!

namaste

I haven't been around much this past week because of endless piles of work combined with social obligations out the wazoo. That makes not a lot of time for the gym and way to much eating and drinking.

It really wore me down to I started my week with an amazing hot Vinyasa yoga class at 6 am to detox. I swear, if I was a celebrity or just really wealthy, I would do this every single day. I was coming out of the building just as the sun was rising on a really chilly morning and I could still smell the relaxing lavender from the cold towel you get lovingly placed on your face at the end.

This was a new class for me and I was nervous because it's a bit more complicated and intense than Bikram. I think I did pretty well for a fat newbie and even managed a hand stand (against the wall of course!) What a fun and freeing feeling. Speaking of freeing feelings, I wore a tank top for the first time ever in public (if you count the yoga studio at 6am as public) I have just made up my mind that I deserve to be comfortable and I've seen fatter women in worse things. I enjoy the class more when I'm not paying attention to how I look and just moving through the poses doing as much as I can do. Sweet little Astrid, the instructor, has been really helpful making me feel comfortable there. I can't imagine being able to do some of the things she does with her body though!!

I'm running intervals the rest of the week and will attempt another 20 minute run on Friday. I'm hoping this one is better than the last now that the dreaded heat has finally gone.

Getting up at 5:15 is tough and I'm fading fast. This was a boring post due to lack of energy (and brain cells) Hope everyone has a great week!!

a little rough patch

It's been a little bit of a frustrating time for me and I have to admit that I've been letting it get the best of me this past week. I've been making all kinds of excuses not to work out and slipping back into some bad eating habits. I know from experience that these are dangerous times.

Luckily I'm aware of it and ready to take control before it gets worse. I had a nice relaxing weekend at my moms in the mountains, the temperature has finally gone out of the 90's and I feel a little more like I can pull myself out of this.

As hard as I try I will never understand the way my mind works. I haven't lost a pound in over a month so what does my brain want to do? Give up. I never give up on anything else so what makes this different? I'm even showing some signs of jealousy towards my husband who has lost 20 pounds and is running 4.5 miles at a time. Everyone tells him how good he looks while I nod my head in agreement but can't help thinking how I've done twice as much and eaten half as much without any progress at all. Don't get my wrong I'm SO happy for him but sometimes it's hard to be a cheerleader when I'm feeling this way. My mom said I looked "glowing and healthy" but that's because I've wiped away the top layer of skin with my incessant sweating.

A week (or so) ago I did my 20 minute run and I haven't run since. It was so hard and I didn't feel well after and I think it scared me a little. It may have been the heat that got to me even though I was in the gym. The longer I go the worse it will be so I'm going to do some intervals tomorrow and see how I feel. I've also got my yoga class tomorrow night and I'm really excited to go again. I do see the irony in that I'm complaining about the heat but choose to do yoga in a 105 degree room. It's just so relaxing and if I close my eyes I can pretend I'm at the beach :)

Enough with the whining. It's a new week. Hope everyone has a good one!

I leave you with 2 great dog pictures from my weekend in the mountains.

Ups and ups.

I'm only going to say this once and not dwell on it because I already shed enough tears over it this morning. I GAINED 2 pounds again this week after 8.5 hours of work outs. I wasn't flawless with my eating this week - had Chick Fil A one day and Moe's one day but neither of those should be a problem. Maybe it was the 12-15 hour days of work I put in. The only thing I can think to do is to really start keeping track of calories again. I thought I had that down but I guess not.

In other news, I JUST (about 20 minutes ago) finished my first TWENTY MINUTE RUN. 1.25 miles without stopping. I try to be honest here in my blog and truthfully, it was hell. It was neither enjoyable nor rewarding but now I think it's starting to sink in and I'm quite proud. I'm really looking forward to it getting easier though. Losing some pounds would help (crap... I said I wasn't going to speak of that again!)

Bikram Yoga on Tuesday was fabulous and I can't wait to go back. I was by far the fattest person there but 3 people left and I sailed through it. Someone asked me how I could stand it and I said that there's something so empowering about watching your own sweat pour off you onto the mat. Plus my skin looks awesome from it :) It's an expensive habit but once a week should be okay for the budget for now.

When we were leaving the yoga studio, there was a personal training studio across the hall. There were 2 people working out and they looked absolutely miserable. I wanted to walk in there and say "y'all are never going to get anywhere with that sh*tty attitude!" Of course I would never really say that but today I realized I need to keep practicing what I preach. In good times and in bad.

Have a great weekend everyone.

first day jitters

It was hard to get up this morning for the second day in a row. Yesterday I got up and went back to bed. I needed a morning off but I went for a swim and a 3 mile walk later in the day because I really missed that morning workout.

Today was a struggle again but only because I didn't sleep very well. The dogs were having some sort of power play between their beds and ours which is unusual. I was also nervous about starting week 5 of couch to 5k and even more nervous because tonight I start Bikram yoga again. I promised my sister when I lost 20 pounds I'd go with her and I'm going to keep my promise.

For anyone that doesn't know, Bikram is usually a 90 minute yoga class done in 105 degree room. This is the third thing in the trilogy of activities that helped me to lose 100 pounds before. Running. Body Pump. Bikram Yoga.

Did I mention that after this class tonight I will have spent 2 and a half hours exercising today??

I shouldn't have been nervous about week 5 of C25k. Today was "only" three 5-minute runs so I did week one for the 2nd half hour. I was dripping wet but I felt really strong. Two 8-minute runs tomorrow then the next day will be my first 20 minute run. If I can make it through this I'll have run longer than I ever have.

Lots of firsts this week.

Eating wise still doing really well. I had a little too much dark chocolate and 6 of those damn 2 bite brownies but when I think about what a weekend consisted of before it's huge progress. I've really enjoyed cooking again and it seems both my husband I like my food better than a restaurant so it makes it easy to be really good and not feel deprived of anything. Part of it is falling into a good routine where we BOTH do a ton of prep work on a Sunday to get ready for the week. If you have a significant other, I recommend putting them to work chopping things up even if you are a control freak :) It's ALL about the planning.

So between working 2 jobs, working out, yoga, chiropractor and cooking and shopping for every meal, I have very little time left but I'm okay because I have the energy to deal with all of it from treating myself right. Huge progress people!!

non-scale progress

I've come to the conclusion that there's going to be 1-2 weeks per month that the scale does not cooperate so I'm just going to accept that because I'm a woman, it is what it is. Up 2 pounds for the week. It's all water retention. I still rock so I'm focusing on all the non-scale victories for the week :)

1. All week I have been doing week 4 of couch to 5k. I repeated this week due to my sickness the week before. I found it too easy so I did week one for the second half hour. Every day. Week 5 starts Monday.

2. I made myself take a day off from the gym today after 7 days in a row again. I'm missing it terribly!

3. I have elbows and I think I see my knees.

4. The armrest in my car is now where I rest my arm instead of it being the barrier between my side fat and the passenger seat.

I hope everyone has a great weekend. Tammy, Crys and I are all meeting for a workout then a trip to the farmers market. Can't wait to catch up with my girls!

so this is what they call living...

These are the times I wish I could bottle up all the motivation, pride and sheer joy to save for a crappy day or sell it and make a bazillion dollars so I don't have to work on a holiday. I can already hear the infomercial in my head!

In the past, by the end of a holiday weekend, I was tired and bloated and bitchy about having to "start my diet again tomorrow". This time I enjoyed my holiday weekend in a completely different way as if I was in the body of a different person. I loved every minute of it.

It all kicked off with proper planning. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that as soon as I could smell all the grills in the neighborhood, I would be craving all the foods that are synonymous with an American summer holiday. I was totally prepared and it worked.

Friday night I made a gorgeous 4oz grass fed beef burger on a small whole wheat bun with sweet potato fries and coleslaw with very little mayo. It was perfect if I do say so myself.

Saturday morning I went to Body Pump and was so excited to be back after a week of not going to the gym due to the sickness. I did better than ever before increasing all my weight and managing all but 4 of the lunges. Maybe next time I'll be able to say I did them all. As if that weren't enough, we walked 5 miles round trip to book festival after I got home. I purposely took the route by the Chick-Fil-A so I could stop and have my 300 calorie grilled chicken sandwich to prepare for the onslaught of corn dogs and other fried delights at the festival. After that I had 2 beers which was more than enough to fuel me for the walk home :) I stopped and bought $40 worth of socks at the running store too. Body pump, 5 mile walk, running store. All in one day. Who would have thought.

Saturday night I made very healthy shrimp fajitas for us and the neighbors and ended up overdoing it a little on the guacamole but managed to stick with 2 margaritas. The planned amount! Fajitas are a great way to feel like you are pigging out on mexican food but you have to watch the tortillas. Trader joes has a new small tortilla with 45 calories and 7 grams of fiber. Two is more than enough. They are a Godsend.

Sunday I did just about everything but the work I needed to do but managed a good three mile walk and some serious house cleaning while procrastinating. For some reason I was extra hungry all day so I decided to read to try to keep my mind off of it but of course it's a book involving lots of incredible descriptions of food but I'll save that for another post. We repeated Friday's dinner because It was that good and we already had everything.

This morning, I ran farther outside than I have yet. We did our 3 mile route and I managed more than half of that running. It was REALLY fun and I didn't feel like I was going to die once. A woman driving by gave me a thumbs up. I could have kissed her. Since I've embraced the fat girl running, I don't mind people noticing me. I owe that to Al and his sense of humor about it all.

Tonight is grilled pizzas on pitas from the Farmers Market which was planned because we usually order a pizza at the end of a holiday weekend binge. Not this time suckers :)

My dream about running was not just a one time thing. It's been a recurring dream now and for some reason it's helping me. In my dream I'm running with no consequence. No breathing heavy pain or heavy legs, just the freeing feeling of moving down the road quickly. I have a strange feeling it has something to do with my dad giving me encouragement from above.

I know this is long and probably mostly boring but to sum it all up, I think I now know what it's like to feel alive and I'm not sure I ever did before. I'm seeing everything from a different point of view. My body is changing but my mind has had a total makeover. I saw things in the neighborhood I've never seen in 6 years of living. I WANTED to walk 5 miles on a gorgeous day with my husband instead of watching HGTV and wishing I had the energy to do something. You couldn't pry the smile off my face right now.

Holiday Friday Quickie

Just wanted to drop in to say...
1. I've officially entered the 220's - a new decade for moi!!!
2. I'm not sure who this person is I've become - the one that is planning healthy meals and lots of activity for the long weekend. I even had a dream about running!
3. I hope everyone has a fabulous holiday weekend!!

A new low

It feels so good to be feeling better. It's been a year and a half since I've been sick and I forgot how much it sucked!

The good part? I weighed in a day early and lost 6 pounds this week!! 230 today. 16 pounds in a month (and a day). I can't wait to see the 220's again.

Leave it to me to do this AFTER the challenge ended! I'm still so proud of my friend Crys for winning. She lost 15 pounds in a month while traveling. She's a freaking rock star.

I'm trying not to get too excited about the loss this week because I haven't been exercising and I know I've lost some muscle I've worked so hard to build up. I was going to wait until tomorrow to go back to the gym but I'm considering a lunch time swim today because I miss exercising. To me that attitude is even more important than the pounds lost.

Hope everyone is having a great week!! Long weekend ahead!!!

end of challenge weigh in

236 this morning which is no loss in the last 2 weeks but that's 10 total for the challenge. I'm pretty pleased with that! Also, my BMI is down 3%. I haven't seen that move in quite a while!

Right now I'm sick as a dog with a cold I caught at a kids birthday party and just came back from a trip to the doc with a chest x-ray and 3 kinds of meds. I'm not dying so that's good - even though it feels like it!

While I was there I was venting my frustrations about not being able to get below 235 and she decided to check my thyroid (again!) and this time check for insulin resistance. We'll see what happens with that! I've had thyroid symptoms since I was a teenager but it's always come back normal or borderline. I also know that there are different tests that can be done so I'm going to push for that if this latest round doesn't turn anything up.

I haven't had any exercise since Saturday and I strangely miss it. The doc told to wait until I can breathe again so hopefully by Thursday I'll be back at it because I've been making some good progress. I even managed to up my weights a bit in the Body Pump class and do all the squats. I know I will feel even more victorious when I can make it through the 4 minutes of lunges! oy....

I hope everyone is having a great week so far. I'm off for some more couch time while it lasts!! :)

week 4 challenge weigh in

I really didn't even want to post today but all the amazing comments I got on yesterdays post made me realize I have to keep going through good and bad. If it wasn't for this blog, I may have given it all up today.

I gained a freakin pound but as the oh so wise Mr. Sh*t told me, "know that what you're doing is better than what you're NOT doing (binging, slothing)". So I did exactly what he said. He's kinda like my male Oprah. I do whatever he tells me to do. I'm sure he'll be thrilled with that comparison ;)

Yesterday after my post I did go to the pool but not for an easy swim by any means. I rocked 40 laps in 45 minutes. At one point there was a "real" swimmer girl who kept looking at me and I almost said out loud "I'm not racing you so so stop looking at me you dumb $*%#!". I calmed myself down and remembered I was there to change my mood and not take it out on some girl who dared look at me. I swear I'm not a mean person but sometimes....grrrr. I felt awesome when I finished and too a long soak in the hot tub even though I had a ton of work to do.

My reaction this morning was downright stupid. My first thoughts were along the lines of "I can eat like crap and gain weight so I might as well" and so on. Later when my husband saw my tears and reminded me how much better I said I felt. My reply was "well what I really feel is tired, sore, sad and pissed of at my stupid sister who woke me up with a stupid drunk phone call after I'd gone to bed twice this week."

I ALMOST didn't go this morning. I still had tears in my eyes as I was staring at the moon getting in the car. But I went because I knew everyone was cheering me on. My husband and my blog friends are my biggest fans and I'm not letting them down. I did a pretty kick-ass half hour of c25k week 4 and then another half hour of incline intervals walking. I managed 3.25 miles in an hour which means my time is improving ever so slightly.

Speaking of my husband, he has lost 15 pounds now and I'm so proud of him. He will be in onederland by next week. I'm glad he's seeing progress because it's been a little hard for him to adjust to drinking very little beer and only having potatoes once a week :)

The point of all of this is to get my mind to the point where "going back" is out of the question. Where I don't want to eat like crap and sit on the couch. I'm getting there.

This is where it gets tough

Well it seems I've already hit my first plateau which happened to coincide with my 1940's plaster kitchen ceiling falling down. $1600 to replace. That's the family price! Ironically it's the same price as a trip to Scotland which I was planning for Christmas. Looks like now my husband will go without me (again) and I'll stay home and bask in my modern day drywall kitchen ceiling. You can probably hear my heavy sigh from wherever you are reading this :)

The scale has my mind all messed up this week. Even though the official weigh in for the challenge isn't until tomorrow, I've been checking all week and I've somehow gained. I'm eating like a saint and doing an hour and 30 minutes a day of cardio.

No worries though, I'm not giving up. I just need to recognize when I'm feeling weak and get it out there.

Yesterday could have been really bad. I had a meeting in a particular part of town that I used to love to go to because our beloved drive-in, the Varsity Jr. is right there. It's the perfect place to sit in the car and gorge on the greasiest of chili dogs and pimento cheeseburgers (oh and the fried peach pies). I never thought I'd say this but thanks to the City of Atlanta zoning department, they just closed over the weekend and I avoided at least a 2,000 calorie disaster. Luckily the main location is ridiculous crowded and difficult to get to so I think my biggest temptation in the ATL is now gone for good.

Even my workout yesterday felt crappy. I was sore and tired and my legs felt like I had ankle weights on. Then we went to a concert last night and now my entire body hurts from jumping around to some seriously good Ska music. My left hip has been sore during my runs but today they are both on fire so I'm finally going to go to a chiropractor about it. It's not unbearable but it would be nice if it wasn't there at all! I'm sure being a fat person running isn't helping.

I'm off to the pool in a few for a gentle swim in hopes of improving my mood and my aching bones. Trying to treat myself to things that make me feel good that don't involve food and/or shopping.

I'm hoping that I at least stay the same for tomorrows weigh-in instead of having to post a gain in the challenge. I will not let that piece 0' crap scale beat me. I HAVE TO keep going. I'm a half-marathon participant now and those people don't just give up :)

no turning back now!

I started week 4 of couch to 5k today after a full day off yesterday (aside from a 20 minute dog walk!). For some reason I was really nervous and doubting I could do it. Probably because this is the point where I stopped the last time. I did really well considering it was a full 16 minutes of running although I couldn't do my additional 30 minutes of incline interval walking. My legs just weren't having it and I'm sure tomorrow will be a little easier.

I'm (still) so motivated and full of energy which is a good thing

because....








as of this morning

I'm a registered participant of the Georgia Half Marathon.


I looked closely at the route for the first time this morning and at this point can't even really fathom the distance even though the course is through all familiar territory. I just have to put all fears aside and convince myself I will be able to do this by March. It's fun to have a huge goal but utterly terrifying at the same time.

I've been eating great as well and seeing big changes in my body, though not as much on the (damn) scale. I blame that on my weightlifting efforts at Body Pump but like I've said a million times before, I know it's necessary for my overall fitness. I'm hoping for at least a pound or 2 for my weigh in on Friday - the second to the last in the challenge! We're going out tomorrow night and I really need to compensate for that all week. If I'm careful, I can fit in a rosemary infused grapefruit margarita in a mason jar (my favorite drink on earth). Plus, grapefruit juice is healthy ;)

end of the week weigh in

Week three of the challenge yields an (almost) 2 lb. loss for the week. That's a total of 10 since the challenge began!

I've still been working out 6 days a week at 6am and eating really well and it's paying off. Some days I wish for bigger numbers but the way I'm living right now is maintainable over the long run and that's the key to keeping it off this time.

It's been a super busy week with extra hours at my part time job but I still managed 3-5 miles a day of intervals. That makes me very proud.

Tomorrow is another Body Pump class and then Sunday is the day my husband and I do at least 3 miles with the dogs both running and walking. He's lost 10 pounds too!

I'm really in the groove right now. Long may it continue!

Have a great weekend everyone!

Monday mix tape

I'm so proud to say I've completed another successful week and am fully prepared for this one that has just begun. I think the motivation I've been blessed with has been coming from being truly honest with myself and listening to my body. I'm feeling GREAT!

Friday night we went out with a friend to a bar that has amazing food of both the healthy and unhealthy varieties. I could have eaten everything but decided to start with munching on steamed edamame because I wasn't sure I had eaten enough vegetables that day. What a great way to fill up a little before ordering! After that, I was completely satisfied by one little chicken parmesean slider (about 3 bites worth) and a caprese salad with local tomatoes. Yes I had 2 beers but had planned on that ALL week! For a brief moment I wanted to stop at Dairy Queen but my husband reminded me we had 4o calorie fudge bars at home.

Saturday I was up and at my Body Pump class by 9:15. I did much better this week than last (which was my first time in 10 years) At least this week I didn't have to come home and take a nap! My soreness only lasted a day or 2 so I will probably up my weights just a tiny bit on the legs next week. My arms were burning just fine though! I have such a long way to go before I'm able to plow through it like I did 10 years ago but I'm really trying hard not to focus on that. Sometimes the realization of starting over hits me like a ton of bricks.

Saturday night we had shrimp and chicken fajitas that I made and brought them to the neighbors to pair with margaritas they had made. I had a few too many chips and and maybe an extra margarita but I felt it was a success for an "outing". Normally we would have gone out for mexican and it would NOT have been lovingly prepared with all healthy ingredients! Even the margaritas were nothing but fresh lime and tequila with no sugary mix.

Sunday morning my husband and I took the dogs out for a 3 miler. I wasn't planning on running but I (being honest with myself again) reminded myself that I was going to be doing a half marathon and that running outside at least some of the time is a necessary part of training. I decided to run on the downhills only but still managed about a mile! My husband usually runs ahead of me because I'm so slow but there's nothing like running toward his smiling face while he's cheering me on...even though I'm sure it's not the prettiest sight in the world. He says it's beautiful to see me running but all I can think about is all the jiggling that's going on - not that I would ever let that stop me. I'm hoping to look back fondly at these times when I'm crossing the finish line in March!

Shortly after that I got to meet Tammy at the farmers market and had a BLAST. She is so sweet and funny...one of those people I feel like I've known forever. I had a huge salad with a piece of homemade pita bread and only 1 bite of the pineapple croissants as we passed the bread sampling table. I loaded up with healthy fruit and veggies for the week and even with a pound of tilapia and rotisserie chicken, spent only $33. Fish is being made tonight with mango salsa, roasted brussels sprouts and their corn on the cob which is the best I've ever had. 2 ears of corn were 30 cents!

Sunday night was quiet and relaxing but I was still exhausted when I got up this morning. I could barely stay awake and was debating taking a day off after 6 in a row. My husband said I should listen to my body and do what I thought was best. My body was just saying I was sleepy but not sore really so I went. It wasn't the best workout and I felt like I was all over the place but I did the first day of week 3 of couch to 5k which is 9 minutes of running. I did 45 minutes total on the treadmill and then just threw in the towel. I hear the body pump instructor say it's better to do less than do more with bad form and that's what my problem was this morning. I just didn't have the energy to stand up tall and engage my core. I think some days are just going to be like that. Mondays especially.

That brings me to my question for y'all after this ridiculous long post about not a lot.

How do you handle "days off" from exercise?

I know from previous experience that I need to do 6 days a week but when I take a day off it seems to make me more tired. It's almost like if I don't have that exercise I just can't get going or I feel guilty about it. I know my body needs a break but I thought maybe something like yoga, a leisurely walk or a swim would be good for that seventh day. Or maybe I just take Mondays of altogether and quit obsessing about it. I would love to some thoughts on rest!

Here's to another great week ahead. I'm hoping the scale decides to reward me for some good behavior this week for the challenge now that Tom is almost gone :)

Not that I’m checking out your stats...

I realized yesterday during a horrible afternoon bout with cramps that it was that fun time of the month again but at least it explained my cravings, hunger, and general irritability. Instead of curling up in a fetal position on the sofa I figured a walk with the husband and dogs would make me feel better. It was 105 heat index AND garbage day but there were parts of it that were enjoyable. Like running the length of the park without stopping! I know it’s a hell of a long way from a half marathon but It’s a big start.

I got up at 5:30 this morning still in a relatively foul mood despite the fact that I had a dream I was making out with Cristiano Ronaldo (superstar soccer player for those who don’t know) in a convenience store. At the gym by 6:15 I did a half an hour of C25K intervals. About halfway through, “the incredible stinking woman”, as I’ve now named her, showed up and got on a treadmill 4 down from me. I smelled her before I saw her. Even from that distance. I had to chuckle as a guy got off the one next to her and moved but the whole thing just added to the foulness of my mood.

All along I had been glancing over at the guy next to me who had been running the entire time - at 7.5 miles an hour - burning more than 500 calories. I try not to look at what anyone else is doing because I’m only in competition with myself but that was impressive!! Just as we both slowed down to a walk at the end of the first 30 minutes he gave me a thumbs up so I took out one of my earbuds and he said “interval training is the best thing you can do.” I had a HUGE smile on my face as we both started up again for another 30 minutes. Of course he ran ANOTHER 30 minutes at 7.5 miles an hour and burned another 500+ calories but I did walking incline intervals with an extra spring in my step. Thanks dude. You probably have no idea how much you encouraged me today :)

Dodging a Bullet

Yesterday was a bit of a struggle for me but luckily being back to blogging regularly has made me so much more self-aware.

I had taken day off from the gym after 7 days in a row and I never seemed to be able to get going for the day without it. Later in the afternoon my business partner and I had to deal with a huge mess regarding a friend we thought we could rely on as another partner. I almost had an anxiety attack so I took half a xanax which didn't help my energy level.

I was really hurt and disappointed and all I wanted to do was eat. That's how quickly I found myself retreating to my old thoughts. I had already eaten a huge salad for lunch so I had an apple and Laughing Cow. Then a hundred calorie pack (luckily, only one). Then all I could think about was a cheeseburger from Five Guys. I wanted to be stuffed full and go to bed early. Even though we had already planned on having some whole wheat pasta with sauce that was already made and defrosting, I just couldn't bare the thought of it. The dogs were desperate for an "outing" so we decided to go to Moe's and pick up something that would satisfy my need for comfort without breaking the calorie bank. (a Joey Junior has only 383 calories without cheese)

It was delicious of course and fulfilled a need but I feel like that need to eat for comfort is never going to leave me. The important thing now I suppose is my awareness of it and working around it. Don't get me wrong. I know I can work the things I love into my meal plans but this really showed me how working out first thing in the morning sets the tone for my WHOLE day. Even my only day off, I need to move a little to get my head on straight.

I was still a little blah and tired this morning but I got up, laced up my shoes, and drove my husband to the train. In that short trip his encouragement turned my crap attitude around and by 7:15 am I had done AN HOUR on the treadmill. 30 minutes of that was couch to 5k then another half hour of incline walking. I feel like yesterday never happened and I'm back to my motivated self. If I'm going to do this half marathon, there is no room for setbacks.

As I was getting dressed for my part time job, I realized I didn't really have any summer pants that fit anymore. I'm hoping there's something in the archives to get me through this summer without having to buy anything new. Buh-bye to the size 20 somethings. The teens are back! I WILL remember this feeling next time I face a challenge.

Recovery

Wow what a week this has been!

Not only did I have an 8 pound loss, today is the 7th day in a row I was in a gym.

Yesterday I survived my first Body Pump class. It was very intimidating because it was at a different Y and I hadn't done it in 10 years but I sucked it up and went. There were several people waiting to get in the room and I sat down next to a really cute skinny girl with an AMAZING butt. I wasn't going to talk to anyone and then I noticed she had a tattoo so I thought she might be "cool". (Don't you love the profiling going on in my head?) I asked her if she came to this class often and I realized right away she was a totally sweet girl. I was able to get the low down on which classes were the most crowded, best instructors etc. I was so thankful for her and I look forward to seeing her next week. I took it really easy on the weight but was already feeling it during the warm up which worried me until I realized everyone else was too! I was truly exhausted when I got home and took a nap which is something I rarely do.

Today was my official rest day but I woke up really sore and quickly realized if I didn't do some moving it was going to get much worse. I couldn't lift my coffee cup to my mouth! There was a very rare breeze blowing this morning so we took the dogs out and just kept going and going. Before we knew it we had done almost 3 miles, including some running. I was absolutely drenched with sweat but I embraced it and had a great time. Then I had the brilliant idea of throwing on my suit and going to jump in the pool at the Y. I did just a few easy laps, some major stretching and ended with a dip in the hot tub. It was a perfect morning with very few people there and totally relaxing.

As I sit here and type this I'm finding it difficult to move my arms. Standing up is even more difficult but at the same time it's the greatest feeling. I know I'm on my way to losing this 100 pounds for the last time.

So, all my blog friends, how do you recover from killer workouts? Any advice would be appreciated because I anticipate feeling like this a lot throughout the rest of my journey. Hope y'all had a great weekend!!

week one challenge

GREAT DAY!!!!

I'm calling this one an 8 pound loss this week. Maybe more like 7.6 but whatev.

To add to my excitement, I get to finally meet Crys today. I will try to take a picture but the farmers market we are going to has huge signs everywhere that you will be kicked out if you're caught taking pictures.

I've been exercising every day (sweating like never before), eating more veggies and drinking my water. I earned every pound of the loss this week. Of course I'm not expecting this every week but it sure is a nice way to start the challenge!

Tomorrow is my first Body Pump class which makes 6 days in a row so I'm taking Sunday OFF except for a dog walk of course.

Have a great weekend everyone! I made a promise to at least do one post over the weekend so I will be checking in!!

Good Morning Moon

I woke up this morning at 5:30 staring at the moon out the window and thinking how crazy it is to be up before the sun. I fought the morning workout thing most of my life and I have to admit that after a month now, I’m getting into the swing of it. There’s an entire world out there I didn’t know existed - a world of healthy people starting the day off right.

On the days my husband goes to his gym at the hospital, I drop him off at the train by 6. He just started the morning routine since his afternoon boot camps at work ended and I think he’s struggling a bit to get used to it. Our routine before consisted of sitting around drinking coffee, watching Today, and easing into the morning. Now it’s rushing to dress, eat something and head out the door. Luckily I have that time AFTER the gym but he has to go straight to work.

As we were driving and observing all the people out walking and running in the neighborhood, it kind of hit me like a ton of bricks. I said to my husband “if we want to be like these people, we have to live like them.” I thought that was awfully profound of me at 6am :) I think my husband was a bit surprised as well. I don’t know why but things are finally starting to make sense.

I almost had to stop my workout this morning because of a horrible, stinky woman next to me on the treadmill. I could tell right away when she got on it was bad but then she started moving her arms all around and grooving to her music while running. That was completely intolerable. There were no other treadmills available and so I just put my towel over my mouth and nose. Not even caring at all if she was offended. As soon as I saw another open up I slammed on the stop button and switched. I really hope she got the hint. I did manage a full 30 minutes C25k workout and then added on another 20 minutes of fast walking. Combine that with a 20 minute dog walk in 105 degree heat later and you’ve got 70 minutes of cardio. And I haven’t missed a day this week.<

Tammy’s challenge has been extremely motivating and I’m really glad I finally took one on. I’m going to weigh in on Saturday so stay tuned. I believe we’re going to have some good results!

I can't believe I'm saying this out loud

This past March, I sat on my living room sofa and watched the news coverage of the ING marathon in Atlanta. I knew people who were participating and I wanted more than anything to be out there with them on that gorgeous day. It seems to be the only running event in Atlanta that takes place at a reasonable time of year - when it's not blistering hot. Also, the route is through the neighborhoods on my side of town.

Since then I've thought about doing the half but it was just a thought. Something I wasn't sure I could do or wanted to commit to. I've done the 3-day three times but this is different. Especially with the hills. In fact, when I think about it I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach like I get at the end of day one on the 3-Day. The "what the hell have I gotten myself into" and the "I don't think I can do this" feeling.

My friend Crys also shares my desire to become a runner and I'm hoping that the 2 of us can accomplish this enormous goal together. There's plenty of time to train but I had to put it out there as a real goal. Now. So I take it seriously.

Dear lord what have I done.

My Hero

Dear Al Roker,

I watched the video of you crossing the finish line of the Rock n Roll Chicago half marathon while I was on the treadmill this morning. I was practically in tears I was so proud of you.

A few months ago when you spoke for the first time on the Today show about your amazing weight loss, there was a video clip of you running at 3:30 am and it's something I've never forgotten. Just when I think I can't get up and work out, I think about you, plowing through it every day, hours earlier than me. In fact, you're already on the weather channel by that time.

You joked about how you should have "worn a bra" but you are still my hero. Man boobs and all. I just hope you know how much of an inspiration you are to me and everyone struggling with weight issues.

I know your journey hasn't been easy but I hope that inspiring the rest of us makes it a little easier. I dream of doing the ING half marathon in March. Now I know I can do it.

With thanks and admiration,
Tina
p.s. Not a stalker :)

my first challenge

Tammy my fellow Atlanta blogger is having a challenge! You can read all about it over at her blog.

I've never done a challenge before but I need a little motivation and some short term goals so I figure it can't hurt.

The only thing that did hurt is posting this today. I broke into the 230's last month and really want to get back on the downward trend. Lets see how low we can go by the end of the month!

I got a good start today. I was up at 5:45am after a restless night due to dogs and storms. I did 45 minutes on the treadmill and was soaked through with sweat. Since getting proper shoes, my hip has been better and I'm going to try running again tomorrow. I also added 20 minutes of stretching along with abs and push-ups on ball.

All healthy meals are planned for the week and the house has been cleared of Oreos.

Here's to a happy, healthy week! Join in the challenge if you can!

me week

Is anyone else amazed that it's August already? I'm trying to clear my head of negative thoughts about how much I'd hoped to accomplish by this time and focus on what I have done. I think I've survived the loss of my job and have come out okay on the other side. It's still a struggle financially and I have to work so much harder to pay the bills but I actually had a few bucks left over this month and treated myself to a "me week". I got my hair cut and colored, I went shopping, I got some new makeup, cleaned and organized my bathroom and closet and stocked up on some good food for the week ahead. I thought I would finish it off with a weekend blog post which always makes me feel great. After this it's back to work :)

I've been keeping up my exercise during the hottest summer we've ever had but weekend eating has been negating all my efforts during the week. I feel strong but flabby which is a sign that it's time to add some weights into the routine. My plan for this week is to do my usual cardio and give myself some time after for some body weight exercises. Saturday, the other Y (that I haven't been to yet) has a Body Pump class at 9:30 am that has a 15 minute setup class for first timers. I haven't been in years and that helps ease my fears a little. When I lost 100 pounds the last time, I went 3 days a week religiously and it was my favorite way to workout. I'm hoping to see some results from this plan.

Okay now I'm totally procrastinating and need to work in hopes of one day going on vacation again. Here's to the week ahead!

this is getting serious

Today was a big deal for me. I'm still having weird hip issues so I decided to finally get fitted for some real running shoes.

I did this once before for the 3-day but it was just someone watching me walk and then me trying on shoes. Today's experience was a high-tech analysis of my run which involved computers and video and treadmills etc.

I was terrified to go in this place. I was sure it would be full of snooty marathon runners but it was totally the opposite. I felt comfortable the second I walked in and they seemed thrilled to have yet another member of their running cult :) I also got some socks so we'll see if this is the magical shoe/sock combo I've been desperate to find for years. I'm almost looking forward to getting out of bed at 5:45 tomorrow to put them on.

Yet another fear conquered and a great excuse to keep it up. My next goal is to run to this place from my house and partake of their "free water for runners" :)

what a difference a week makes

I'm feeling about a bazillion times better than I was at this time last week. I made it 5 days to the gym at 6am and am shooting for 6 days this week. It's amazing how fast clean(er) eating and exercise can turn my whole attitude around.

I've been struggling with my left hip since I tripped over a stick in the park and caught myself from falling and I couldn't get through the run on Friday so I finished it walking and took Saturday and Sunday off. When I started this morning I still didn't feel I could run so I walked really fast for 50 minutes hoping that going a bit longer would help burn as many calories as running does.

I feel like getting up is already easier. It feels amazing to be on my way to my part time job knowing it's done and my muscles still zinging. I just wish I could bottle it up and save it for when the times when it seems totally pointless. Jack said wrote something about that last week and it's really stuck with me so I've been focusing on keeping that feeling fresh in my memory every day. It's as close as we can get to bottling it for the foreseeable future.

Hope the week ahead is a great one for all!

a little progress

I went back to the gym and I didn't die. In fact, I didn't even gain much more than 3 pounds since I've been away but that's not really the point. The point is I enjoy how I feel when I'm exercising and eating well. I'm tired of "scraping by" financially since I lost my job but that doesn't mean I have to do the same with other aspects of my life.

Only a few days went by until I felt like a I needed to set some goals so I looked back at the things I enjoy doing. Swimming is mostly out of the question for the summer since the pool is packed from dawn until dusk with kids of every age. I never knew anything could be so loud. Even underwater.

So today I (re) started Couch to 5K. I was up to week five last time - I just stopped after a huge blister from the Race for the Cure. I really enjoyed all the mini-goals and the sense of accomplishment I got from that program. It felt great to do it again today even though I'm back to the beginning but i did get to re-listen to my week 1 playlist on my ipod (and I already have them done up through the fifth week!)

I was proud of myself for doing that today mostly because I didn't get up and go this morning and that usually spells disaster! I wasn't going to make excuses so I wore my gym clothes to my part-time job and went right after. I was soaked through with sweat and it felt great.

I'm not 100% over my "bad spell". Still having intense food cravings but the exercise and extra water is helping. I'm like a junkie coming down and I just have to give it some time. Thank you all for the reminder that it's okay to take small steps towards getting back on track. I'm thankful for all the support I have around me!

back at it

Thank you all for your sweet comments from yesterdays post. I cannot even put into words just how motivating that is for me!

I did it! I got up at 5:45 and was at the gym by 6:15. It took me a little while to wake up and get my contacts in but by the time I was fine. I did 2 miles on the treadmill in 45 minutes and made sure to bump up the incline on the really good songs :)

I got home, took a shower, had my Trader Joe's O's with strawberries and just about to have my coffee and it's only 7:30! It seems I can manage at least a little Today Show time for myself AND work out! More importantly, I know this is going to give me the energy I need to keep up with 2 jobs, 2 dogs and and a ridiculously clean house.

I would love it if I could do lunch time workouts but there seems to be too may variables in my schedule by that point in the day. Too much room for excuses so for now I'm going to get up in the mornings and do this. I don't have a plan other than walking the rest of this week and starting back at week 1 of couch to 5k next week. I think I enjoyed it so much last time because there were weekly, attainable goals.

Thank you again to everyone for helping pick me back up. I plan on doing some blog reading later this afternoon and catch up with you all!

the vicious circle

I can't believe how long it's been since I was here last.

It all started with a piece of pound cake. We're not talking any ordinary pound cake, this was a real southern ALL butter pound cake. I had one slice and then was forced to take half home from the dinner party. I put it in the freezer thinking that would deter me but it only made it more delicious.

At that point I was on week 5 of couch to 5k and finally feeling good again after the ups and downs of the job loss and starting my own company.

I probably shouldn't blame it all on the pound cake. One day out of the blue I suffered what I now know was a full blown anxiety attack. I've suffered with anxiety as long as I can remember and went off the Lexapro once I was out of my miserable job situation. I had some small anxiety attacks in the past but it seemed to be going great until that one day - I truly thought I was dying.

Since then, I've had a full cardiology workup and given the all clear but I have done nothing more than dog walking in flip-flops for exercise. It felt weird putting on my running shoes when we went for a hike in the mountains over the weekend. I'm back on the meds and feeling so much better but the answer to all my other problems is exercise and I'm still not doing it.

The vicious circle goes a little like this: not eating right+lack of exercise=not sleeping well=lack of energy=not eating right+lack of exercise.

This blog post today was my first step in getting back on track. I don't have a plan other than a fridge full of healthy food and 6am gym on the schedule for tomorrow. Not even sure what I'll do yet but anything is better than this. I owe it to myself. I owe it to my husband. I'm hoping coming back to the blog will keep me accountable.

no news is good news

I didn't quite realize how long it's been since I last posted until Shelley, Tammy and Juice started checking up on me! I'm so lucky to have made such great friends here in blogland that people actually miss me.

Things are really pretty darn samey same over here so I haven't posted much. I didn't want to write a boring post about being bored :) I'm working 2 jobs, one for myself and one for someone else, and as always struggling to find the time to work out. I've been maintaining by eating well and walking the dogs but it's not enough for me. These days I need the hard exercise to keep my anxiety at bay and my energy up. I have made it to week 4 of couch to 5k and have been stuck there for a few weeks. Hopefully after a week or so of getting up early I'll be ready to move on to week 5. I'm so proud of myself for making it this far I can't give up now.

Everything is once again pointing me to morning workouts. I don't know why it's so hard for me other than the fact my mom says I have never been a morning person since birth. Things change as we get older so maybe after a couple of months, I will be that morning person I envy. I will stop saying "whatever Melissa" as the girl from the end of the street is finishing her morning run as I'm just opening the curtains. Tomorrow I'm up and out the door at 5:45. This can't be so bad. Right???

Thanks again to my girls for checking up on me. You inspire me every day!

mind over matter

I don't remember which one of my fabulous blog friends commented when I lost my job about how this was going to be a huge turning point for me in terms of finally taking care of myself. Whoever it was, you were right.

It's really weird how suddenly different my mind works. Maybe it's because I'm not being beaten down by a miserable man every day and feel like I'm worth it. It may be one of those situations where you never realized how bad it was until you're on the other side of it.

This all started yesterday which was my first day of week 4 of couch to 5k. I had repeated week 3 and was feeling pretty confident about moving on up until about halfway through my run. I just couldn't do it. I did the 3 minute followed by the 5 minute (a mere 90 second recovery) and then I just couldn't go on. I'm no quitter but it was just a bad day. It happens. Last night as we were going to bed I told my husband I was taking today off. All he said was "don't let this beat you" and that was all I needed. (yes I'm the luckiest girl in the world because I have a cute, sweet, super supportive Scottish husband...I highly recommend them!)

Today I was up at the crack of dawn and damned if I didn't show week 4 who's boss. It took EVERYTHING I had. I literally had to wring out my ponytail and my clothes were so soaked I couldn't even bring myself to throw them on the bedroom carpet. Straight to the basement :) I even have my first case of runners nipple. Almost as painful as dental surgery. Time to invest in some new bras and some Body Glide (I've only ever used it for blisters but folks say it does wonders for the nipples!)

I've definitely raised the bar. There's no going back now. I have set goals, met goals, and moved on to new goals. I remember this mindset from my past. It's exactly as it was when I lost 100 pounds 10 years ago. It's so nice to meet the real me again.

Checking in!

It's time for me to check in on my blog buddies again.

Things never slow down over here and now I've taken on a part-time job to add some more crazy to the mix. I'm just helping out at a friends agency for 3 hours a day, 5 days a week. JUST when I was getting into my routine of going to the gym in the morning! Now it's even harder to fit it in but somehow doing this couch to 5k thing has changed my attitude and I find myself making it a priority. That is a really REALLY big step for me.

Still running along and I've managed to make it through week 3 of Couch to 5k. I'm "holding myself back a grade" as I call it and doing week 3 twice. I just wasn't sure I'd "graduated" from week 3 yet :) Since I'm only doing this for myself, I don't feel bad about taking it at my own pace. All I know is that eventually I want to be like the girl next to me on the treadmill today - she was almost 2 miles in and hadn't broken a sweat. I was gasping for breath and dripping sweat on to the belt!

The weight is coming off SOO slowly but things are taking shape. My legs look so much better and I swear my ass has lifted about 3 inches. My current jeans make me feel like I'm wearing a diaper they are so baggy but I'm holding out as long as I can before I buy new ones.

More than anything, I'm happy with my attitude toward my fitness goals and even my attitude toward food. I just managed to go through a weekend without gaining any weight which may have only happened once or twice in my life. I've been trying to eat just a little bit when I feel hungry and never let myself get to the ravenous "screw it all lets go get mexican food and margaritas" point. I've also been trying to satisfy my cravings with my own light versions of things. For some reason I was desperate for banana pudding and found out Jello makes a fudge banana 45 calorie variety. It was delicious and totally satisfied that beast. Then I wanted a hot dog from the Varsity. If you have ever been there you know how good they are. Instead I got some 97% fat free Hebrew Nationals and light whole wheat buns. Totally hit the spot. It can be done and I can stay satisfied without blowing it. Why is it that this seems all new to me???? I've done this before and I know what works but sometimes it's like learning it all over again.

Hope everyone out there is great. Spring is such a wonderful time of year. I wish it would last forever!!

My first 5K

When I first started my couch to 5k program I never planned on actually running an organized 5K but the opportunity has come up and I'm going to go for it. The hospital where my husband works has a team for the Komen race this year on May 8th and we are signing up. Both of us!

Technically I just finished week 2 of the program but now that this has come up I'm going to get another session in this weekend before I start week 3. The race is 4 weeks away but I don't have to run the whole thing. It will be good practice, and great fun.

As some of you know I'm a long time Breast Cancer 3-day walker and crew member. This will be my first Race for the Cure and I'm looking forward to participating in a different event.

You'd think all this running would lead to some weight loss but I feel great so it doesn't matter that much to me right now. I'm focusing on my fitness goals and hoping that weight loss will be a happy side effect. I've been a in a food rut which hasn't helped. Something about the change of seasons leaves me struggling with what to eat. Nothing sounds good to me right now but I have to get some meals planned. I'm on to week 3 of c25k and my husband is starting a fitness boot camp. We need some good fuel for our fire :)

I'm giving myself some time to catch up on my blog reading today. Hope you are all doing well!

Couch to 5k week 2

I made it through week one! I'm actually moving on to week 2! Excuse the exclamation points! I've never made it this far!!

It went really well some days were easier than others but I was never overly sore but could still feel the "zing" which is how I knew I was doing the right amount. One thing for sure, it has whipped my lungs into shape! A week ago I could barely walk around the block and yesterday I was running around with my husband and dogs on our walk like it was nothing. So far I'm really impressed with this program.

On the work front, I'm still working harder than ever to make ends meet but I'm getting the hang of it, one baby step at a time. Some of my learning is coming from mistakes and that's very hard for me but it's part of the process. It's the process defining my process. Never did I think that would be so exhausting!

Now, our dogs are so dirty they have "ring around the neck" so I'm off to go give them a bath.

Hope everyone is doing great out there!! Thinking of you all even though I haven't had time to comment.

sometimes things just stick

I'm sure y'all are surprised to hear from me again! I never thought I would emerge from the pile of work I've been under. When I would dream of working for myself, there was lots of working out, sitting in the sun, shopping, vacations etc. Let me just tell you it's absolutely nothing like that. Don't get me wrong, it's great and I don't have to drive 50 miles a day but somehow I managed to fall into a vicious cycle of working from 7am to 8pm and literally doing nothing else. Somehow I managed to lose 2 pounds but that's probably from my muscles withering away to nothing.

After my little wake up call with the surgeon you would think I would have been right back in the gym. Instead I crawled into my office cave and hid behind my mac for 2 weeks. Until today.

2 things hit me like a kettle bell to the head recently.

First, I was at my moms over the weekend and she was really concerned about how stressed I've been. We were talking about how all my working life, the single and/or childless people were always the ones who got stuck doing all the long hours. In fact, my best friend says that at her next job she's going to put some frames up with kids pictures in them and claim them as her own. Once again, everyone on my team has kids so there's all kinds of doctors appts and school things and sicknesses. So mom says, "You can be your own kid. Treat your body as your child. If your child had to exercise you would make sure it got done. If your kid had to go to the doctor you wouldn't hesitate." My mother is so wise and that simple statement has completely changed my mindset.

The second revelation was a strange one to me and I would almost feel bad about it if it hadn't been so helpful to me. Last week the ING Marathon took place here in Atlanta. It's something I've always wanted to do because it takes place on my side of town and goes through all the great neighborhoods. I noticed on Facebook that the girlfriend of a friend of mine was running the half but what hit me was her boyfriend (my friend) was driving around town to watch her go by, drinking coffee and posting about it on Facebook. They both struggle with their weight (even more so since they moved in together) but she was DOING and he was sitting on his ass watching. I thought to myself, that's me. Right now. I'm that fat guy (girl in this case!) sitting at the coffee shop watching people run by. Why am I not running in the half marathon if that's what I want to do??? It's haunted me like a bad dream ever since.

Today I started 9 weeks of couch to 5k and I'm not going to stop until I can do this half marathon next year. I have an entire year to work up to it. If I can walk 4 and a half marathons (120 miles!!) on the 3-Day then certainly I can work my way up to running 13.1.

I think I needed something to work toward. A longer term goal other than just losing weight. I feel inspired. I even figured out how to make my couch to 5k playlist with the run/walk commands over top of it so I don't have to do the math! Hooray for no math!

Hope you all are doing well and feeling great!!

Getting serious(er)

Again, I've been a terrible blogger but things have been crazy as always.

Good news - turns out I don't have to have surgery.
Bad news - still too fat

I went to see the surgeon on Friday and was really feeling better after waiting a week to see him. He poked at my stomach, got out his little BMI wheel and told me he would operate on me right away if he could find anything. The cause of my pain was most likely due to the excess weight around my middle. He asked me if I'd ever considered bariatric surgery and as the tears started he said, "I can see in your eyes that you want to do something". I said I would consider talking to someone about it and then he left the room. A minute later he was back with not one but 2 bariatric surgeons. I was taken by surprise and said well I didn't think you meant NOW!

I sat through the discussion with an open mind. I looked at an actual lap band and was surprised how big it was. I asked him if they made a petite version for us smaller folks and that was a no. I could never have that thing in me forever anyway. On to the next options. All the gastric bypass options sound great. In theory. I left with a ton of information and a checklist of things I would have to do to qualify for the surgery health wise and insurance wise.

I met up with my husband who works at the hospital and I was in tears for most of the rest of the day. We talked a lot about it but I knew I had to talk to someone who has had it done. My sister has a friend who was kind enough to talk to me about her surgery. She was thrilled with it. Said she wished she had done it years earlier but I really had to know what it was like to eat or not eat as the case may be and what about the vomiting? The answers to those questions were what I needed to confirm how seriously life changing weight loss surgery is ...and it's forever.

I can't figure out if I think of it differently having lost 100 pounds once on my own. Is that what's keeping me from listening to the 3rd doctor to tell me I need to have surgery? Sometimes I think my dad is looking down on me saying "Just have the damn surgery. Don't you think I would have if I would have had the chance?" He struggled with his weight as long as I can remember and it eventually killed him at 49.

Deep down, way down, I know I could never do it. I have to keep fighting, working hard and face it knowing that my obesity is just now starting to cause me health problems. I'm lucky that I don't have diabetes, sleep apnea, girlie problems or high blood pressure but is it lurking around the corner? If you ask the doctors the answer is yes.

Either way this is a big wake up call. Right now, I choose a life of working out 7 days a week over throwing up and not being able to eat. I know I can do it which is what drives me but I also know why and respect the people choose the surgery. It's not an easy way out by any means and I'm extremely happy for everyone who has been successful, regardless of what it took to get there.

It feels great to be back to working out since the doctor said it was okay. I've been walking and swimming and just trying to do a little more every day. Now after spending all morning blogging, time for some work and an early lunch. Swimming makes me STARVING...ever since I was a kid! Hope everyone is well. I will do some catching up while I eat my lunch!

Just call me Dr. House

Because I'm a brilliant diagnostician and I'm on Vicodin!

Yes I was right about the umbilical hernia. My doc was a little worried about it because she said I shouldn't be in as much pain as I was so she ran some rush labs making sure I didn't have an infection or anything. She tried calling her surgeon friend but it was already too late in the day on a Friday for us to get anywhere.

Hopefully I'll be meeting with the surgeon in the next day or 2 and getting this over with fast. I've read different things about the actual surgery but methods vary based on the size of the problem so I will have to get the full scoop from the doctor (imagine that!!)

I'm not too worried about it but I'm not sure if it's really sunk in yet. I've never had a single medical problem in my life. Ha! Welcome to 40.

I will keep y'all posted and thanks so much for the good vibes!!

cramping my style

Ever since the invention of the internet, I have loved to self-diagnose any and all medical issues. After exhaustive research, have come to the conclusion that I have an umbilical hernia and it's not going to go away by itself. Sooo, I'm off to the doctor this afternoon to see what that's all about.

I've had symptoms for a while now but it's always gone away after a day or 2. My old doctor completely blew it off saying that if there was no lump, it wasn't a big deal. My whole stomach is one big lump so I don't know how I'm supposed to tell :)

From what I can tell, this particular hernia occurs either from birth, from gaining and losing weight over the years, or just from obesity in general. I'm not TOO worried about it but as someone who is "ridiculously healthy" (according to my doctors), I'm not used to having any issues at all.

I will keep y'all posted. My biggest fear is being "benched". I'm not one to sit around. Ever!